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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask how you cope with pester power?

27 replies

malificent7 · 11/06/2017 18:01

Dd is 8 and im finding myself under a lot of financial pressure due to being a single mum on a low income.
Dd loves to shop, loves clothes etc and always wants something.
If a friend has something she wants the same too.

I try to avoid shops annd of i do i warn her not to beg.
Aibu to find pester power intolerable?

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 11/06/2017 18:37

She is old enough for you to explain that different families have different amounts of money and that sometimes she will not be able to have the same things or as many things as her friends but that you will always do your best for her.

corythatwas · 11/06/2017 18:38

Ime the essential thing is to have an advance plan as to what you are going to buy, when and how much you are going to spend.

I started off from the beginning by making it clear that I was never going to buy sweets or ice cream or soft drinks during an ordinary shopping trip. And then I stuck to that. So that after a while all I needed to do was to look at them calmly and say "you know we never do that". And then ignore the whining. Every single time.

For a while we had Saturday sweeties but they were bought separately.

By the time they were 8 they got a small amount of weekly pocket money instead so they could buy sweets if they wanted.

As for clothes, those would be bought on special clothes buying trips when we had discussed in advance what was needed and I had decided how much money could be spent.

I think it helped that we never had shopping as a leisure activity and that they could always see that all shopping (even food) was carefully planned and budgeted for.

Blanketdog · 11/06/2017 18:40

Explain to her that you don't have enough money and then avoid shops. Having stuff is not everything - spend time with her.

ScarlettFreestone · 11/06/2017 18:41

I say "no, don't ask again".

At 8 yo she's old enough to understand that you can't afford it.

specialsubject · 11/06/2017 18:41

Never too early to learn that money doesn't appear by magic. Show her about saving her pocket money ( however little it is) for what she wants.

And that shopping is not what you do for fun. Teach it as a boring chore - which it is.

Jaguarana · 11/06/2017 18:42

You just say no firmly & ignore any wheedling and whining. It's called teaching your child not to be a spoilt brat.

BertieBotts · 11/06/2017 18:44

Eh? She's 8 so surely old enough to have pocket money. For my 8yo the rule is if he wants it he saves up for it or puts it on his birthday or Christmas list.

I have a budget for clothes so if he wants something over budget he can contribute or sometimes I'll get other cheaper items in exchange for one more expensive one. For example a multipack of plain t-shirts plus one character shirt.

OhTheRoses · 11/06/2017 18:47

I said go mine from a very early age you don't need that. I said no a lot from the very beginning.

I'm sad for you though. Dd had a friend like your dd, single mum, fantastic woman and her dd used to want everything, really put her mum through the wringer.

I think some of it is wanting because they can't have it though so it becomes an issue.

InvisibleKittenAttack · 11/06/2017 18:56

I say "no". Or "put it on your birthday/christmas list" or "how much pocket do you have? we can come back with your pocket money to get it."

But also, I don't take my DCs shopping unless it's an emergency. I usually order food online or go when they are at school. I don't take them clothes shopping unless I need to get something for them - and even then I normally order on line to avoid going to the shops, shoes is the only thing I really make them come with me to get.

We live in an area with a lot of people who are sigificiantly richer than us, I have from an early age explained that "some people's Mummies and Daddies have more money than us." - my 7 year old does get it. Keep repeating. They need to learn that you can't afford everything.

Westray · 11/06/2017 18:59

OP do you like shopping, new clothes etc?

Littledrummergirl · 11/06/2017 19:02

"Put it on your Christmas /birthday wish list", "I don't have enough money", "No, I don't feel its good value for money" or the more straight forward "no".

KanielOutis · 11/06/2017 19:08

I have a 6yo and 9yo girls. We don't do shopping as a leisure activity. We go to the beach, park, woods, a walk etc. We shop when something has been outgrown or worn out and we never buy more than we need. We carry water when we go so no need to stop for drinks. It sounds mean but there isn't the money to be splashing it about.

butterfly990 · 11/06/2017 20:18

My kids know that they can put things on their birthday, Christmas lists.

The other alternative if its something I am agreeable to is I will tell them that I will look out for it second hand. If they don't want it second hand then they don't really want it.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 11/06/2017 20:26

I was a single parent and made it very clear from a very early age to mine that money was tight and we could not afford to splash out on crap they fancied. They knew I was on a budget and they never asked.

(However, I did then have the mortifying experience of DS once coming home from school triumphantly saying 'me and my mates were talking about who was the poorest and we won by MILES' )

Dishwashersaurous · 11/06/2017 20:30

I very rarely go to the shops with the children. If we go it is to get something specific Eg school shoes.

We make it clear in advance what we are going for.

Eg school shoes, new knickers, shampoo for mummy and that is what we get.

So if there were to be any can I have, the answer is, is it on the list

Dishwashersaurous · 11/06/2017 20:30

I very rarely go to the shops with the children. If we go it is to get something specific Eg school shoes.

We make it clear in advance what we are going for.

Eg school shoes, new knickers, shampoo for mummy and that is what we get.

So if there were to be any can I have, the answer is, is it on the list

LightDrizzle · 11/06/2017 20:45

Until mine was much older, we didn't go shopping "for fun". She knew from an early age that different families can afford different things and I had no problem telling her we couldn't afford something.
She didn't routinely get designer anything, however if she saved pocket or birthday money, she could choose what she spent it on. Similarly if she had designed trainers or something on her Christmas wish list she'd get them if affordable.
Until her teens, shopping was never a treat, going out for cake or pizza or picking an activity for the weekend served as treats or rewards.

Sunshinesuperman · 11/06/2017 20:53

Our dc have a small amount of pocket money, they can spend it each week or save for bigger things, it can be used as a distraction, " I want x", me " Okay, that will be four weeks pocket money". If they really want it, for example a jo jo bow these can be saved for and they realise that they don't really want other stuff as much as they thought. My pair are 8 and old enough to know that money isn't endless.

Don't feel guilty about being on a low income I grew up on a low income and think it did me a massive favour in later life. My kids aren't growing up on the same income I did, but I want them to have the same respect for money that I did as a child.

BertieBotts · 13/06/2017 01:22

YY I also agree I rarely take DS clothes shopping as he always wants the most expensive thing.

However he is fussy so I have started showing him things online. I pick say 5 things from H&M, put them all in the basket so he can't see the others and then he can choose from that limited selection. Then I'll go in store and buy them.

BigYellowJumper · 13/06/2017 01:48

Before going anywhere, I tell my kids 'we are going to (name of shop.) When we are there, we are going to buy (whatever you were planning to buy.) If you ask me for anything else, the answer is going to be no. What is the answer going to be? (They say 'no'.)' Sounds strict but it works and they never bug me for stuff. You need to set the expectations before you go, not when she is already in 'begging' mode. Also, try to avoid shopping as a leisure activity if you do that.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/06/2017 04:49

I deal with it through the magic of pocket money.

It also teaches them budgeting.

Original poster

malificent7 · 13/06/2017 05:37

I do pocket money. I also say before going in shop.. no begging.
Dd is great at the stealth beg though " mummy look at this lovely t shirt... xx has one of these and it looks great on her. "
I normslly say " that's nice dear" and walk on. Still drives me nuts though.

OP posts:

InvisibleKittenAttack · 13/06/2017 07:29

Just stop taking her into shops so much... can only think the supermarket is the only shop you would need to regularly take your Dd, but normally the clothing section is away from the food section, just don't go in there with her.

If you want her to stop seeing shopping as a leisure activity then you need to stop taking her shopping.

ErnesttheBavarian · 13/06/2017 07:48

Dd is 8 . Dd loves to shop.
TBH I can't compute those 2 sentences. In my head they are incompatible. Surely she's too young to go round the shops by herself. So that means you take her round the shops? Then she sees stuff and asks for it and you say no?

If that is the case, surely the solution is totally easy? Pestering for stuff is annoying. But I also feel sorry for her if she's being dragged around the shops and sees all this stuff and then told she can't have the tantalising stuff that she sees. Is kind of like deliberately tormenting her.

Real question, because I only go into town if I need to get something, I don't just go in to wander, do, if you are on a low income, what are you doing in town? Do you go in just to wander round shops? I've don't really understand.

Maybe avoid shops, but also explain that is not just not getting something because you don't have the funds, but also because you or she doesn't need it. Think of the moral or environmental impact of just getting everything that you like the look of, v every time you see something. Your house would be overflowing with crap. She have hundreds of clothes that she never wear. My dd is 9. We usually only wander around a town if we're visiting a new place.. usually just with hand luggage so I can also explain that we have no space. But pester power can get a lot worse and much more expensive with age, so I'd no this one in the bud as a matter of urgency now before she is able to go off wandering by her self etc. The others are right. Really. Shopping is not a hobby or a pass time. A good thing to learn asap.

BertieBotts · 13/06/2017 09:40

Does she definitely want the thing, or is she just expressing her opinion? What she's saying is similar to the kinds of things I say/think when I go window shopping.

You should teach her the art of window shopping with a coffee and cake involved :) Much cheaper than piles of clothes but can be really fun.

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