to feel narked? (reality check needed?)

[AuntieMeemz]

DD has a best friend whose mum drives me up the wall. Whilst we nearly always have BF here, DD is hardly ever invited to BF house which is absolutely pristine and immaculate. The garden is like the Royal Gardens but nothing for children to play on.
Whilst we regularly adapt our plans to accommodate DDs friends including BF, BFs mum would not EVER change her plan, not even slightly to accommodate anyone else.
I work full time BFs mum doesn't work at all (doesn't need to, lucky devil).
The mum invites DD on little walks, shopping sessions etc but I'm sure it's just to keep BF out of her hair, and it's only when it directly suits her.

So stop doing it then.

YANBU to feel narked, but what can you do? I wouldn't stop inviting BF round, doesn't sound like she has much fun at home.

How does it affect you whether their garden has anything for the kids to play on or whether she works? You just sound very jealous.
Don't adapt plans if it doesn't suit you.

Yabu. You do what makes you happy, she focuses on what makes her happy. She's not demanding you do or change anything to accommodate her kid, that's your choice.

It's absurd to expect her to change her plans and work her life around other peoples kids when she can do what suits her and her family. She's not obliged to martyr herself to make you feel better about your own life. I wouldn't either.

She sounds very sensible

You sound a bit of a walkover

The mum invites DD on little walks, shopping sessions etc but I'm sure it's just to keep BF out of her hair, and it's only when it directly suits her.

Sounds exactly why you have friends over to me.

Yabu. What does her house have to do with you?

And of course you should only have children's friends over at a time which is suitable for you.

Perhaps I didn't explain it very well, but thank you for the reality check. I don't feel jealous (never really envied anyone, because I've been so lucky and blessed in life).
I perhaps feel disgruntled that the friendship (that I welcome whole heatedly) is being exploited.BF is welcomed here with open arms and they play happily for several hours most days of the week.

I just get the feeling the mum doesn't want BF around the house, or in her hair so takes advantage.

With DDs other friends, and other BF it is much more a 2 way thing. If a friend is here when i need to do errands, I usually tell the mum truthfully about the trip and see if she is happy, i don't try to pass it off as a fun trip while I trail around the shops for 4 1/2 hours!

Bloody hell, why are Mumsnet acronyms so painfully difficult.

To me BF means boyfriends. Completely changes the tone of this post.

Don't feel narked. Feel sad for the little girl. Imagine living in a house like that. Never being able to make a mess and picking up on the fact your mum doesn't want you around.
She still invites your DD around, even if it isn't to play in the house

I don't think you are being unreasonable. She sounds like a piss taker.

I don't think you ABU OP. I have had similar issues with friends whose children come round to mine regularly yet my kids barely go to theirs from one year to the next. In my case it has sorted itself out over time as it's not their best friends so both my dc have other friends who do invite them round regularly. We then do return invites and those who never invite my dc round end up coming to ours less often anyway because we just don't have time to fit that many play dates in. It has bugged me a bit from time to time and I sometimes suggest meeting at a park etc. to avoid it but mostly I have just invited them round .

Are you saying you are starting to feel more like childcare rather than hosting play dates?

The OP did not sound jealous at all Wolfiefan, but you do sound very judgemental.

It sounds like YANBU OP to feel how you are, but it does sound like DD's BF really benefits from the friendship.

Wow. Judgemental? Nice! @Legma37
Pristine and immaculate house. Relevant how? Or just jealous?
Royal Gardens? Again. OP's business why? Or jealous?
Lucky devil doesn't work. Um. Jealous!!

i'm glad some share my feelings! oops though, forgot BF could mean Boyfriend, should have said Best friend.
We've always had sort of open house for friends and I like the hullabalool when there are extra children here. I appreciate that some people have beautiful homes and want to keep them that way. Ours is lovely some (rare)days too.

Idreamofpizza - think you are right, and that things may change over time.

I don't mind being a sort of childminder, some other friends are here quite a lot, but it tends to be unplanned and fairly loose. I don't feel at all used by the other mums, quite the opposite. Most of us go out of our way to accommodate each other, it's lovely
I can't bear to reduce the play dates, the girls are so happy together.

I do think the mum is a peetaker and am relieved it's not just me who thinks so. None of the other mums only invite DD when it directly suits them because they are doing something else. Even if they did, on the odd occasion I wouldn't mind.Whenever this mum invites DD (whiich is rare, I can directly see why). DD is only ever invited to serve a specific purpose.

NoFucksImAQueen i think you are right too. DD says the house is very strict - no sitting on beds, it spoils the duvets, NO noise, no running about the house. No dirtying expensive clothes (ha, not an issue for us!).

NavyandWhite it is very rare that DD goes to friends house. Probably twice in the last 12 months. Friend and mum usually call here to 'collect' DD like a package!. Mum never wants to hang around. Our house isn't dirty, but it is always slightly scruffy.i think she just doesn't' feel comfortable here.

Still, I may have let her know I'm onto her. The other day I said to her more sharply than I meant to, that we were going out. I felt like saying 'so you can find someone else to entertain your DD'. I think that would be difficult, the mum and BF don't appear to have any other friends.

I think in time DD will work it out for herself too. I don't want to spoil her lovely friendship. I also think DD will notice the lovely warmth we share with our other friends, isn't present with this family
I do find the mum very stern and get the feeling she very much looks down on us. (ha I recall her telling me it would only cost a few thousand to paint our hall - that's five years decorating budget to us!). Saying a family day out in London only cost £200 and we should do it - ha ha, £20 is pushing it as far as I'm concerned.
We lovey a walk around a country house and 'tea and cake but don't often do anything much more expensive than that.
'.

She may not feel able to cope with the chaos children bring. If she needs to keep things calm and immaculate, she'd struggle with unstructured visits. It may be how she cope with anxiety. Or not

picklemepopcorn Goodness, never thought of that. It's so good to understand another view point. It would explain a heck of a lot of things.