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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think I've lost him

19 replies

Goodluck19 · 05/06/2017 00:59

Basically left my last job due to stress ( Starting new job in a few weeks ) Have been having a few meltdowns since I left my last job as memories keep coming back to me .
Had a meltdown this morning and my partner just totally lost it with me and got so angry . I think I've blown it as he was so angry and the situation was so bad that I think he may be going to break up with me . Not staying there tonight and we are talking tomorrow evening on the phone If he splits up with me I would be absolutely devastated We have been together for nearly 2 years Since I left the job, I've had a few sessions of counselling but I've actually then found that I was worse those evenings as I'd talked about it that day and memories/ feelings surfaced
Despairing with myself that I could have been so stupid to let it come into my home life and let it affect my relationship . I've been so foolish and can't believe I've let it get so bad :-(

OP posts:

MarcelineTheVampire · 05/06/2017 01:17

Why did he 'lose it with you'? What do you mean 'lost it with you' (shouting/physical)?is he like this usually or is this a one off?

You sound like you need support OP not someone who is going to shout at you and make you feel shit - tbh he sounds like a douchebag and you are better off without him if he treats you like this.

Original poster

Goodluck19 · 05/06/2017 01:36

Thanks Marceline ....yes he got angry and was shouting at me
But to be honest I can understand that it must be difficult to be the partner of someone who is getting really anxious . I'm just so annoyed at myself for letting the job get to me so much and letting it spill over into homelife

OP posts:

Whatthefuckis1tnow · 05/06/2017 01:48

It sounds like you need some support not shouting at.
He shouldn't have lost it with you, what is so bad that it has warranted his reaction?
Hope you are ok? Don't worry.
If he reacts this bad when you clearly need support then he's not worth the worry. Partners are meant to help not add to your stress.

peaceout · 05/06/2017 01:54

he should support and help you Goodluck, not kick you when you're down

MistySparrow · 05/06/2017 01:59

Being shouted at was the last thing you need

flamingnoravera · 05/06/2017 09:53

What do you do when you have a meltdown? How does it come out?

Cloudyapples · 05/06/2017 10:07

I'm on the other side of a relationship like this op, supporting a dp with anxiety after a stressful job situation.

Without going into too much detail, I've had a few meltdowns because I myself have been dealing with some tough things but, due to dp's situation, haven't always talked to him about them as I don't want to put more stress on him. The result being a meltdown which actually puts more pressure on him than if I'd just talked to him in the first place.

Could it be that your dp is having a tough time himself and just is struggling to tell you how he is feeling?

MatildaTheCat · 05/06/2017 10:13

Get help for your anxiety. Meltdowns are ok but not over and over without seeking solutions and working at it.

He may feel completely at a loss with you and unable to cope. As usual the answer here is to talk honestly and listen to him. Sounds as if he's been supportive but just reached his own tipping point.

I would send him a message apologising for your part in the row and suggest some cooling off time followed by a proper talk in a neutral place.

I don't think you've lost him yet but you are in danger. Good luck.

juneau · 05/06/2017 10:15

If he breaks up with you because he can't handle your anxiety then maybe, in the long run, it's the right thing. Not everyone can cope with life with an anxious partner. He was wrong to shout at you, but perhaps this is just a sign that you two aren't right together.

LiveLongAndProspero · 05/06/2017 10:15

What does meltdown mean in this context? Were you shouting at him? How do you treat him

HeavenlyEyes · 05/06/2017 10:17

Sorry but he sounds most unpleasant and I would venture that you would be better off without him if he treats you this appallingly.

Eatingcheeseontoast · 05/06/2017 10:17

I'm on the other side of this too. And I've lost it a few times with my depressed anxious partner as its really hard work living with him like this.

Are you getting help from your GP and seeing friends and doing things like exercise, avoiding alcohol and eating well? All those are things that can help.

I feel sometimes my partner is so absorbed in his own pain that he can't see when I need a break - and sometimes that's all I need - an afternoon or evening off from it to recharge my batteries.

Make sure you get some proper help and good luck - it must be really tough on both of you.

LiveLongAndProspero · 05/06/2017 10:21

How does he sound unpleasant when we have no idea of the OP's behaviour?
Lets not do the "he's a bastard she's a saint" thing purely because OP is a woman? It's so tiresome.

Original poster

Goodluck19 · 05/06/2017 13:24

Yes, I think he is finding it difficult When bad memories arise , I get really distressed and sometimes am crying / have a raised voice when I'm verbalising what I'm thinking about ,although not actually shouting AT him but obviously it's difficult for him
I am hoping in time memories will get more distant . I wish first of all that things didn't keep coming back to me and also really wish that I didn't feel the need to verbalise/ talk about them .
Counselling just brought things to the surface so I'm at a bit of a loss as to what to try Feeling really frustrated with myself

OP posts:

Onetoomanycats · 05/06/2017 13:42

In my experience hoping memories will get more distant didn't help, they were still there and affecting me on a day to day basis.

I found counselling very difficult but eventually in the end it did help me work through my feelings. It may be worth another try if you need to verbalise/talk things through?

Hopefully after not seeing each other tonight you will have both had time to think and will be able to sit down and have an honest talk about where things go from here.

HildaOg · 05/06/2017 14:07

If you're going to have a meltdown, do it alone, there's no reason to go crazy in front of him but if you do then you have to accept that there's no way for him to respond to get you to stop so he'll probably get angry and frustrated instead. Keep doing it in front of him and it's only a matter of time before he dumps you. Just because you're feeling something doesn't mean you need to share it with everyone around you. You have to take control rather than allowing your emotions to control you.

Forget counselling. You need cbt or hypnosis... If you're constantly thinking about things from the past and getting so distressed and disturbed by them then continually going over them again and again and again is only going to make it much worse. Your life will be dominated by them because they will be constantly swirling around your head.

Original poster

Goodluck19 · 05/06/2017 14:26

Thanks onetoomany and Hilda That is really good advice

OP posts:

weeblueberry · 05/06/2017 14:36

When I'm feeling very bad with my anxiety and it's bordering on depression I get so frustrated with my partner. I'll cry and get upset and get angry and when he gets angry back all I can think is 'why doesn't he understand/why doesn't he realise getting angry himself is the last thing I need'. But, frankly, when I'm feeling more rational I realise that you can only deal with that for so long. I get the 'you need someone who understands and doesn't shout' answers but sometimes a person just breaks. It's not fair to think they can be saints every single time.

You need to have a discussion with him when you're feeling better. A lot of your fears are likely the anxiety talking and aren't rooted in reality.

Zena1973 · 05/06/2017 16:01

CBT IS a form of counselling it's a very useful form of therapy. It may be that the counselling therapy you have experienced is not for you hence why you feel worse right now. It sounds like you may be experiencing ptsd associated with your bad experiences within your previous working role this may also be a link to the anxiety you say you are suffering from. you clearly feel much anger about what you have experienced hence the need to shout/cry but are expressing that anger in the wrong environment. Counselling sessions are there for you to shout scream cry rage as much as you feel you need to in a safe and confidential environment without judgment. Think about the things you want to work on right now that are the most important to you. You cannot tackle everything at once. seek out a professional qualified counsellor in cbt therapy or humanistic therapy and ensure they are bacp accredited! This shows they are qualified and work within an ethical framework. You'd surprised how many so called counsellors out there are not qualified at all. Good luck.

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