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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was IBU re dh and his sister

26 replies

Jux · 06/06/2017 11:51

Yesterday morning, dh said that his sis had called asking to pick her up and take her to hospital, she was having a cancer check, he pointed out that it meant he couldn't drop me at work (hard of not impossible to get to on pub trans). I said immediately, take her it's much more important, I can work at home or something.
But he said he didn't really want to, he was knackered from 4days working, wanted to sleep a bit more and prep for an important session he had today.
So I said, oooh I think I'd like you to take me to work.....
So he did.

Obviously, it wasn't quite as straight as that, and a bit of chit chat while decisions were made, but that's the essence.

His sis and I are NC since she lived with us for two weeks which turned into 6 months. She was rude, overbearing and right royal pita, tried to set dh and I against each other, made our dd miserable, and was constantly tippling - she couldn't wait to shake the dust off her feet and vowed never to return; that was almost 5 years ago..

Since then, I have seen her at mil's funeral and that's it. DH has seen her maybe half a dozen times since she left our house, including mil's funeral.

I feel I should have pushed him harder to do right by his sister and take her to the hospital for whatever test it is, regardless of his own preference not to have to.

She lives about half an hour away and the hospital is about a further half an hour. She does drive and has a car, she was tired and stressed and didn't want to drive herself, according to dh. He didn't ask what test or what type of cancer, so it could be as simple as a smear, or much much worse.

OP posts:
Pinkheart5919 · 06/06/2017 11:54

Your dh is an adult, she is his sister and it doesn't sounds as if they really even see each other so tbh I'm not surprised he didn't drop everything to be used as a free taxi service

WorraLiberty · 06/06/2017 11:55

You're not his mum though.

If he didn't want to give his sister a lift, what can you do about it?

All the rest of your OP is irrelevant really.

ScrambledSmegs · 06/06/2017 11:55

It's not your job to manage your DH's relationship with his sister. He's an adult and made the choice not to give her a lift. Why do you think it's up to you?

YANBU.

QueenMortificado · 06/06/2017 11:56

His relationship with his sister = his choice

I'd stay out of it

ScrambledSmegs · 06/06/2017 11:56

It's not your job to manage your DH's relationship with his sister. He's an adult and made the choice not to give her a lift. Why do you think it's up to you?

YANBU.

ScrambledSmegs · 06/06/2017 11:56

Ooh, double post! Sorry about that.

caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 11:58

Surely it's upto him whether he gives her a lift or not?

I don't see the issue Confused

MyPatronusIsAUnicorn · 06/06/2017 11:59

He didn't want to take her, so it's fine. They aren't close anyway. I wonder if she is looking for a way back into his life and thinks she will do it through sympathy. She could have just said hospital appointment.

Allthewaves · 06/06/2017 11:59

does she usually ask your dh for favours?

Miniwookie · 06/06/2017 12:02

Not your job to make DH take her, but seems a bit mean of him not to.

museumum · 06/06/2017 12:16

he should probably have taken her, but youre not his mum or his keeper and it's not your responsibility. You didn't even pressure him to not take her, sounds like he was backing out even if you hadn't needed a lift.
His call.

NotHotDogMum · 06/06/2017 12:17

If you were on good terms with his Dsis would you have been more insistent he take her to the appointment?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/06/2017 12:22

Unless you tried to force dh's arm by laying it on thick about needing your lift to work, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

Perhaps you feel bad because you feel like you influenced his decision? Your dh essentially didn't want to give her a lift and wanted you to give him validation/ make him feel better about his decision.

I think you could both get in touch with her later to check the appointment went well and offer your concern?

FizzyGreenWater · 06/06/2017 12:23

Sounds like his sister didn't choose to 'do right' by her brother when she had the chance, so she's lying in the bed she made.

'Tried to set you and DH against each other' ? Stay well away.

Good on your DH.

NoSquirrels · 06/06/2017 12:23

I'd be disappointed in my DH that he hadn't found out more about what was wrong with his sister - basic human compassion, no?

As to the lifts, his choice whether to take her or take you to work, so up to him entirely there.

RebornSlippy · 06/06/2017 12:27

He should have taken her. It sounds like a weird little dynamic you had going on there actually.

You: "Take her".
Him: "Don't want to. Tired. Tell me not to."
You: "Don't take her. Take me to work instead."
Him: "OK."

He wanted you to justify or validate a decision he knew was wrong and you did.

Now you feel guilty. Does he? Probably not, because now he's able to lay the 'blame' at your door.

Word to the wise; let him make his own (bad) decisions in future. Don't let him involve you in it.

Billben · 06/06/2017 12:29

I'm with your OH on this one. He hardly ever sees his sister and she rings up out of the blue to ask to be taken to hospital just because she is tired. Well, your husband was tired too so he said no. Good for him. Maybe if his sister made a bit more of an effort to get on with her family she could count on them for small favours.

RebornSlippy · 06/06/2017 12:33

Small favour, Billben? She was having a cancer check and obviously didn't feel up to or want to go alone. Have people really become so hard? He's her brother. They haven't fallen out. The OP and her have though. He's made his wife the scapegoat in this if ever challenged.

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 06/06/2017 12:42

He made his own choice, don't beat yourself up.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/06/2017 13:20

I agree he did make his wife the scapegoat in this.
Cancer check is quite vague. It could be a routine mammogram or smear or something awful and his sister is desperate for support from him.
It's fairly callous of her brother not to want to know more about her appointment..?

BluePancakes · 06/06/2017 13:55

YWNBU. Cancer check sounds scary, but without any more details it may not be. Presumably if your DH and his sister were close, he'd know why she would be having cancer checks? (And I say this as someone with BRCA1 gene mutation, having already undergone prophylactic surgery, and have annual mammograms, MRI scans, two-yearly bone density scans, and planning a double mastectomy in the future.)

If she's only 30min from the hospital, a taxi isn't out of the realms of possibility if she can't drive nor take public transport.

Original poster
Jux · 06/06/2017 14:35

You're all right.

If they were close he'd know all about it whether it was just routine mammogram/smear type thing, or if it was something serious. She does have form for dropping a nugget of hysterical information into us (via phone) and then being uncontactable for weeks afterwards, while we run about like chickens with their heads cut off trying to find out what's actually happened. I imagine if it were more than a routine check then she would have told him more, but that's me being horrid.

I know I will now be the scapegoat in this little scenario. It is a horrid dynamic in dh's family, one which I shall never understand or get to grips with. I think I have accepted my role as scapegoat, as I know, and everyone else knows, that I'm not really the bad guy. One day, I shall be free of the lot of them.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 06/06/2017 14:41

I think your DH was a bit off for not at least finding out exactly what was wrong/ what the test was. I know you say they're not close but.. maybe there was a reason she asked him?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 06/06/2017 14:42

Don't let him involve you in any similar decisions Jux. I think you just got sucked into the weird dynamic!

It would be annoying if the cancer check was just a routine check offered to all women. It would then appear that she is being dramatic and manipulative to cadge a lift. If sil has form for vague attention seeking messages, I don't blame you for considering that.
Best not to voice that opinion until you know more though.

BabyLedWhining · 06/06/2017 20:21

It's not your job to make him do right by his family.