To visit my nephews when sibling has no contact currently

[Earlyriser84]

To cut a long story short, a sibling of mine is separated from their OH and a divorce is under way. The problem is my sibling has had no contact with their children (my nephews).

Ex partner of sibling says that they have not bothered with the children. Sibling of mine is ignoring my attempts to contact them and visit and when they do respond they avoid the issue completely or say simply that yes, contact with children is fine (which i know is incorrect as they haven't seen them). Our DM, on the other hand, says that it is the ex OH who is preventing contact (but they do not and never have got on)

Anyway, due to the long back story, i am inclined to believe the ex OH is telling the truth (although i obviously can't be certain). WIBU of me to arrange to visit the nephews with the ex OH. I am worried now that the ex is a single parent and the children currently have no contact with our side of the family and i'm concerned regarding sibling's behaviour.

DP tells me not to get involved and to just leave it until they sort it out themselves or the nephews are older (they are still very young)

Can you ask your sibling if they mind you seeing their kids? My sister saw my brothers daughter during a time when he hadn't seen his daughter for a year and he and my sister fell out over it and haven't spoken for 5 years.

I think arranging to see your nephews is completely reasonable.

The only thing I would refrain from would be discussing the situation between your brother and ExOH. You don't want dragged into any complicated issues.

And as Jupitar says check with sibling to see if he is happy for you to do so

I have a DD who doesn't see her Dad or his family, at one point her Gran and two Aunties were seeing her, as they'd found proof that ExH had made no attempt to see DD (mediators letters that he'd ignored, CMS debt letters, texts and emails from me that he'd ignored) were disgusted and told me they wanted to see DD regardless of what ExH was upto. I was hesitant but decided to give them a second chance as it seemed they were realising what an epic bullshitter their son/brother was/is.

It lasted 8 weeks. One day they simply stopped replying to my texts and emails. That was last October. I have no idea why they changed their minds again. I've still not heard from ExH either.

So if you're going to do it, then please, be actually committed to the children. Don't muck them about Luckily DD is a baby (16MO) and won't remember them but I remember them turning their backs on her twice and it fucking hurts.

Tricky but imo depends on how well you know your brother and how much you value your relationship.

I would find it very hard to comprehend how a dad to young children could just drop out of their lives, no matter how bad the relationship with his ex, so that for me would be a huge issue. Your DM has made it plain where her loyalties lie. You need to tread very carefully so I can see why DP is advising you to step back.

Did you get on well with SIL before they split, is she sad that she is losing her extended family? She may not even wish you to keep in contact.

I've always maintained a relationship with my ex husband's family. If I didn't then my children would never see them and I think it is important that they do. I don't care what my ex thinks x

Ring the ex and ask if its OK to pop in for a coffee as you'd like to see them and the kids. I think it would be weird not to.

The ex is happy for me to see them whenever i want. We're not close as we don't live near each other but i send gifts for the children and we exchange the odd text and fb messages

It's just my sibling keeps saying they'll try and see the children soon each time i ask. I've asked is there anything preventing contact and they said no. This is what i don't get and what worries me. It's like they are apathetic and are making no effort. I've also asked if they mind if i visit the children but they don't answer the question and just blank me. I've even offered to mediate if they and the ex are finding it difficult to communicate but again they just say they'll sort it themselves. But never do. It's just excuses from what I can see.

So my dilemma is, if i go and visit the ex and children, it'll look like i've gone behind my siblings back and if i don't see them well then that's it really

I would probably tell him very calmly that you are not going to try and influence him and are not taking sides but you plan on keeping in contact with the children, by necessity because of their age that means involvement with their mother.

If he is unhappy for you to have an independent relationshipwith your nephews and to some degree his ex then that is for him to work out - but he might drag your DM into it.