AIBU to feel upset that my kids are ignored by my husband's family?

[AnnamJ]

My husband has 2 kids in their twenties. A daughter (will call her N to make things easier) 22, and a son 26 (will call him T). T and his fiancé have a 3 year old and a 5 year old together.

N, T and T's fiancé are all very close. They don't live together but might as well do as they spend each day at each other's houses. Me and my husband are a few miles away. My kids are similar ages to T's kids, 4 and 2. We feel repeatedly cut off by them. My husband suspects N and T resent my kids because they grow up in a stable environment, whereas my husband divorced their mum (who cheated on my husband). I could understand that but even after the divorce, my husband was always heavily involved in their lives even after he met me.

The issue is that I feel my kids receive no affection from their older half sister. T doesn't bother with them either but I understand that as he has his own kids to think about. For example, I invited them all to a soft play centre for my daughters 2nd birthday, and none of them turned up on the day. I eventually managed to contact them (they were all going together as they live so close to each other) and they said T's 5 year old saw a Nando's on the way there and wanted to go there instead, so they did.

N completely spoils T's children. I understand they are her nephew and niece, but my 2 little girls receive nothing from her or T. No birthday presents or even a card. But T's children are given absolutely everything. N spends over 200 in presents for each of them on their birthday. They're off to Applejack's tomorrow, as always me, my husband and kids aren't invited. I don't expect them to invite my kids to everything for free, nothing of the sort, but I wish they'd at least ask us to accompany them along to things occasionally for the children's sake as they are similar ages. Of course T and his fiancé have no problem wanting us to babysit when they go out.

Me and my husband's parents are both dead, and neither of us have any siblings so it's not like my kids have any other family to bother with them. Whereas T's kids have me and my husband, N, and their mum's side of the family.

I don't really understand what your expectations are. They just aren't that bothered.

Leave them be and get on with your own life.

It sounds like none of them work if they spend all day at each others houses?

I agree with PP - stop trying to force the Happy Families thing.

You can't force people to feel a family relationship with you and your children if they don't feel it. If you try to press it you'll just drive them away.

I have 2 half brothers who were born when I was 33; my father's wife is my age, which I've always found a bit grim. The way I see it, my father has new family now and they're not much to do with me. I didn't grow up with these people, they came along when I was way into adulthood, and so I feel they are 'his' people and not 'mine'.

I got a lot of guilt tripping about not seeing the them enough and eventually it got so unpleasant to be nagged all the time I stopped seeing them altogether. I really resented my father feeling like he could somehow saddle me with family obligations to people who didn't feel like my family.

You can't force it, OP - your DH's DC may feel to you like family, but they had a long history together before you came along, and you and your children will probably not feel like part of their family in the same way. It's just how it goes.

I do feel this is a problem for OP & those who are in a similar situation. I actually said bullshit when I read the comments about the GC asking what does spoilt GC mean, why are there no pictures up of us. Children don't notice such trivial things, but they will if they over hear parents going, what a joke spoilt grandchildren, or did you notice not one photo from our side.

The way to mitigate the photo issue is to give a picture, it might not be in the living room but somewhere more personal like by the bed.

The only way the children are going to sense a problem is if you make one.

I agree with the person who said by making them pay for not going to the event you've made it financial not a common courtesy thing.

I know this because my DC grew up with their Grandmother & young aunt and uncle close. She started a relationship, moved away, the guy had no children, he hadn't been married even, but he was a step father at some point, he remained close to them.

They actually trumped 2 blood related grandchildren. There were no photos, they baby sat for them not us.

My DC don't even mention their Grandmother or Aunts and Uncle that just disappeared from their life.

So to make out the issue is about the children is wrong, when the issue is you feel slighted.