Posting for traffic - how to cope with stress and overthinking

[BrouetteChouette]

Hi all.

I've just come on here to ask for some advice please (long-time lurker).

I'd be really interested to hear your tips on increasing my resilience, as well as any advice you might have on how I can work on my confidence in general.

To give some background about myself, I was fairly shy as a child, and struggled a lot with confidence and things like speaking up in public.

I struggled to fit in at school, as there always happened to be a fairly big 'cool' or 'popular' crowd in most of the classes that I was in. I knew that I wasn't part of that kind of crowd, so I didn't feel like I was able to fit in, and so I always felt a bit intimidated and nervous while at school. I also went to a girls' school for most of the time I was in education (but changed schools between primary and secondary school), so I spent most of my teenage years being completely unsure of how to approach boys, which didn't help my confidence at all.

As I found it difficult to make friends at school because I was so shy (and became more self-conscious as I moved up through school), I focussed a lot on schoolwork and on attempting to gain the approval of family and friends by trying to do well at school. This didn't really happen though until I got into the later years of secondary school, when I started studying subjects that I really enjoyed. I wasn't an all-rounder at school at all, so it was a relief to find subjects that I enjoyed and had some aptitude for.

This need to gain approval from others - which started in late secondary school, probably - then continued when I got into university, and I haven't been able to get rid of it.

I now put a huge amount of pressure of myself in all situations - social, work/academic, fitness and health etc. - so that I can put forward a version of myself to others that I'm happy with and fit in. This, of course, doesn't always work. (I'm naturally quite quiet and introverted, with low energy levels, and much prefer good catch-ups with small groups of people or one-to-one rather than being in large groups of people or the 'centre of attention'.)

I've realised for a while now that I put myself under a huge amount of pressure to come across as 'perfect', and that the pressure has made me ill and hugely depressed for quite a few years now (since I was a teenager). It also makes me incredibly anxious and stressed, and I never really feel happy or relaxed.

It came to a head a couple of months ago, when I went away abroad for a few days with a group of people.

In the group, there were some friends of mine along with friends of friends, so there were some people that I didn't know. I was so keen for everyone (the people I knew as well as those who I was meeting for the first time) to like me and to accept me that I put a huge amount of pressure on myself to be the person who I thought they wanted me to be (if that makes sense). The pressure of all of this meant that I became hugely overwhelmed and very depressed over the few days, and I was very apologetic and submissive (I have very low self-esteem, and constantly need reassurance from others and also feel the need to apologise, even if I don't need to, in an attempt to gain approval from others). Needless to say, I didn't particularly enjoy my time away.

Within the group as well, there were quite a few people with 'strong personalities'. They always seemed to say and do the right things - they came across as quick, funny, loud, energetic, charismatic, impulsive, extroverted etc. I realise that this may not necessarily their natural personality though. It's not my natural personality though, and I find it really hard to come across that way. I feel that I came across as nervous, fairly shy and maybe a bit standoffish, which wasn't my intention at all. I was trying to work out the dynamic of personalities in the group, and preferred to observe rather than get involved, as I didn't want to step on anyone's toes. There were a few people that I really clicked with, which was really nice, but others who I just didn't feel compatible with at all.

Sorry for the long post - it feels good to get it out in the open.

Any advice please? I've been recommended Headspace to help with anxiety, and I've had a course of cognitive behavioural therapy.

I'm more than happy to give extra context and details over the course of the thread if you'd like me to :)

Thanks very much for taking the time to read this.

I used to be similar to you, always seeking the approval of other, particuarly the dominant personalities and then stressing on anything minor I may have done wrong or that could have been taken the wrong way. Always overthinking everything and worrying.
Two things helped me:
Asking myself, when overthinking something, if X did it, would I think badly of them? The answer was invariably no.
The other will only come in time and that's getting older. As I have got older, particularly after mid 30's iI got to a point of thinking if you don't like me as I am then, actually, you're not worth having in my life. And realising that if people didn't like me, they wouldn't invite me to things or want to spend time with me.

I don't think you have aspergers but then I could be myself . I just think you just need to accept and love yourself . If you are introvert that's something to be celebrated ! Stop comparing yourself to others . The right people will love you for being you the real you not who you think you should be . Yes introverts get drained easier and need time to recharge so I can understand why you would have felt out of sorts in the company of a lot of people on holiday who you didn't know very well .

thanks I'll google that!

Advocate is INFJ very similar to INFP the healer except Infp is a bit less structured goes with flow .

Suggest watching the "struggle switch," and "demons on a boat metaphor" on you tube. Both by Russ Harris (of the happiness trap) and he has a nice voice too

i second looking into mindfulness. smiling mind is free app also good free course on futurelearn website. also work of Kristin Neff is interesting. www.selfcompassion.org

Following this thread because I relate to so much of it and am looking for some comfort for myself. I think I'll download Frazzled as well as that the verb/subjective I relate to most!

Adjective! See can't even use Mumsnet that well!

Thank you so much, everyone your advice and support has been so helpful.

Goldmandra thanks for your post. I've never been diagnosed with Asperger's, but it has crossed my mind as to whether I might have it. No one I know has suggested so far that I may have it (apart from a close relative who has used it several times in the past as a misguided way of insulting me in arguments).

I think one of the reasons why I've wondered whether I might have it is because it seems to be under-diagnosed in girls and women, and the ways in which it presents itself in girls and women seem to be less understood than in boys and men. And also because it's a condition with such broad and varied symptoms, so people who have Asperger's don't necessarily have a specific profile with a particular set of symptoms.

Also, another reason that has me wondering whether I might have it is because I've heard that babies born to older parents might have a bigger risk of developing it than babies born to younger parents.

My parents had me and my twin in their late forties (we're their only children), and we were both born prematurely (9 weeks early). We were both ill as babies, and spent a few weeks in intensive care after being born (this was partly down to being ill and to being born so prematurely). I took a longer time to develop and progress as a baby than my twin, as I walked and talked after she did, although she also progressed a bit slower than the expected rate for babies born to full-term. I also struggled with fine motor skills a lot when I was very young (I found it hard to learn how to tie my shoelaces, for example).

I fit some of the criteria in the profile for someone who might have Asperger's (born to older parents, developmental delays as a child) but not others. I wonder if I might be masking some other things though, perhaps without realising. I have such low self-esteem that I often prefer to say nothing and just to observe things, rather than risk saying or doing something and being criticised for it, so I don't actually really 'know' myself very well, if that makes sense.

I should point out though that both of my parents are very quiet and private people, so I'm sure a lot of my personality and reactions to things are genetic or learned from them. My family aren't really very talkative together either.

My Dad is very quiet and quite shy around new people, whereas my Mum loves meeting new people, and is really good at making conversation, talking to new people and making small talk. My Dad's definitely much more of an introvert than my Mum, I think.

My Dad also worked abroad a lot when I was younger (from when I was about 5 to 17, I think). He would be away for about 3 months at a time and then come back to see us for 2 or 3 weeks, so my Mum more or less brought us up on her own.

I'm very similar to my Mum as I love meeting new people and talking to them, and making friends. However, I think it's when I've met someone that I then start to overthink things (I become overly self-conscious of how I come across and of what I'm saying and doing). I'm so keen for people to like me and accept me that I become overly nervous of how I come across.

I'm just giving a bit of context here, but I'm not sure how useful this is really.

Anyone? :)

Anyone with advice please? :)

I'm a lot like you, OP. I just went back to work after 2.5 years as a SAHM, with all the anxiety and imposter syndrome that comes with that.

My GP recommended Citalopram. I was very sceptical. It started working after two days. I feel so much better now. Normal, even. I've faced up to the fact that my anxiety levels are abnormally high and that I need some help with that, at least for now.

(Oh, and propranolol is the business for public speaking.)

Gosh, I'm just recommending a bunch of drugs here.

You sound lovely OP. My advice is to get more counselling and see a doctor to evaluate if you have anxiety to a degree that might need medication.

Get involved in some charity work. There is such a variety - children, the elderly, libraries, nature reserves etc. When I was very depressed I started volunteering at my local children's home, providing transport. It really helped. You will feel better about yourself, meet people and have a new topic of conversation.

Learn a new skill and get physically active if you aren't already. Taking horse riding lessons changed my life in ways I never imagined.

The other thing that I found really beneficial was singing in a choir.

I hope some of that is helpful!

OP you sound extraordinarily similar to how I would describe myself, right down to the only succeeding academically later in school once I could drop the subjects I wasn't interested in. I have also considered the Aspergers possibility but decided not to look into it further because I have reached a place I am fairly happy with now. Here are some things that have helped me:

1. Realising that there is more than one type of personality in the world and that there are good sides to being me as well as the downsides. For me the downside is occasionally feeling quite socially isolated. One upside is that, as I suspect you have discovered, a perfectionist streak can make you quite successful in ways others would envy and I have realised other people simply have entirely different stresses to me. I am also grateful for how happy I can be in my own company. This clicked for me when I did a Myers-Briggs personality test. You can do them online and I came out strongly INTJ which brings a lot of the characteristics you describe. It's a type far more common in men than women and sometimes I find it helpful to just think of myself as having a more masculine brain (though I still have very feminine emotions). The thing that fascinated me was that when I looked at INTJ stuff on the internet in an idle hour I learned Pinterest etc is stuffed with people desperate to have my personality type! Sherlock Holmes has made introspection cool;

1. If I am in a social situation that I care about then something I try to bear in mind is that although in my own head I feel shy and boring that is not how I come across to others at all. When I asked friends how I seemed when they met me they universally described me as "aloof". I am sensing something of the same in your selfie dislike. In my case aloof struck me as preferable to shy, and it's an easier impression to correct just by making an effort to smile and ask other people about themselves. But if people think you're too intelligent for small talk and selfies is that really so bad? I confess that sometimes I use aloof to my advantage now if I'm bored!;

1. I don't know how old you are, but I have found getting older helps a lot. As did having children, in my case.

I hope the above doesn't sound too self-aggrandising: I do know well the misery of feeling like everyone else has this magical social ability that you missed out on, and at times I have found it very lonely. If you are feeling miserable my personal view (based on a fair amount of experience) is that cbt type counselling is not that helpful for deep rooted feelings and if you can afford it I would look into paying for some long term counselling. You don't need to be referred - you can find a therapist in your area online.

I am sending you my warmest thoughts - I do know how it feels. If nothing else try and make a concerted effort from time to time to be kind to yourself.

BrouetteChouette - For me, at the moment, my idea of 'perfect' would be being someone who is intelligent, popular, well-liked, appreciated and respected. It would be someone who always knows how to react well in any situation

Honestly, OP. There are paid professionals, including politicians who can't manage that. No one can achieve 'perfect'.

Comparison is the thief of joy. You can only be the best that you can be.

I am an INTJ personality type too. Discovering that has helped explain a lot, including why I sometimes find it harder to communicate with women, especially in groups. Female INTJs are apparently very rare making up only 0.8% of the population so no wonder I often feel that no one I know is quite like me.
My thinking and communicating style is definitely more 'masculine' and as I was a teenager a lot of my closest friends were boys. smallfish I think I often come across as aloof too but friends have said that I am 'reliable and consistent' too which I hope is a good thing (not exactly exciting but there you go...)
For me, the best thing about being an INTJ is to always have my own mind for company but you do sometimes need other people too!