About the timetable of our move?

[Kuriusoranj]

I'm honestly not sure if IABU so I'm putting it to the jury. Key details changed/ vagued up because I really want private stuff to be private.

I am from the UK, my husband is from country A. Our children have dual citizenship. Since we have been together our plan has been to settle in country A and in fact we came very close to the move about 5 years ago, but at the last minute his transfer switched and we moved to country B. It's been fine in country B - children are happy, husband job challenging and busy but good for his career. So far, so good.

I have been working too and I am very very unhappy. My boss is a sexist bully, my job is stressful and unrewarding (except financially) and I have several times been on the point of walking out without another job. Our children are also about to get to an age where we will want to be static for schooling for a few years.

At the start of this year we agreed that this would be our last year in B and we would start to plan our move to A. I'm the planner in our family so I've been doing just that: I have a timeline, I've worked out the finances and according to my timeline the children and I should be in A in early Feb next year. That means I can finally quit my shitty job in December. My husband had started to talk to people about a transfer job in A, but had only done that this week. He works for a big org so the transfer is very likely, although it may take some time to do. He has reasonably taken the position with his contacts that the timing is important so he isn't going to be too picky about the role he considers.

It all sounds great, and we are genuinely a great partnership, both happy with the move. Hunky dory. Last night I was talking about the move (I'm a very external thinker, so I have to talk stuff through a lot) when he started to say things like "Well we don't know when we'll be able to move. It will all depend on my transfer and we can't go until my transfer goes through".

This has unreasonably thrown me. I understand that financially a move together is best for us and that if we have to run two households for a while it will be expensive, but actually I don't think that the entire family's plans hinge on his transfer.

But.... I do have form for snap decision making, so I wonder if I'm just panicking because I hate my job so much and actually I should just relax and accept the move may slip by a couple of months. Or AIBU to put my foot down and say no, this time we'll do it my way?

Eeesh, sorry for the wall of text. The app lost all my paragraphs.

Eeesh, sorry for the wall of text. The app lost all my paragraphs.

Had you discussed you and DC moving first? If not I think it's reasonable for him to assume you'd all go together

It's not unreasonable to do it your way if you can afford it, but if it's not been discussed it probably hasn't occurred to him

Hmm I understand you're keen for a change mainly due to your hating your current circumstances/ role
It sounds like u our DH is supportive of the move and from what I understand he can stay with his current employer and that he has already expressed his desire to relocate to employer and has asked for relocation options - but right now he doesn't know yet what role may transpire for him until his employer tells him? And it sounds like he may have to take a different role - possibly a demotion to make the move happen but is willing to do so for family life and joint desire for a move ?

If I'm understanding the above correctly I think he's on the same page as you but wants to get his ducks in a row first - presumably at first at least you wouldn't be working as you'd have to seek a new role so whatever transfer role he takes with current employer has to make sense so that he can support the family initially until you all get settled

If that's all true I think you need to be patient as it sounds like he is on the same page as you and wants to make it happen but also wants to get his ducks in a row first so the move is smooth and happy for you all

I hope it all goes well and I'm sayInf this as a wife who's living abroad for husbands career but I have made a happy and settled and successful life of my own

Also if his transfer is a sure thing but the timing isn't there is nothing stopping you and the kids going on ahead of him, finding a home, schools etc. It's not ideal but if they need to get into schools by a deadline and he has to stay on a little beyond that then it's a small short term sacrifice

Will you know where in Country A? Is there more than one base?

I don't think it's a major issue, just a conversation to work through. You'll get there!

Thank you for the considered replies - I like that nobody just agreed with me wholesale!

To answer a couple of questions - financially we'll be ok if I'm not working for a while, even if we do have to run 2 households. Obviously it will be better if we don't have to do that for long, but it would be ok. I do wonder if he worries about being the sole wage earner, though - he's a classic still water running deep so he wouldn't necessarily articulate it, even to himself.

We were separated for a couple of months when we moved to B - and shorter than we should have, because I threw a wobbler and insisted we come to join him, before we'd sold the house. We then took another 6 months with one wage and two residences before we got straight - and it brought us very close to bankruptcy. So, although splitting us up for a bit won't worry him, I wonder if the possible financial risk is occupying his mind.

We know exactly where in country A - close to his family and we're more or less agreed on specific areas.

Thank you all though - pickle you're dead right - and just the simple act of posting this and having other people offer alternative points of view has really made me feel this isn't such a big deal after all. I'm really glad I posted, thanks for getting me down off the ceiling, lovely people. Now back to my spreadsheets...