Me or DD (13)

[Beerwench]

Bit of a rant and I'm annoyed!

So DD lost an item of her uniform last week (Thurs), that she needs for tomorrow. This is the third time I've had to replace this item since September. Whilst not massively expensive, I'm not rolling in it either and could do without the added expense.
The shorts are available from school, and I told DD she needed to order them Fri and find out the price and I'd send the cash in on Monday, along with a note regarding missing item while we wait for them.
DD didn't bother to even find out the cost, never mind order them. I've refused a note and said she can face the consequences of a)losing them again and b) not making any attempt to order new ones.
She's had a strop, saying she can't possibly go to school as she'll be in trouble and I'm a hideous mother.
I do intend to ring school in the morning and explain, but also support them in any action they feel is suitable for this.
Three times is carelessness, not an accident in my view and to not attempt to get new ones when prompted is IMO, not on.
AIBU to let her face the consequences of her own carelessness? Or should I send a note, excusing her from the responsibility, cough up for the shorts and probably replace again before schools out?!

She's 13 so at an age when she should be responsible.
No note - that's for primary school age or year 7 at most.
She will never learn to look after her things if you bail her out all the time.
And if she's lost the same item 3 times then really she should have to pay for replacing them.

She's a teenager on her way to adulthood, it won't do her any harm to suck it up or indeed to pay for a replacement.

She pays. She needs to have some respect for her things. No note either you've been far too good so far in replacing things!

Yes, thanks.
Looked up online the price (looong work weekend so I didn't think of it until now) and will give her the cash in the morning to order the new ones, and it'll be deducted from this weeks pocket money or she'll be doing extra to earn the amount.
She's annoyed because she may get a detention, and a detention in this house carries automatic grounding the next night! we are asked to send a note in or call in genuine cases (my washing machine once held dark items to ransom and I had to wait a day to have them freed!) But this isn't that, and in that case it was only the blazer as she had spare of the other stuff. And as she's going to order new tomorrow then I won't call either.
Thanks, I sometimes struggle with perspective as I'm an LP and appreciate a few extra opinions!

Oh god, I remember my daughter at that age - it cost me a bloody fortune in replacing things. She lost a letter with a voucher for £50 on her way to the post box around the corner! Hopefully if she pays the price, she'll learn the lesson.

Agree that at 13, she pays by the 3rd time (I like your Oscar Wilde reference!). That's a natural consequence. As long as she does get pocket money or an allowance of some kind. If she gets very little (say £1 - £2 per week) perhaps it would be kind to ask her to pay a contribution rather than the full cost. If she gets £5 or above, she pays (I'd say).

You don't ask about this, so forgive me if I'm over-stepping, but I don't agree with your policy of a detention =s a grounding in your house... In my view the detention is the punishment. I'd say you don't need to punish twice. But, your house, your rules, obvs.

Shorts? What are the shorts for?

YANBU! I have a child the same age and he's a nightmare for losing stuff.
They need to start learning that stuff like that actions (or lack of) have consequences.

YANBU

Shorts are for PE. Tracksuit bottoms in winter, shorts in summer/inside.

Keepserving - thanks, it's a fairly new 'rule' but I have done it as she recently went through a period of getting detention on an almost weekly basis for her attitude towards teachers. I felt the detentions weren't having the desired effect. I'd normally agree with you however I did think I needed to do something as talking about it/explaining had zero effect.
Just hoping I can steer her in the right direction to adulthood, to be someone who takes responsibility for themselves. Feels like an impossible task at times

Let her face the consequences. When I was at school if someone didn't have their shorts they had to do PE in their knickers (I was one of about the three girls who had to do that at secondary!), and I mean normal knickers - not those gym knickers some used to wear! So whatever happens these days they get off lightly!

Just send her in without the shorts or a note, and let the school take whatever action they see fit.

It's the only way she will learn; but, I would add that in every school I've taught in, or ds has been a pupil at, both state, private and international, things do get nicked for shit and giggles by others even when sharpied and name taped inside and out.

Do just check she isn't being bullied and having them taken- otherwise, yes make her pay!

I used to replace the items twice and after that they would either have to cobble pe stuff together out of the lost property box or suffer the consequences.

At that age I would definitely say she needs to pay.
I once broke a window when I was 14 (total accident). I had to pay to replace it. No way could my mum afford that hit.
Never broken a window since

I agree with you!

Totally YANBU. We have the same issue with DS who's 10 and couldn't give a s* about losing stuff and us having to buy it again. I also insist that from the 3rd time he loses something he pays for it himself (by future deductions from pocket money etc.). Is infuriating.

You sound like you have good perspective OP!

Unless she's having them stolen, what's the betting that she takes better care of a pair that she has paid for herself?

It's also surprising how often a "must have" item isn't so wanted when the choice is to buy from own funds or not have

Let her face the consequences. You have been reasonable.

YANBU. I have a 13 year old and can totally sympathise. It won't stick in her mind enough to become important until she's had to experience the consequences of the loss herself.

I would follow up with a quiet chat though when you are both feeling calmer. Make sure that there are no issues that you're not aware of - bullying, stuff getting nicked, feeling body conscious in the shorts etc. If it's just down to lack of organisation, talk to her about what she can do to avoid them getting lost again, and whether you can help with that. Explain to her the reasons why you can't keep on paying for replacements (both principle and the fact that you don't have unlimited funds) so that she appreciates that you're not just being a bitch.

One thing I did with 13yo DS was get him to put down a "deposit" at the beginning of the year against losing expensive items of school uniform. If he lost those items, we would use the deposit to pay towards a replacement. If he got to the end of the year and had some or all of the money left, we'd pay it back and double it. That worked brilliantly as an incentive not to lose things :)

Thanks Keith, that may work about the deposit. There are no issues that I'm aware of, or school are aware of other than she's a bit careless with things.
I don't really know why because we've been through some really tough financial times, where she's had next to nothing, so it's not like she's had stuff handed out to her always and expects. I'm just frustrated at the complete lack of personal responsibility - not her fault, thinking not going to school is the answer, and even today she had the money she's still not ordered them - 'forgot' apparently and can't I phone tomorrow. No I can't. I don't have a debit/credit card and cannot pay over the phone or internet - she knows this but she's so..... Shoulder shruggy about it.
I'm just standing firm and saying as she lost them she has to replace them and face consequences of not having the right equipment.
I never thought a pair of bloody shorts could cause so much drama!!

My ds executive function problems which means he's as disorganised as fuck!

But I still do what you do. I support him to organise himself, write it in his planner, post it in his pocket etc -but at some point they have to learn the natural consequences. He also knows I'll happily write a note if he asks me to for any teacher - but it'll be a simple one staying the truth