To be annoyed at lack of contact? (MIL related)

[Topuptheglass]

I'm trying to calm myself down and I think need to hear that I might be being a little unreasonable before I go mad.

My in-laws live abroad for a part of the year, but we've always got on well. I'd say we had a good relationship.

When they're home they come here for dinner, we visit them, they're great with the kids (two teens) & interested in our lives.

Unfortunately a very close family member of mine passed away very recently after a short illness. During this illness I wasn't at home a lot, so when they called from abroad they'd say to dh "tell topup hello" etc.. but MIL would also text me (intermittently) asking after me & my family member.

My sibling died two weeks ago. Dh called to tell them & Mil said she'd call me. I haven't even had a text message off them.

(My SIL who also lives abroad but not in the same place as PIL) has been texting, emailing & calling to chat, to check the kids are OK (they were very close to my sibling)

Mil called dh tonight. She didn't ask to speak to me. (It was a fleeting call, max one minute) I heard him say 'she's so-so' which was obviously about me, but didn't ask if she wanted to talk to me & Mil obviously didn't ask to speak to me. (I have ranted at dh but it's not his fault his mother is thoughtless)

AIBU to find this a bit odd? At no point in the two weeks since the death has she even contacted me? (I'm her only DIL, our kids are her only grandchildren)

They're home next week, how am I going to hide my hurt at their behaviour? AIBU to have expected some kind of contact on this major loss in my life?

I've had messages from strangers, people have stopped me in the street (uncomfortable but shows they care) yet my husband's mother & father haven't spoken to me. I'm just so sad.

(Pardon typos I'm on mobile)

Some people can be shit if they're uncomfortable with death. It's not you, it's them. Sorry for your loss, must be awful

Maybe she thinks she should leave you in peace to grieve? Some people do things differently.

Thank you peaface.

Maybe notanevilstepmother but my MIL knows me well & knows I'm not one to close myself off.

But maybe you're right - it could be that. But I'd still have thought a message along those lines would've been nice.

I'm not great with death and generally avoid people that are grieving as I always put my foot in it or say the wrong thing maybe she's worried she'll make it worse.

people are weird about death and grief. As a pp said, they just avoid it. It is shit for the person grieving but there you are. I have a friend whose child died and she said people in their small town would literally cross the street rather than encounter her and have to say something.

I don't understand the fear of saying the wrong thing. All you need to say is "so sorry for your loss" that is all.

Unfortunately a lot of people are really shit at dealing with death, they are frightened of saying the wrong thing just incase they upset you, when in reality saying nothing is worse! Sounds like your mil was good when your sibling was ill but now that they have died she dosent quite know how to speak to you so is going through your dh instead. I had people cross the road when my dd died because they didnt know what to say, it hurts, a lot esp when those close react so differently to how you expect, dont be to cross but do let them know how upset you are. Sorry for your loss. Xx

My mother saw myself and husband the day after his sister died and said NOTHING. She also never contacted him to say sorry that his parents died either a few months later. All three died within 8 months of each other and she didn't say a word. I found it hard to forgive. She is just useless at empathy. I agree with others that a lot of people just don't know what to say, it doesn't lessen the hurt though does it?

Two and a half years since my mum died and my sil has yet to acknowledge it

I think they're just not sure how to react - she obviously cares from the texts whilst your sibling was ill, but probably feels a text about the death would be trite.
My MiL has never once asked after my father even though he's nearing the end, and has been ill for over 2 years and she comes to see us regularly. That's uncaring.
Your MiL sounds like she cares. I think your DH ought to be telling her that he thinks you'd appreciate some contact from her.
Sorry for your loss OP

My sister was amazing. She was the strongest, bravest, inspirational woman I've ever known.

She'd be telling me not to give them brain space. But it still hurts.

Thank you so much for the replies. I'm going to be civil to them when they're home, but I have to say, I honestly think a little less of them now.

My brothers in-laws don't have a good relationship with him or his wife, but even they made a massive effort to attend the wake & commiserate with my parents. I guess I'm expecting too much.

Thanks all

If I didn't know for sure that dh rang & told them the day she died, I'd be wondering if they even knew!

Thanks for the perspective everyone. It's easy to grab onto something & target my anger in that direction.

I am really sorry for your loss.

I would say, as PP have said, that it may that they don't know how to react or what to say. Or they could just be trying to give you space to deal with the loss.

People often don't know how to react when someone is grieving and are scared of making things worse, feel they need to give you space or simply don't know how to deal with it themselves.

I suffered a shocking bereavement a few years ago and a lot of people contacted my hubby rahter than me to make sure I was ok etc as they didn't want to disturb me. It didn't mean they didn't care they genuinely thought that was the best thing to do.

I wouldn't take it as a personal snub, as hard as that may be.

Sending hugs xxx

Yep, I'm crap at dealing with death. Even struggled to write it then. I'd be thinking of you, but wouldn't want to discuss it, especially over the phone.

Thanks.

It's not even about the death. She doesn't even have to mention my sister's name.

Some sort of acknowledgement would be the kind thing to do, surely?

I don't joyously bounce up to people & offer my condolences, nobody likes talking about death, it's the 'how are you?' 'Im thinking of you' I'm talking about.

With them living abroad, any time there's a death here, dh or I (usually both of us) attend wakes or funerals on their behalf. But not one member of MIL family have made contact with me. We all live in a small village so they are aware.

Anyway, today is a new day. Thanks for all the opinions. The ball is in in-law's court & although I'll be civil to them I'll never forget her for this.

How hard is it to say sorry for your loss? Or send a card or note? Or FFS even a text?
I would think a lot less of them.
Im sorry for your loss

My fil's brother (dh uncle) is a staunch Presbyterian farmer & was the only one who attended her funeral.

Coco & Navy thanks.

Navy I can't imagine how difficult it is to lose a child. My sister was in her 30's & that's still horrendously young. She has left behind young children. Such a cruel world. I'm so sorry for your loss

(I don't mean uncle was the only person there - I meant only family relation of dh's)

I think being able to talk about it with people who don't know her has helped me a bit. My other siblings can't believe it when I say she hasn't contacted me. But they're due home this weekend so will see how that goes.

There's no excuse OP when it's someone as close as your MIL. Mine did similar but not as bad... She acknowledged my dads death in email (they live abroad) but I've seen her loads since and she hasn't asked how I am or anything. This is a woman who is extremely caring and does talk about death so she doesn't fit the bill of many mentioned on here... she is always talking about her late dad and I ask questions and enjoy her stories. But nothing about mine.. I lost him young too. I purposefully talk about him a lot around her and she still doesn't give much back. It's baffling. It's made me think less of her and don't feel close to her anymore.
It takes nothing to say "how are you doing, thinking of you"