To be not talking to dp

[SharkiraSharkira]

I know it's childish but still..

My dsis came over tonight so we can discuss our upcoming surprise visit to our dbro for his birthday. Dbro lives 6+hrs away on the train so consequently we have not seen him for over 6 months as it is quite a faff and expensive to get there.

After dsis leaves dp starts complaining that I've been talking with dsis all night and that I'm leaving him on his own all weekend to visit dbro and generally being whingy.

I am pissed off and have gone to bed because dp NEVER makes to effort to visit ANY of my family with me, despite the fact that we are engaged, been together 4 years, and I spend probably at least 2 weekends a month with HIS family (he would be annoyed if I didn't visit his family with him by the way).

Yes, it is a long way/long time to visit my family but isn't my family just as important as his? Why does his take priority just because they are closer? I'm not even asking him to come with me just to not moan when I want to see my brother on his birthday! Aibu??!!

YANBU. He's being a whiny twat. Ignore.

This is how controlling behaviour starts.

He makes it so uncomfortable for you to do what you want (without directly forbidding you) that you avoid doing what you want and do what he wants.

You need to make a point of being away more often and of not visiting his family so often. Go out with friends or visit the library. He can be annoyed, he can moan, you can still do what you want.

Either he will stop as he learns that you can't be manipulated with whinge and huff and you having your own life doesn't destroy his life, or he will realise that he needs your constant attention like a clingy toddler and will ramp up the pressure to make you attend only to him.

YANBU to want to visit your DB regardless of how often, how far or how long. YANBU to spend the evening chatting to your DSis either.

I'm a right one for the not talking to each other thing, but in my experience it doesn't help. You can feel confident that you've done nothing wrong, so no need for the silent treatment, just tell him it's a done deal and he needs to get over it.

If this is part of a larger pattern of controlling behaviour where he expects you to do things for him, but won't return the favour then have a long hard think about your future together. I wouldn't be marrying a man who made such a fuss about me visiting my DBro and especially if he wasn't interested in coming either.

You need to say all of this to him. Going to bed in a huff is passive aggressive. You need to learn how to sort these things out like adults, preferably before you get married.

I know that sometimes you can't think of the words at the time and it's only later that you stew on it and work out why he is being unreasonable. But having done that, you do need to have the discussion - tomorrow at the latest, else it will be brushed off and never get resolved.

Stand up for yourself now, before the pattern gets too entrenched.

This should set alarm bells off for you. It won't get any better because this is the time that he's meant to be "impressing you".

If he makes you feel like you always have to go and see his family but can't make the effort to visit yours then he doesn't have enough respect for any of you and to make matters worse he should never make you feel guilt for visiting your family in this situation. Very controlling. I wouldn't be happy with this

If he's this much of a whiney douche now when you're doing something completely normal, how depressing will it be when you want to do something that clashes with his wants. Has he ever had to compromise and done so with grace/as an adult?

Red flag for me, wouldn't put up with that kind of whining at any stage of a relationship but you're not even married yet. His behaviour WILL get worse when the ring's on your finger.

Have a think about this, next it will be your friends he has a problem with. He values his family and thinks you should too, but your family just take you away from him, nice.

Tell him he's whining and that whining is never a good look for an adult. But you can't do that if you give him the silent treatment.

Tell him to fuck off and grow up. And carry on not talking to him. Have a fun weekend!

Enjoy your weekend with your family. And start to enjoy more weekends with your family/friends whilst he visits his family. He can complain as much as he wants, but your an independent adult who should be in control of who you want to spend time with.