to think that my ex should take responsibility for his parents seeing the kids?

[purpleangel17]

We have been split up for 3 years and usually his parents come to see him at Christmas, Easter and around his and the kids' birthdays and I arrange for the kids to be with him those weekends. They live four hours away and don't have much money. Thus far he has also always come to their birthday parties.

DD2 is 8 in 3 weeks. Her party has been booked for 2 months and her dad knows the date and had agreed to be there. We had also discussed what weekends he would have them around her birthday as we go on holiday the weekend after. He agreed to my suggestion which was that he just see her the day of her party as if she stayed over that night she would be hyper and he doesn't deal well with that. ( I also offered for him to see her the day after too or the evening of her birthday, which is a weekday, but he didn't want to.)

Anyway on the basis of that I arranged for my parents to see the kids on the day after her party.

Today I texted him to ask if his parents had discussed when they were coming down. He replied they were coming the day of the party so he wouldn't be helping and the kids could come the day after. I said we had made plans for that day following the previous conversation. I suggested he and his parents meet them at a pub for lunch halfway between us on the Saturday of the party but he said no, it was Sunday or nothing.

To add some context, he has Aspergers and hates his parents and often seems ambivalent about seeing the kids. In previous years I would have contacted his mum directly re arrangements but this time I didn't because it really shouldn't be down to me.

So now DD2 is upset Daddy won't be at her party and unless I mess my parents' plans around the girls won't see their paternal grandparents. And I will end up having to go to his hours after work one day to pick up her presents as he won't bring them over.

Basically whatever I do, I am the bad guy! Grrrr.

I think under the circumstances, if you usually have a good relationship with his parents and have made arrangements with them directly in the past I would try and work out a way for them to see their GD and skip your Ex. If you have plans I wouldn't frame it as a "negotiation" but more "DD's party is at X time so the DC are free at X time on Saturday or Y time on Sunday, does either of those work for you?"

You don't mention whether your parents are local or also live away, if they are local then is there any way to accommodate both sets of grandparents on the day after the party? If you have plans with your parents in the afternoon, could your DC go out for breakfast with Ex's parents?

Whilst I'm not BFFs with my ExPILs we do still get on fairly well, to the point I feel comfortable arranging things directly with them when necessary rather than feeling the need to only communicate with them through ExDH. Since our discussions tend to be about DD's events I don't really ever need to negotiate times with them but if my Ex was to ever fall out with his parents and not be bothered about them seeing DD would never happen as he's too much of a mummy's boy for that then I would definitely be making the effort to arrange things with them or at least make time for them to see her.

I wouldn't be rearranging my entire schedule but I would definitely let them know when DD was free and be willing to be a little bit flexible with our schedule, if possible. At the end of the day whilst I don't have to accommodate them they are still DD's grandparents and she loves seeing them as much as they love seeing her, and she'd be the one losing out if I started being rigid about our plans and refusing to send a text purely on principle that they are not my parents.

I think what you do depends on how far away your parents live and how often they see the dc usually . I don't agree that you should always cede to his demands but if it's easier to see your parents than his then it's probably worth altering the arrangements for the sake of the dc.

Melj, I see your point, I am so mad at my ex right now that I probably ought to calm down before I speak to either him or them. I guess it's a matter of principle that's giving me pause. I have a very uneasy truce with his parents and by contacting them myself I am enabling him being a lazy git. I don't think they would see the kids without him. It just all gets me so stressed, it's like I never left! My parents are more local but I don't think seeing both in one day would work because DD would get overexcited. They come back from holiday the day of the party and we are off on holiday the weekend after so it is all a bit tight!

I wouldn't change the current plans. Stop jumping to ex's whims. If he truly cared about his daughter he'd arrange to be at the party or to see her at a time convenient to her.

I certainly wouldn't be cancelling on, or mucking about, the people (maternal grandparents) who've already made arrangements. That's just beyond rude.

I have a very uneasy truce with his parents and by contacting them myself I am enabling him being a lazy git

Stop enabling him. If the relationship between the kids, their father and the paternal grandparents falls apart then it's 100% on them. Is he facilitating a relationship between YOUR parents and the kids? I'm thinking not. His parents, his responsibility.

I compromised by sending a quick message to his mum saying sorry we couldn't get over that weekend but that I was happy to arrange for them to see the girls another time. They basically said no thanks. So next time I will neither bother nor feel guilty! The kids are not that fussed either which I guess speaks volumes. DD2 is just upset her dad won't be at her party.