Panic attack in a quiet train carriage (long)

[Otismakessix]

My 17 year old autistic child (relevant) was travelling on a train from York to London yesterday morning. DS had missed an earlier train which his friends were on (day out to Camden Market with planned) but he was determined to go anyway. He doesn't usually travel to somewhere new unaccompanied by they were waiting for him at Kings Cross.

Sensibly DS had noise cancelling headphones as he suffers from sensory problems. He also had a sketch book to distract himself.

Now here is the thing.

DS is a punk. He is tiny, 5' 2" and a size 26 waist I mention this so I don't drip feed. He has a small red Mohawk and was wearing long lace up boots, combat trousers and a patch jacket. He has lots of piercings but he still looks about twelve without makeup because he is really petite. He is also trans but hasn't yet begun hormones ( I mention this because I think it is relevant).

DS began to have a panic attack. He suffers from anxiety especially if plans change, and of course he had missed the earlier train and was now on his own. DS was sitting in the quiet carriage because the noise in the normal carriages can be overwhelming.

DS said he began to hyperventilate and he was tapping his hand on his leg as he tried to regain control. He also muttered to himself to "get a grip".

With this a woman in her late 40s (my age) tapped him on the shoulder and said "Excuse me, this is the quiet carriage, can you do that somewhere else?. My DS, in shock, replied that it wasn't the best time to tell him to move and burst into tears. With that, she turned away and actively put her back to DS for the rest of the journey.

AIBU to expect this woman to have a little patience and compassion? DS had been panicking for only a minute. It would be clear to anyone around that DS was having an anxiety attack. He looks young for his age despite the punk gear and at that moment certainly wouldn't have looked threatening.

AIBU to ask that if you aren't going to help someone who is clearly distressed you could at least give the person the time and space to compose themselves.

I am also very annoyed that she tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. Touching him would have distressed him even more.

Do you think that his attire and the fact that his gender can be construed as ambiguous at the moment may have contributed to her attitude?

DS is used to people pointing and gawping when he walks by. We have had long discussions over the years and DS is adamant that it doesn't bother him, and he is happier expressing himself this way. He loves the music and the clothing and is very aware of any negative connotations associated with them. DS is extremely bright, creative and intelligent and struggles daily having an ASD but he is the least judgemental person I know.

I was bought up to consider other people's feelings. Is this attitude old fashioned and largely irrelevant?

I

YABU, she doesn't know his background in the way you don't know hers.

She may also have sought refuge in the quiet carriage for certain reasons and find the tapping and muttering very unnerving or upsetting. As an example if she is nervous traveller or on her way to something unpleasant, she may have been trying to do some mindfulness techniques which your DS was disrupting.

I don't think that his appearance had anything to do with it. I think realistically the punk look and its values could be construed as quite unapproachable and so she would have actively avoided him if it was an appearance motivated decision.

I think yabu and reading far too much into this.

Consider a different view...I was sitting in the quiet carriage, it had been a difficult day. Then the young person sitting next to me, with headphones on, starts tapping their leg and seemed to be singing along to their music. I tapped their shoulder to get their attention and reminded them they were in the quiet carriage. Next thing I know they're crying and yelling at me! I give up and left them to it for the rest of the journey.

I can understand your tiger-mom reaction, but I think to blame the woman and basically call her a selfish bigot is just plain wrong.

OP firstly as the mum of a child with autism I want to say how well your DS handled the situation, you should be really proud, secondly as the wife of a man who suffers panic attacks I want to say how well your DS handled the situation, you should be really proud.

Unfortunately you do get dicks who like to assert how important they are, and she may well have gone home pleased as pie about telling off that "punk kid".
( how many mumsnettters would be just revelling in the fact they got to tell off a young man who was disturbing their sacred quiet carriage, oooh they showed him!!)

Or, she may well have just been having a bad day, and not picked up on the 'cues' that DS was uncomfortable interacting with her, I know that doesn't help how the situation went, but it may help you put it behind you a bit, because I know it's bloody annoying if she was just being a dick, but honestly, giving her headspace is just a waste of energy.

With 'invisible', She may just have thought that he was listening to loud music and tapping, without realising what was actually happening to him?

First up I think your son did amazingly to get himself together.

I have to say I think I like your ds's style too!! Funky hair and piercings- he's me 20 yrs ago

As far as the other woman goes. Given he was talking and muttering and had head phones it's likely she thought he was singing along to music. Hence the talking on the shoulder as she probabky didn't think he would hear her.

I wouldn't know what a panic attack looked like nor would I have been able to tell about his asd either.

OP, I'm 50 (so a bit older than the woman involved) but punk was in my era and people dressed as punk for a reason. Whether it was to show their solidarity with punk bands (yes the spitting, the swearing etc) , the 'belonging' or simply the shock value.

So, if I saw someone with a mohawk , long boots (I'm guessing Doc Martens whih were the weapon of choice to cave someones face in) the piercings................ well , I wouldn't be thinking "Oh isn't he diddy and oh look he must be 13 or so", I'd be "Whoah, step back"

Then add to the It wasn't the best time to tell him to move........

D'you see it from her side? He might come across as a threat?
Yes he can dress how the Hell he likes but .... huge BUT.... with that comes the flipside of the coin that people judge.

YABU because you assume this woman knew..knew he was autistic,knew he was having a panic attack,knew he was anxious,knew he was wearing noise cancelling headphones,knew he doesn't like to be touched. She more than likely didn't. What are obvious signs to you,would mean nothing to her.
She was actually quite polite,and by her words sounds like she thought he was listening to music and tapping/muttering to it.

Yes,she could've tried to comfort him,but she was probably thrown off by him crying and didn't want to embarrass him further/leave him alone as it "wasn't a good time".

Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply. I am genuinely interested in everyone's point of view.

We originally came from a large city where DS blended in better than he does now (we live in a seaside town). This is why I was asking about the whole punk look, gender thing. I am proud of how DS stands by his identity but know not everyone can relate to how he looks. Whilst I didn't automatically assume it was anything to do with that, I just wondered really...

We do live our lives in an autism bubble ( his younger brother has it too) and I agree that this gives me a different view of the world. It's good to look at things with a fresh pair of eyes. I knew you lovely Mumsnetters would help me out with this. Thank you for the helpful practical suggestions, too.

I love my son and support him and who he is. He is amazing and very very strong. Thank you to everyone that said how well he coped. I will pass this on to him as I know it will mean a lot to him.

I now see that yes I was over thinking the situation; comes with being the Mom of an autistic punk rocker trans teen, I think!!!. In the past there has been more to worry about than I would have liked (he was physically assaulted at secondary school), but I will take on board the replies. He is seventeen after all...