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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

15 year old dd being asked "But did you lead him on?"

46 replies

DianaMitford · 04/06/2017 11:15

I mean - WTAF?!?

My brother and his gf are staying with us this weekend (leaving shortly) and last night over dinner I told the story of a waiter flirting with my dd - completely unwanted attention. This happened abroad and it was told as a lighthearted story.

Gf then says to dd "But did you lead him on?" ?!? What a bloody awful thing to think/say! I was outraged at the time and I still am now, really. I pulled her up on it immediately (and politely) but dd can't un-hear what was said. And dd didn't really understand the concept totally (no bf as of yet).

I'm probably letting this get to me too much but - AIBU??

OP posts:
Queenofthestress · 04/06/2017 11:16

No, no you are not
She's 15 fgs, who on earth says that to a 15 year old!

NavyandWhite · 04/06/2017 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DearMrDilkington · 04/06/2017 11:20

That's a disgraceful comment to say to anyone of any age or sex.

Victim blaming at its finest.

corythatwas · 04/06/2017 11:21

To be frank, when I was that age, we did deliberately go in for flirting with waiters. Not uncommon among teenage girls. And I know that several of my friends made deliberate attempts to lose their virginity on holiday at that age. Unless they have changed a lot since my day, waiters are probably very used to young teen girls coming on to them.

Of course absolutely no excuse for unwanted attention and you may want to give a few handy tips on how to quell that. If you do travel abroad though, it might be worth informing your dd that 15 is the age of consent in many European countries and she would not necessarily be considered an innocent out-of-bounds child just because she is in the UK. But that she has always got the right to tell someone to back off.

CountryCaterpillar · 04/06/2017 11:24

She can legally have a baby at 16, I think assuming complete innocence at 15 is a big leap.

However I wouldn't be happy with the comment.

Jupitar · 04/06/2017 11:27

She can legally have a baby at 16, I think assuming complete innocence at 15 is a big leap.
Seriously??? So having a baby at 15 is illegal is it?

Emma1609 · 04/06/2017 11:30

It is a weird comment to make - does she say other weird stuff too?!

AintNobodyHereButUsKittens · 04/06/2017 11:30

Well, having sex with a 15 year old is illegal, and I'm pretty sure that IVF would be as well so having a baby is certainly evidence of illegal activity in the U.K.

CountryCaterpillar · 04/06/2017 11:31

I meant legally have sex, I'm sure many 15 year olds are quite capable of flirting with waiters as many would be sexual active. I mean the difference between respobsivility for a baby at 16 and worrying about flirting at 15 seems huge. Does the op think she'll suddenly turn into a sexual being overnight on her 16th birthday.

Apologies for the poor wording, Jupitar.

CountryCaterpillar · 04/06/2017 11:33

Thanks Ain't that's what I meant!

Id understand a "were you flirting too?" jokey comment over a "leading him on" comment as I'm not keen on girls being considered responsible for "leading on."

AgentCooper · 04/06/2017 11:34

That is a completely shit thing to say to someone regardless of age. The GF sounds like a prick and an idiot, to be honest.

Flirting with waiters on a girls' holiday is one thing and yes, loads of us have done it, but no 15 year old girl would do it with her parents at the table. If I were you I'd just really emphasise to your DD that only a stupid person would ask that question.

BoraThirch · 04/06/2017 11:35

Surely its irrelevant whether the 15 year old in question is "innocent" or not? The point is a woman complains about unwanted attention/sexual advances and the first comment is "but was it your fault?".

TheSmallClangerWhistlesAgain · 04/06/2017 11:36

It sounds like she was having dinner with her mum and dad. Of course she wasn't flirting.

corythatwas · 04/06/2017 11:38

Bora makes a very valid point. It's about unwanted male attention. And that would still be the case if she was 16 or 18. I wouldn't be happy either.

Brogadoccio · 04/06/2017 11:47

Who'd flirt with their parents right there?

But YANBU OP. Terrible comment. Man gives unwanted attention to a child and child's relative basically says but was it your fault.. Wow.

hmcAsWas · 04/06/2017 11:51

You did right to pull her up on that comment. Am curious - what did you say and how did she respond?

CaptainBraandPants · 04/06/2017 11:52

Oh, FFS! What if she was flirting with him?
If he gave her unwanted attention, then it is just that, unwanted and asking if she led him on is victim blaming.

Trills · 04/06/2017 11:52

Id understand a "were you flirting too?" jokey comment over a "leading him on" comment

I agree.

Flirting is a thing she may have been doing.

"Leading someone on" has nastier connotations.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/06/2017 11:53

Well I flirted when I was 15 for sure. The issue here isn't that the waiter flirted with the 15 year old girl it's whether he carried on when he could see that it was unwanted - or whether he continued.

I would have taken this as a 'were you flirting too?' and don't see this as the massive deal that some posters do because it's important that people learn to deal with this effectively without letting every throwaway comment impact on their lives so badly.

Jupitar · 04/06/2017 11:55

But why is there an assumption that anyone anyone let alone a 15 year old must have been leading the waiter on? An entertainment guy was messing around with the kids when we were on holiday he then asked me how old my daughter was I replied 14 he looked shocked and said if only she was 13 years older and I laughed, and she had no makeup on and wasnt leading him on anymore than the 12 year old boys were. It's understandable that he fancied her she's a good looking girl, doesn't mean she was leading him on.

TreeTop7 · 04/06/2017 11:58

Leading someone on isn't the same as flirting. It has negative connotations. Unacceptable query, whether the person is 15 or 55.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 04/06/2017 11:58

But so what if she was leading him on/flirting with him? (means the same in my book). It's not a big deal, surely?

hmcAsWas · 04/06/2017 12:03

"An entertainment guy was messing around with the kids when we were on holiday he then asked me how old my daughter was I replied 14 he looked shocked and said if only she was 13 years older"

God what a creep! My dd is 15 and if someone - who was clearly quite a bid older (as this entertainment guy must have been hence his remark about wishing she was 13 years older) said this to me regarding her, they would get a very stern look in response. Its not flattering at all - it makes my skin crawl

GabsAlot · 04/06/2017 12:04

what is wrong with her

she wa sitting eating a meal with family and the only thing to say is but did u lead him on?

BoraThirch · 04/06/2017 12:08

Because the implication is "its your fault". How are men supposed to know what to do when girls and women are asking for it all the time? Were you flirting, were you drunk, was your skirt short?
Unwanted attention from an adult man - but did you lead him on?
Catcalled in the street - but did you lead him on?
Sexually harassed by your boss - but did you lead him on?

What a shit message society gives girls - and boys - right from the start.

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