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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wonder if there's any hope for real happiness after leaving your kids' dad?

25 replies

montgomerie11 · 04/06/2017 10:47

i didn't have great experiences in a blended family myself so I'm partly biased.

But AIBU to think it's incredibly difficult to get it right once you've got it wrong?

Either you don't date and you're a Martyr to your kids and not setting a good example for loving relationships.

Or you do and you're exposing them to boyfriends and step dads and it's all confusing for them as it's not their real family.

Plus not every man wants a woman with kids.

AIBU ?

OP posts:

bigchris · 04/06/2017 10:49

Well yes yabu

Plenty of people end up happily with a new partner

Original poster

montgomerie11 · 04/06/2017 10:50

Yes are the kids happy though as that's just as important if not more so

OP posts:

LedaP · 04/06/2017 10:52

Yabu.

Many people have happy relationships after a break up. Even with kids.

I dont get your post tbh. Its not a choice of not dating or introducing your kids to a parade of new partners.

I get dating is difficult if the childs father isnt in the picture and you have no support and/or cant pay for babysitters. But thats not the case for most single parents. Most of us have someone or have lunch dates while kids at school etc.

Many choose not to date for a while thats fine too.

Original poster

montgomerie11 · 04/06/2017 10:53

Yes. But once it's serious your kids have to accept him

OP posts:

gamerchick · 04/06/2017 10:54

Well I did. At 34 and with 3 kids. My kids are very happy with him. Their bio dad isn't very good at it.

Ellisandra · 04/06/2017 10:54

Well, you're right that it's difficult.

I don't think boyfriends are a confusing thing at all though. It's only a few short years until a child is 5 - even if you split up pregnant! - and by 5 my child certainly understood what a boyfriend was. Not a new daddy. Not necessarily forever. Just someone Mummy liked and was dating but she might change her mind.

My child rather likes that she's gained 3 stepsisters from remarriage on either side. And her teacher had to suggest to her when she made a Mother's Day card for her stepmother, that perhaps she might like to quickly make a second for her actual mother?

Take things slowly.
Don't over expose new partners.
Delay living together again if it's not right for children.
Be honest with kids - confusion comes when they're left to make their own assumptions, or are lied to.

There are loads of successful blended families - but it takes thought.

gamerchick · 04/06/2017 10:56

Yes. But once it's serious your kids have to accept him

No, if the kids don't take to him it's a none starter or it stays seperate from family life.

boolifooli · 04/06/2017 10:58

It's like anything. Take your time, be fussy. Made a very happy blended family even with a SN and MH thrown in.

Original poster

montgomerie11 · 04/06/2017 11:00

I don't know I think sometimes parents and kids can have different ideas about happy.

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 04/06/2017 11:01

Your kids have to accept that you're having a relationship, yes.
But I'm a believer in not living together unless children are happy with it.
My fiancé and I have delayed him moving in for 2 years, as we believe that his 16yo will not benefit from instant-stepmum.
Even when he moves in, we'll keep his house on for her uni years so that she isn't spending holidays living in a stranger's house.
She's lovely, she likes me, willingly goes on holiday with us, is a 'good girl' so would accept if she was told we were moving in together. But we think it's better this way.
I'm glad that my younger child is very excited about living together and adores her stepdad, because yes - it's easier to make the decision for 2 years than 8.
None of this is stopping my fiancé and I having a very happy relationship right now.

PenSylvester · 04/06/2017 11:01

I think my DD is happier now that I'm no longer with her DF, considering he was physically and emotionally abusive towards me and I was miserable and tense all the time. She loves my DP and he loves her as if she was his own, and the house has a much happier atmosphere. DP and I never argue, and we are a proper family unit now.

Categoric · 04/06/2017 11:01

My parents are divorced and I have had several step parents. I hated my step father as a teenager, he was a self absorbed pig who treated my DM really badly and she excused all his behaviour. They broke up when the scales fell from her eyes and now she is married to a lovely man. So yes it is possible. My DF is on his 6th and I have never liked any of them ( nor him really). Pick carefully and you'll be fine.

sweetbitter · 04/06/2017 11:02

I think if you can remain on reasonably good terms with your ex and support each other as separated co parents, that's half the battle.

chickenjalfrezi · 04/06/2017 11:03

I always disagree with the advice to wait 'at least a year' before introducing someone to your children. As an adult you can easily get too attached to someone in that time and then if your kids don't like them or it's a big deal to introduce them they can pick up on it and there is pressure all around.

There's nothing wrong with introducing children early to someone and keeping things high level and light to see how they are in each other's company.

CodenameDuchess09 · 04/06/2017 11:05

I split with my kids dad in 2011 when my DS was only 9 months DD was 2 years old. I was single for a year then met someone. Nearly 5 years later we are engaged, getting married in a few years and looking to have a child together. My 2 couldn't be happier, they love my partner and he loves them.

I thought I wouldn't meet anyone after my kids dad, who wants a single mum? I met the love of my life and couldn't be happier. So don't give up on love.

Mooey89 · 04/06/2017 11:05

I left my violent ex when DS was 6MO.

He is now 4. We have just bought a house with dP, having lived together for a year.

We are so, so happy. DS absolutely adores his step daddy, he is incredible with him and they have such a lovely, lovely bond.
He has step grandparents who he adores and who adore him.

He also sees his paternal grandparents weekly at least, and sees his dad every week too, in a safe and measured way.

He, and I, are so, so much happier and safer than if we have stayed with my ExH.

YABVVVU

NameChanger22 · 04/06/2017 11:08

Your post has annoyed me OP.

I don't date, I haven't for years, but I'm not a martyr and I'm not setting a bad example for loving relationships. I have plenty of loving relationships with great friends.

I think I'm setting a very good example that women can be independent, strong and happy without the need for a partner. I think women are brainwashed to believe their main purpose is to be attached to someone else. I was rarely happy in relationships, it suits me and my family that I'm single.

If women want to go on to other relationships they should be very picky.

Original poster

montgomerie11 · 04/06/2017 11:08

It shouldn't have annoyed you as I actually sympathise with you, but these are the things I have read

OP posts:

Laiste · 04/06/2017 11:12

once it's serious your kids have to accept him

Well hopefully some thought will have gone into how happy they will be/how they get on before it's written in stone.

Nothing automatically wonderful about a 'bio' dad anyway. My xH was crap with the kids.

lalalalyra · 04/06/2017 11:17

I think it's difficult to get right even if you didn't get it wrong before. Family life is hard. I think it mostly goes wrong when people expect it to be easy. Bringing someone into your life isn't easy, and bringing someone into your child's home certainly isn't.

Personally I think a lot of people with children move in together too soon. I had my twin girls and DH had DS1 when we met and had it been just us we'd have moved in together a good year before we did. It was important to go at the children's pace. You don't have to be a martyr to do that.

Now it works for us. My girls are out for the day with DH's MIL (his first wife died). They have a large extended family and are much, much happier. It works, but it hasn't been easy for DH and I.

Chasingsquirrels · 04/06/2017 11:19

I thought that my kids viewed my recently deceased DH as "some bloke who mum brought home, who isn't any trouble" - ds1 said a few years ago when asked what he thought of (then) DP "he's no trouble is he".
I didn't just "bring him home", I gradually introduced them, and he integrated into our lives. He moved in about a year after meeting them. I never thought about what I'd do if they didn't get on, luckily that didn't happen - he was a lovely man and there was never any conflict between them.

What I'd not realised was the depth of the relationship between them, ds1 said shortly after his death when we were discussing family relationships and "names" that DH wasn't really a step dad (I was asking as I'd never heard ds's call him stepdad, just "name") he was more of a dad. That took my breath away and I wish DH had known how they felt - maybe he did and it was just me! I also don't know how DH really felt about them, but it was more than just acceptance of them being around because they were my kids. He cared about them, maybe he loved them too, it certainly felt like he did.

Ds2 when talking about our wedding, which took place after we'd been living together for nearly 4 years calls it "our wedding" as in our family wedding, not mine and DH's.

I was very lucky to find what I had with DH. I'm sure there are many other blended families who are equally lucky - but you don't go about shouting about it, most of the posts you read are when there are difficulties.

Chasingsquirrels · 04/06/2017 11:25

I think before it happened, before I got together with DH, my thoughts were that bringing someone else into my children's life would be hard, in fact it was actually one of the easiest things in my life, it just worked - for all of us.
I'm not sure why that is, ds1 certainly isn't 100% happy in his relationship with his dad's new partner - who has been in his life longer than DH was.

NameChanger22 · 04/06/2017 11:26

You don't need to sympathise with me at all, we have a very happy life.

My sympathy is for people stuck in horrible relationships or for those people that think they need a man to be happy. I read about this all the time on here and I also see my friends with unkind, selfish partners, too scared to be on their own.

Your viewpoint annoyed me because I see the way women are manipulated into thinking the way you do. I think it's hard for people to think differently about relationships and their purpose.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 04/06/2017 11:27

I'd agree OP. It takes a very rare person to make a blended family complete and for there to be no difference between their own children and their partners children.

From my experience of blended families, I'd rather stay single than put my children through it should I ever be in that situation.

Too many feel the need to have a man, think the relationship is only valid if you have his child and the children just have to put up with it.

Temporaryanonymity · 04/06/2017 11:38

I am pretty much a lone parent. My sons see their father once a month, more often in the school holidays. I have had two relationships since I got divorced. Both men were accepting of my sons to a point but neither of them would have been happy to move in and take the responsibilty of being a stepfather, for different reasons.

The first man had no children and didn't really get it. He thought he could playfight and have fun with them and then just expect them to go off to bed when it suited him. The second had children and got it but neither of us saw a blended family future.

I still see them both, they are good people and whilst my sons are still young I can't imagine moving anyone in. I like living alone and enjoy adult company when my sons are away. maybe when they are older I.may feel differently, i dont know.

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