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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Confused about emotional abuse

38 replies

Spangledangle · 08/06/2017 00:06

Hi everyone i'm a long time lurker but never posted before.I just wanted some perspective on my situation.I'm a woman in my late 20s and my dad has always been a selfish man but lately i am feeling that it may be more than that and that it was emotional abuse.
Basicaly my parents divorced when i was 8 and every weekend my brother and i would go to dads.Dad would never do anything with us whilst we were there he would fall asleep and leave us to it.our bedrooms were sparse.we were never given any money for sweets or treats and my dad would barely have any food in feeding us fish and chips before we went home.my brother and i ate flora and sugar.He would go ballistic if we asked for any money like the time my brother asked for 5 pounds for a recorder or 30p as i had forgot my busfare.this is a man who has plenty of money spending hundreds on clothes and nights out every weekend.

I always felt like i needed to please and appease him and had constant guilt all my life.He never spent any time with me as an adult and never rings me.We never had holidays as he went alone or with his girlfriend (who was married).His needs always came before ours.
So is my dad just a selfish bastard or was this abuse.I had a fantastic mother and i think that makes it worse as its a stark contrast.

OP posts:
ChasingAPinkBall · 08/06/2017 09:39

No I didn't mean it cancels the abuse out. I'm not an idiot.

I was trying to explain that I've been through similar and I read something last night that said that. It said something along the lines of "traumatic emotional abuse occurs when a child has no single supportive loving parent.

I've already said that I misunderstood it and wasn't very clear in my explanation.

How about you offer some constructive advice? Or shall we just go through and correct all the other comments too?

Pouncival · 08/06/2017 09:50

I actually did offer constructive advice if you read back earlier - I clarified that neglect IS abuse - I work in a number of settings that we have to look out for neglect as much as other abuse

I don't think it is helpful to minimise any kind of abuse and I didn't call you an idiot. Abuse is abuse whether it is one parent or both parents - I am happy for the OP that she had one great parent but it doesn't mean her father wasn't abusive and she may need to seek counselling to help her through this

ChasingAPinkBall · 08/06/2017 10:14

Lets just leave this.
I've said I'm sorry a couple of times now. I obviously didn't understand the article I read and I shouldn't have commented.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 08/06/2017 10:16

emotional and financial neglect, sorry OP. I think these things can hurt more at time goes on as you become an adult and realise how shit it really is Flowers

Original poster
Spangledangle · 08/06/2017 11:08

Thankyou everyone.I'm just trying to straighten it all out in my head'we're low contact at the moment and i think i'll work towards no contact.I'm also going tl take the advice and have some counselling.Theres no point confronting him as he denies and twists facts and makes you feel guilty so its difficult to understand things sometimes

OP posts:
Mysterycat23 · 08/06/2017 11:24

OP the twisting things around and denial and trying to make you feel guilty is all part of it. A non abusive person would not respond in this way. Have you heard of gaslighting?

Good luck Flowers

KC225 · 08/06/2017 11:42

I think it's abuse. Not feeding you. Showing no affection or care. That is abusive. Did you ever speak to your Mother about what was happening?

Original poster
Spangledangle · 08/06/2017 11:45

My mother knew he was selfish and when she found out he was taking us to the pub on fri nights so he could see his friends she went mad and told him.however we never really told mum as we always felt we had to defend dad as he made you feel sorry for him so i felt guilty and afraid.As an adult we have since told my mother and she was appalled and upset.

OP posts:
nina2b · 08/06/2017 11:47

Don't waste time in him.

nina2b · 08/06/2017 11:47

...on

Original poster
Spangledangle · 08/06/2017 11:47

I think my brother and i have done a lot of minimising.

OP posts:
Pouncival · 08/06/2017 12:11

OP everything you've said resonates with me - the minimising, feeling sorry for him, guilty, afraid etc. I've had a lot of counselling and am now very low contact - I'd like to go no contact but I don't think that will happen.

good luck for the future, counselling helped me enormously

Lottapianos · 08/06/2017 13:01

I can't recommend counselling/psychotherapy enough. Your relationship with your parents is too emotional and the patterns of the relationship are too entrenched for your to pick them apart on your own. You will get a much better understanding of the impact of his behaviour on you through professional support.

Also a very good plan to avoid confronting him directly. You sense that he would absolutely not be able to hear you or reflect on what you say, so save yourself that pain.

Minimising is a technique you learn from abusive / neglectful parents. They show you in so many little and not so little ways that you are insignificant and you don't matter, so you never learn to trust your own judgement and draw healthy boundaries for yourself. Again, therapy will help you enormously with this.

Very best of luck with it all OP

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