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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Changing the funeral

38 replies

Hotpinkangel19 · 08/06/2017 20:26

I need to change who takes the funeral service. We booked a humanist service today but it's wrong. I'm heartbroken, we need a priest instead. Is this even possible?

OP posts:
klippityklock · 08/06/2017 22:39

Flowersphone your priest now.. they are on call 24/7... he will help you out whatever way you need. Love and hugs op xx

CaulkheadUpNorf · 08/06/2017 22:41

phone your priest now.. they are on call 24/7
Please,for the love of all that is good and true, call in the morning. This is not an immediate emergency.

BeeThirtythree · 08/06/2017 23:03

So sorry for your loss. The loss of a parent is extremely difficult as we think they will be there forever. It is a confusing time and you may just do things on 'auto pilot'. Trying to grieve while engaging in other family members etc grief and as you are doing being there for them is hard also.
As a Funeral Director, I say you can absolutely change your mind,as pp have said, it is often done and celebrants will understand. Often families speak to a few before choosing. If you need to cancel the celebrant and don't feel up to it...your funeral director will help. Please ask your funeral Director about anything you want/need...it is what we are here for, to make sure you are 'ok'. The funeral Director can arrange a Catholic priest to speak with you about the service and conduct it. You can have both the priest and humanist celebrant...a balance of religious service and what your mum would have liked.
I know it is hard but try to get some rest, take time out for yourself and eat/drink often. I hope you are able to plan a service that will honour the beautiful life and memories of your mum.
Do not feel embarrassed/you are asking too much when dealing with Funeral Director/celebrants etc

If you need any help/have any questions please PM me 💐💐Flowers

MissClimpsonsTypingBureau · 09/06/2017 07:19

I'm a vicar (C of E) and I'd prioritise a funeral over most other things already in my diary. Catholic priests I know do the same. Everyone is on the same side- everyone wants to support you and your family in giving your mum the right send off that honours who she was and helps you and your family to grieve.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 09/06/2017 07:56

Was it sudden or did your mum know it was coming and expressed views on what she wanted? I sympathise, it will be 7 years tomorrow since my mum died and she was adamant at wanting cremation not burial, if your mum had very strong views on what she wanted and it wasn't a sudden passing, i'm sure she would have told you.
Also, please try not to stress too much about it, as it will never be "perfect". The man who did my mums service actually read out completely the wrong birth date, and my aunt got up to give a speech and it was all about her not my mum, going on about events my mum was present for, but focused on my aunt, like banging on about some bag my mum had bought for her, but describing the bag and how much she loved it, my mums mention simply bring she paid for it. My aunt is also religious but my mum and dad weren't so it was strictly a no religion service but my aunt was mentioning god, heaven etc in her speech. I tried to veto her speech as she sent a copy a day or two prior to the funeral but my dad (who had the final say on everything) didn't want to rock the boat and so let her do it, but was so angry after that he didn't tell her no, and all my dads side of the family were commenting after how selfish and self centred her speech was.

BUT, in the end, it didn't matter what anyone around me was saying, because all that really mattered was that there was a crematorium, packed full with loads more people stood outside who there wasnt room for, all there, just to remember and say goodbye to my mum. I spent most of the time in my own head with my own thoughts, unintentionally, and couldn't really focus all that much on what everyone else was saying and doing.

Crumbs1 · 09/06/2017 08:00

You should be able to get a priest. Call them and ask. You might have to call a few parishes but I'm sure you'll find one.
If not do a mass at the weekend for her.

MissClimpsonsTypingBureau · 09/06/2017 13:51

Hope you've managed to get things sorted Hotpink. Prayers for you, your mum and your family.

Jux · 09/06/2017 13:56

You need to talk to your brother before you change things though. If you think he'll be OK about it, then it won't be a problem, but if you think he will have a problem you'd better get that sorted out between you first.

skiploom · 09/06/2017 15:32

No need to ring around local vicars - rearrange it via your undertaker. They know exactly what to do and who to ask.

I take lots of funerals and have had quite a few 'cancellations' as well as requests to take a funeral at short notice, it's not a strange thing to ask. It's important that you have the funeral that is right for you and your mum.

annielouisa · 09/06/2017 15:43

Hi so sorry for your loss. I lost my husband suddenly and although l am not Catholic he was all be it lapsed but we knew he woukd want a priest and our undertakers found one who was fantastic and guided us through what was needed. We had an hour long Crematorium slot as DC and DGC wanted to to talk about DF and DGF. It was beautiful if very very emotional. You need to talk to your DB though not just change things.

SirVixofVixHall · 09/06/2017 15:55

I'm so sorry. I was with my Mum when she died 12 m ago, so I understand the blank shock of the loss. I also had to organise her service. Funeral directors normally help if you need it, they can be a great support. Have a chat with the local RC priest at the church where you want the service, he will then guide you through everything. I had organised my Father's service, so when Mum died at least I knew what I was doing. My parents had church services and burials, but not RC, although I don't think there is much difference. You will mainly need to think about music, readings, flowers and a coffin. The undertaker can help you with a coffin, but you can also choose it yourself from somewhere else (I did that).
Flowers to you. It is really tough, but you will get through it.

Hotpinkangel19 · 09/06/2017 18:16

Thank you everyone xxx I spoke to my DB today who was totally lovely about everything, and was more than happy for me and Dad to change it. DB works at the funeral directors so promises he will do all he can to sort it. So grateful to you all for taking the time to reply and reassure me xx

OP posts:
TressiliansStone · 09/06/2017 18:22

So glad it's being sorted to everyone's satisfaction.Thanks

All best wishes with all the arrangements.

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