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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To disallow children to go to their fathers place?

37 replies

BelleBoyd · 06/06/2017 11:27

My X is living in a disused office building ( legally in a guardian scheme )
He has one room with all his things in including a lot of computer stuff for his work.
There is a communal toilet in the corridor and several other people live there.
The kids-7 and 3 have visited once and he's pushing for them to visit again. They've expressed no interest to go there again. There are many things they aren't allowed to touch there and when they need the toilet they all have to go as leaving one on their own in the room isn't safe.
I don't think its an appropriate, safe, comfortable place for them to be. I've suggested him seeing them for activities instead.
Am I being unreasonable??

OP posts:
Funnyfarmer · 06/06/2017 11:30

What has he said when you suggested taking them out instead.?
Could he see them at your house and you can go out for the day?

Funnyfarmer · 06/06/2017 11:31

Also what's a guardian scheme?

ChasedByBees · 06/06/2017 11:34

No YANBU. It doesn't sound a safe environment.

caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 11:34

No, not at all. I'm all for encouraging contact but your children need to be safe. Communal toilets and the fact that it's not safe to leave them alone in his room means that he needs to see them elsewhere for now.

I also wouldn't be encouraging him to have them at your house - you are not responsible for making sure he has somewhere to look after his kids. He's a parent - he either needs to move somewhere where he can have them safely, or be prepared to take them out for the day. The park, softplay, or maybe his parents/a relatives house if possible.

Your children should not be somewhere that is unsafe.

CrazedZombie · 06/06/2017 11:34

Sounds totally unsuitable. I would stop them having contact at his "place" but allow it if he moved or had it in public.

sparechange · 06/06/2017 11:35

A guardian scheme is where people move into unoccupied buildings to prevent squatters. They are often things like office buildings, or closed old peoples homes or other 'non-standard' buildings which weren't designed to be lived in

Toysaurus · 06/06/2017 11:38

There are some of these Guardian Scheme places in Bristol that are really unsafe and there have been protests. Like live electric wires in showers and stuff.

I'm all for kids seeing their dad but I think you are right in this situation. There are much better and safer places.

hazell42 · 06/06/2017 11:39

Suggesting that they meet elsewhere, fine. 'Disallowing' them from going there, not on at all. What right have you got to do that? So the toilets are shared and they all have to go. Mite inconvenient for them, no doubt, but hardly a safeguarding issue.

Funnyfarmer · 06/06/2017 11:41

Have you checked out the accommodation yourself?

caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 11:59

If she feels her children are not safe, she has every right to speak up and say "no, this isn't appropriate".

Would you really be happy to send your 3 year old for contact in an old abandoned building? I very much doubt it. He can be a proper parent and see them where it's safe for them.

hazell42 · 06/06/2017 12:10

She didn't say old abandoned building, she said disused office building. And they are both parents. Why does she get to allow or disallow? There was no suggestions that he was allowing the children to use the communal toilets without supervision or that the other people in the building were somehow dangerous. Seems to me he is doing the best he can in a difficult situation. Suggesting that they might be more comfortable elsewhere is ok, but you really can't make demands about other people's living conditions.

Original poster
BelleBoyd · 06/06/2017 12:10

Yes I've been there. It's not that it's inconvenient so much as not safe. There are stairwells that the little one could fall through and as was mentioned it's not really a place people were supposed to live in-doesn't get cleaned etc. it's been left in the same way since the offices were disused some time ago.
TBH I'm sure with a lot of attention the kids could be safe enough but it just doesn't seem in their best interests to be there.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleBoyd · 06/06/2017 12:12

I can disallow and he would then if he disagrees that strongly have to take it up legally.
It's my job to keep them safe and happy.

OP posts:
kscience · 06/06/2017 12:16

I assume he is living here because this is all he can afford. Another assumption would be that he does not have a vast disposable income to take two small children out every time he sees them.
What are you suggesting as an alternative?

bumblebeebuzzing · 06/06/2017 12:20

I agree with you, if it is not safe then I wouldn't allow my 3 year old there.

Can he come to yours for visitation, assuming he can't afford to take them out?

caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 12:21

No, but you can say it's an appropriate place to bring young children. If he has a problem with that, he can take it up in court. It's not her job to facilitate contact when that contact is not in the best interests of her kids.

He can take them to the park (free), to his parents/a relatives house (also free) or he can do what every other parent has to do, and step up and provide safe, clean accommodation for his children.

caffeinestream · 06/06/2017 12:21

*inappropriate place, oops.

hazell42 · 06/06/2017 12:23

Lots of people live in places that are unsuitable because of poverty or lack of suitable accommodation. Do you think that they should have their children taken away too?

Iloveyouthismuch · 06/06/2017 12:24

And is part of keeping them happy limiting the opportunities to see their dad? If you are seriously concerned about their safety then you should suggest an alternative but if your ex has parental rights you can't really demand anything. And think about whether you want to start adversarial solicitors letters etc and what impact that will have on the children.

Depending on your relationship with your ex you could arrange contact where you live. There is also the option of a child contact centre.

NotMyPenguin · 06/06/2017 12:26

YANBU. It's obviously not safe for children :-/

Is there anything you can do to facilitate contact elsewhere? Does he have other options, like day visits to go on trips, seeing them at your house (recognise that in many cases this would be totally inappropriate though!), or at his parents' or siblings' houses?

TeachesOfPeaches · 06/06/2017 12:35

Absolutely not. Have a look and see if there is a contact centre he can use until he finds somewhere more suitable.

puddingpen · 06/06/2017 12:37

Fairly sure it is in the guardian contract that no under 18s are to be on the premises. I did it through three different companies and that was in all of them. He will have to meet them at McDonalds or something...

Original poster
BelleBoyd · 06/06/2017 12:38

He's sees them at least twice a week at places like soft play, the park, his relatives houses.
He has a good job and did rent a nice flat before moving to his current place. He says now he wants to wait till rents come down to move again.
He has plenty of disposable income-certainly enough to take the kids out.

OP posts:
Original poster
BelleBoyd · 06/06/2017 12:40

That's interesting puddingpen, he told me kids weren't allowed to stay overnight there but I wonder now if they are allowed at all on the premises..

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 06/06/2017 12:41

YANBU at all. Other people have suggested perfectly reasonable solutions.