Controlling MiL

[junkfoodforever]

I'm stressed out by my MIL & my OH's response to her & need some advice.
Background: When my OH was little my MIL stabbed my FIL in front of my OH. She was controlling to him during their relationship (tho he was no victim) & when he left her after that she stopped him seeing my OH for a year. She's married again & is controlling & verbally abusive to her husband. My OH's sibling has a kid who MIL has all the time & demonstrates the same controlling & abusive behaviour (not physical) to the kid, which my partner has acknowledged.
When we had our kids it was clear she thought she was having them all the time, trying to go on trips abroad without our baby, going on a guilt trip when someone else looks after the baby. She is also the biggest hypochondriac ever-callled 999 recently for heart attack & nothing wrong, constantly got crutches/splints/bandages from injuries. The two times she did have kids she manipulated the situation so that she had to have them overnight at last minute then took 4 hours to do a 2 hour journey the second time. It's weird AF.
My OH agreed she shouldn't have the kids but now has changed his mind. I know it's really difficult cos even tho she's been horrible to him too he still lives her. But I work with troubled children & don't want my kids exposed to toxic behaviour, & not only that I am in a constant battle with her to feed the kids what I want etc. When she comes over she completely takes over telling the kids off for stuff I wouldn't, bossing them about etc.
I know it sounds stupid but she makes me feel sick & anxious & I have a lot of stress at the mo & the fact my partner wants her to have the children is really stressing me.
Sorry for the rant!
AIBU?

What do the kids want? Are they keen to go? Are they old enough to understand?

I'd personally go 'oh right' and not mention it again!!!

She stabbed your FIL and she is manipulative and abusive to your nephew/niece? No YANBU. I wouldn't trust your OH's judgement as this will be 'normal' behaviour to him. Keep your nerve and trust your instinct.

In your position she'd only be having supervised contact with kids.

She stabbed someone. That would be all I'd need to know.

I should add that kids are very intrusive and their opinion show add weight

You need to put your foot down here and say no.

But if your dp is being annoying about it then don't mention childcare to him for example if you need a babysitter just go and organise it with who you trust and that's the end of it. Time will pass

No way. She stabbed someonevshe also sounds as though she is quick to anger so likely to do it again.

Thanks everyone.
My 2 are too young to express an opinion & are the most fickle kids ever-would go with Jack the Ripper!!
Even with my work experience I don't think she'd hurt the kids, but what if she hurts her husband in front of my kids? Or they're just witnessing verbal abuse?
And the battle over food, what they wear/do gets to me.
She's so nice to me it's ridiculous too-she knows I'm the key to the kids & bad mouthes my husband (her son!) to me when he's not around.
I'm shit at confrontations/communicating so think I'm making it worse.

supervised contact only imo she's too toxic for words, you don't think she'd hurt the kids but you can't be sure, i wouldn't trust her at all and tbh i wouldn't want any contact with her, even if it meant my relationship broke up as a result.

I'm afraid I wouldn't be allowing contact at all - either supervised or otherwise

No I agree. She stabbed someone so I would never trust her.

Good God, what?! Your MIL stabbed a member of the family and you are seriously asking whether she should be allowed to look after your kids?

Given that and her general behaviour, I would not really even want them in contact with her at all.

Tell your OH this isn't negotiable, and if he persists you'll be going to SS for advice. She shouldn't be allowed near them.

Yes now I've written it I realise how bonkers I sound for doubting myself! Suppose that's what manipulative people do to u.
Sadly I know thru work that SS wouldn't get necessarily get involved if the stabbing was recent let alone historic.
She comes over every week & I dread it. Don't want to stop that as I do believe it's beneficial to the kids but I wonder if I need to be firmer about what is or isn't ok?

Sorry, afraid I'm stunned that your MIL stabbed someone and she has any contact whatsoever with your children! What the FUCK are you thinking in letting her have them alone? If they are too young to express an opinion, they are too young to tell you about any abuse they may suffer at her hands!

SS don't need to be involved- she isn't the parent, you are.

I'm flabbergasted that you believe it's beneficial to your children to allow them to spend time with someone who you acknowledge is abusive to her other grandchild,is controlling and abusive to her husband, and has stabbed a family member. I'm never one to call troll, but the thought that this could be true and that there is a parent out there so willing to sacrifice her children's safety to avoid a row horrifies me.

'My OH's sibling has a kid who MIL has all the time & demonstrates the same controlling & abusive behaviour (not physical) to the kid'

'I am in a constant battle with her to feed the kids what I want etc. When she comes over she completely takes over telling the kids off for stuff I wouldn't, bossing them about etc.'

You can be damn sure that their contact isn't beneficial to your child. Not a bit. Extremely damaging I would think. be prepared for MIL to undermine your parenting, abuse the child, use the child to get at you - all sorts.

No SS might not get involved but you say that to show you mean business. If you have any sense you will throw a complete wobbler and refuse to let her near them.

Inertia do you have experience of domestic abuse?

My child detests visiting his nanny as "Nanny is sad and angry" (my MIL is of the overbearing shouty, opinionated, bullying kind). He's just 3 years old yet he's already worked out exactly what she's like and doesn't want to be around her. He first told me "Nanny angry" when he was two. She has asked to babysit, OH and I are in full agreement that it's never ever going to happen. Please keep your MIL away from your children.

Junkfoodforever why do you ask?

Why is your OH living with her? He needs to get out and provide a calm, safe place for his children to spend time with him (and him alone).

Did you say your OH is living with your MIL? Why is that? That's crazy!

But no, YANBU - I wouldn't let her within a mile of my kids without constant supervision. I don't suppose she'd stab anyone again, but I wouldn't want to take the risk, since she didn't have sufficient self-control NOT to do it in front of her kids before, why would she the next time?

No no no. Keep her away from your DC - she doesn't sound like a decent person for them to know at all, never mind that she's their grandmother! Blood isn't everything - abusive wankers should be kept far away from small children, whoever they are.