Female friends who are exs

[purplerain85]

My husband just told me he's meeting a girl he used to go out with (briefly) for a few drinks whilst he's on a business trip. He told me when he rang me earlier. AIBU to be slightly bothered even though I told him to have a good night. I worry slightly cos this girl who is very nice from what I know of her is always telling me how lucky I am and my husband is a good guy. The other thing is this girl has had a few problems in the past and my husband always says stuff like I feel sorry for her she got screwed over. Also it didn't help when he face timed me to talk to our children I looked like I'd been dragged through a bush after running around all day please go easy on me I only had a baby a few weeks ago which is why I'm slightly uneasy about this

I'm pretty laid back generally but I wouldn't be comfortable with this. Totally fine being friends with exes and chatting to them, but I am not a big fan of one on one meetings with them. In our case my partner wouldn't be happy with me meeting with an ex one on one either so it works for us.

If you aren't happy then talk to him and express this.

What I meant is, if someone wants to cheat, you can't really do anything to stop them. I don't really follow the "it was the circumstances that made me cheat" school of thought, though.

I wouldn't be happy at all. Female friends are fine but exes are not unless you know them well and are sure that they are no longer interested in each other.

Wouldn't bother me at all - I meet up with plenty of my exes as we're still mates - I chose DH and I'm not about to cheat. if you trust your DH, then it's no problem.

YANBU. It seems a thoughtless thing for him to do. You'll get the usual crew of people along saying men and women can be friends or you're paranoid etc but sorry when you're in the particularly vulnerable state of having just had a baby and are home alone with time to think while changing nappies it must be a bit shit to think of your husband going out to a restaurant or whatever to meet another woman even if it is completely platonic. So I get where you're coming from. Is he usually this insensitive?

Especially if it sounds like she plays the 'damsel in distress' card with him a bit

That's only if you're of the 'destiny' school of thought - where cheaters are born and circumstances have nothing to do with it.
If someone cheats in a certain circumstance, they'd have cheated anyway. It's not up to the partner to make sure their OH doesn't end up in a circumstance where they could potentially cheat! Some people never cheat even when they could easily do so without being found out. I'd you don't trust your partner, you can't exhaust yourself trying to make sure they don't end up in a potentially dangerous situation.

Oh good grief. I am still friends with a number of former partners. Primarily because we all work in the same sector and socialise via the same political scene. My partner doesnt mind. After all, he is the one I married.

Is he usually this insensitive?

All men are supposed to be mind readers? Its so vexing that one of the things that seems to happen with childbirth is an epic rise in stereotypical female insecurity and paranoia. And then men are supposed to recognise that their partner is unhappy with her hair so should not speak to any women that the partners feels is in some way physically superior (please world, dont judge women on their looks but excuse us when we are critical of our partners for going for a drink with a women who I have judged more attractive that me).

(although business trips a few weeks partner giving birth needs to be rethought to be honest).

I'm good friends with my ex husband and friends with my other ex's. There is absolutely nothing in it.

The fact your husband is telling you is good. I wouldn't feel uneasy or annoyed at all.

Congratulations on your baby.

I'm very trusting and I would be completely fine with this. I'm good friends with a couple of my exes, including ex-husband. I can't imagine ever not talking or meeting up with them just because someone else feels insecure. If my partner was concerned, I would reassure him that there's nothing to worry about, but I would still meet with these people. They are my friends

This is one of those things where it's fine in some relationships and not in others, and it's all about where you draw your boundaries. If you're not comfortable with it, talk to him about it. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, only the two of you.

My partner is friends with his ex. I don't like it.
However I feel that's my problem, not his so I swallow it. They are in touch by text occasionally and they do meet up sometimes.
For example he met up with her a few months ago to discuss his career options as she works in a similar field, and he visited her last year so he could meet her new baby. He never hides it if they're texting and always let me know if he's planning to meet up with her. I think if he's doing as my partner does and being open and honest then you have nothing to worry about.

scottishdiem I'm glad we at least agree that the business trip a few weeks after OP giving birth is a bit poor. That was what I imagine is the hardest part here. She's not peeved that as you put it he has failed to recognise that their partner is unhappy with her hair so should not speak to any women that the partners feels is in some way physically superior . That's a bit of a leap from what the situation is. Also i don't think she mentioned anything about the female's physical appearance? The part about stereotypical female insecurity and paranoia is a bit unfair as well. She's not had a screaming tantrum at him for talking to another female just asked if she is unreasonable to be a little put out by it which I think she is justified in for all the reasons I already explained. So yes I think he has been a bit thoughtless /insensitive to have made the whole arrangement when she is home with children and a new baby.

I would be fine with this.

i wouldn't mind (but thats just me to be fair) - Is there a reason why you would be worried/annoyed? If he's got form for cheating or lying, then maybe, but if its just because she female, then i think you are (slightly) being unreasonable. Do you not trust your husband?

I didn't realise that so many people were untrusting of their partners...
That's a real eye-opener.

I think it's a good sign if people stay in contact with exes - it shows they weren't arseholes in the relationship and can have civil, mature, grown-up relationships with members of the opposite sex. Bravo.

My one caveat is that if the relationship with the ex is conducted covertly, that's not ideal.
However, I wouldn't be surprised if a lot of men were like this after reading the jealous, insecure and untrusting responses here.

The 'I 100% trust my husband, but wouldn't be happy about him meeting an ex' is disingenuous. If you write that, you don't trust him.

Wouldn't bother me if they dated briefly. The thought of physical contact with many people I once dated briefly is now repulsive to me. I thought that was normal. Do people really still fancy everyone they've ever dated, so that they can't ever trust themselves to have a coffee with them?

If someone cheats in a certain circumstance, they'd have cheated anyway.

It really doesn't work that way.

I wouldn't be thrilled tbh. I wouldn't say anything though as it would due to my issues not because DP is untrustworthy.

He is friends with one ex, if she's in our city on business we have her round for dinner. Sometimes she stays over. I'm fine with that, she's nice.

Having met her, I'd be fine with him meeting her for drinks/dinner in her city.

Some random ex, less so.

He had told you, so not untrustworthy. I would sit with the discomfort, it's not like she was the last long relationship.
Congratulations on your baby.

I wouldn't mind either.
My dh is still good friends with an ex. They always used to meet up with friends for a drink. I rarely went either!
Im still good friends with an ex, i meet up with him when he's in the area.
They're ex's for a reason!

YANBU. This would fuck me off royally.

Depends who ended it and how long ago. I can understand a paranoia during the period right after a baby is born; I think I might be a bit insecure about the mental comparisons it might invoke between his life then and now.

I'm in touch with a couple of my ex's. They were nice people then and they are nice people now. Circumstance, different dreams, different personalities caused the break ups. Same with DH and his ex's. We live in a small town so lot of people in the same age range know each other and have ended up friends of friends so our paths cross a lot.

There's many a time I've told DH that I've bumped into someone and decided to go for a coffee or a swifty in the pub for a catch up. He's done the same. To us it's not a big deal. We've been together 27 years and I have never had reason to doubt so if he said he was having a catch up fair enough.

I find it very bizarre when people rect angerly at the thought of a partner meeting an ex unless you thought he was acting suspiciously.

Depends on the past relationship with the girl and the current relationship. So can't say either YABU or YANBU.

My DH is still friends with one of his exes. They barely see each other now because she's in mainland Europe and we're in Canada but I'd have no qualms about them meeting if she was in her country near her for whatever. I trust my DH whatever the lass is like. He is the same with me. I'm still close friends with a couple of exes and he has no problem with me meeting with them. Sometimes we don't tell each other until after the fact. Not trying to hide anything from each other but it just doesn't seem necessary as it's like meeting up with friends. But that's our relationship.