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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not to see friend?

13 replies

LizzyDaisy91 · 10/06/2017 13:02

I'm not sure if I'm being unreasonable or not but I cannot bring myself to see my friend of 7 years.

She lives 30 minutes away with her hubby, she's been with him for 4 years now. We used to see each other on a monthly basis as we work night shift. Only thing that really started to bother me was the fact I never got to see her alone, be it me visiting her or visa versa. Every time we meet up her hubby is in tow. Every time.

Now between myself and her hubby he's 27 years older than me, 24 years older than her. I have nothing in common with him, nor does my partner. I don't feel like I can talk freely to my friend as he butts in and has an opinion on everything.

She'll ask to come over but it'll be within a certain time frame and surprise surprise who is with her without invitation? She recently come over whilst her hubby was at work and he actually swapped his shifts to make sure he was there, managed to get to my house from theirs in under 15 minutes.

I have absolutely no doubt he is a controlling character, she has to ask for things as her wages go into a joint account only he has access to. They're in a lot of debt from what she's told me but I can't ask too much as he's always in ear shot.

I have no idea what to do, I can't talk to her alone, messages sent to her are read by him so I can't message her freely. I feel so uncomfortable when around him and it's hugely impacted our friendship. We're in our 20's so it's literally like having a parent figure hanging round listening to our conversations.

OP posts:

AnnetteCurtains · 10/06/2017 13:07

Don't give up on her . You'll only isolate her more

ImperialBlether · 10/06/2017 13:09

I would be frank with her and tell her you love her but hate him and you don't want to see him. Tell her if she ever leaves him to let you know and you'll be there for her immediately, but that you don't want to spend any time with him.

26goog · 10/06/2017 13:11

Agree with curtains

She needs to know you are there for her when hopefully she opens her eyes and gets out of this relationship.

It could be a while though...

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 10/06/2017 13:12

Agree with Imperial.
He is a creep.

RandomMess · 10/06/2017 13:12

Arrange to pick HER up from home and go for a "girls only" coffee, he will really truly show his colours if he objects to that.

Pass her on the details of WA and about financial abuse and control...

JaneEyre70 · 10/06/2017 13:15

Can you say "oh let's make it just us girls - we never get time anymore together" next time you arrange something with her, so it's crystal clear that he isn't included? If she still brings him, then I'd say that she's being very controlled and agree that you shouldn't isolate her more.

HandbagCrazy · 10/06/2017 13:16

Can you concoct some job or other that needs doing at your house so when they come, your DP needs a hand with it (car, garden, shed related type thing). So he's with her but not around you.
Use the time to explain you're worried about her, you'd like to see her on her own and if she has any ideas on how to make it happen?

It's not unreasonable to want to avoid it as it's the only way to avoid him, but if she is really a friend I think you should keep communication open between you so if she ever gets to the point she wants to leave and needs help, she knows she has you to turn to.
Read some of the threads on here - the amount of women who post that they can't leave as they have no friends left to turn to is heartbreaking.

nancy75 · 10/06/2017 13:25

I agree with not giving up on her. If she works can you be close to where she works at around lunch time one day, call her and get her to come out & meet you? If the meeting isn't planned he won't be able to just turn up

MadeForThis · 10/06/2017 13:40

Treat her to an afternoon out to get your nails done. He cant complain about that and he can't come.

CadnoDrwg · 10/06/2017 14:24

Our local swimming pool does female only sessions which can include aqua fit type sessions too.

Try inviting your friend along with you because "you want to try something new" if you have anything similar locally. At least then you can have a friendly chat to let her know you're always there for her and anything else you think you can manage without scaring her off.

Even if he insists on escorting her to the pool he won't get poolside on a female only session.

At least then even if she currently doesn't want out of the relationship she knows there's a safe place for her if she did.

Aeroflotgirl · 10/06/2017 14:27

It does seem from what you have said, that her husband may be abusive and controlling, swapping shifts so he can effectively supervise her. I would tell her outright, that you want to meet up, but do not want him there and see what she says.

kissmethere · 10/06/2017 14:35

As hard as it is stick it out. Oh my gosh he sounds awful though.
I'd be making it my mission to exclude him as much as possible. The problem you may have is if she brings him along regardless.

MickeyRooney · 10/06/2017 14:59

This is abuse. he's stealing her wages from her and won't let her out alone! god only knows what he does to her when they are alone at home.
let her know you will help her and shelter her if she decides to bolt.
but until she makes the decision to leave or kick him out there's not much more you can do.

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