Feel trapped and lonely

[Whatislife123]

Hi all. This is my first post so be kind. Bit of background. Both parents hit and beated myself and siblings on a regular basis. Father verbally and physically abused mum. In all this mayham and chaos i genuinely had some good times like going to grandparents and going for outings as a family. Strangely i have always felt my parents love me and never actually let the beatings get to me.

Fast forward some years i am now married to a man that doesn't think twice about shouting swearing at me. Occasionally has hit me but no beatings. For a long time i thought this was ok as i believed he loved me but now the penny has dropped ,thanks to mumsnet, and i have come to the conclusion that this relationship is toxic. I feel trapped and have no one to talk to. To complicate things i am pregnant

Sorry for what you've been through - and are still going through. Clearly your experiences have skewed your thinking - are you saying it's ok because he only hit you, not beat you? ANY violence against you is wrong on every level.
Your relationship is some considerable degree more than just toxic.
I hope you find the help you need.

24-hour National Domestic Violence
Freephone Helpline
0808 2000 247
Ring them. Just to start a conversation. Talk about your worries. Take it step by step. Don't be afraid to change your life. It's so much better to live without eggshells, believe me. Coming from someone who waited too long and it's been so much harder for the children to adjust.

I feel angry at my parents for not giving me a normal and secure childhood. I learnt nothing from them on how to be in a loving relationship. I have anger issues. Self esteem problems and all boudaries of what is acceptable have gone out of the window. Feel weak and stupid for not ending this toxic relationship earlier.

I am so sorry to hear this. I've always believed that most people 'fall' for a partner that reminds them of one of their parents (the one they favor the most). It's the only association to love they know. You're not weak or stupid. Millions of people have the same automated response.
If I was in your situation I would get a divorce and - if this does not sound too bad to say, get an abortion (sorry, please don't take it the wrong way!). You need to get out of it before it gets worse. Get your life back. Take some courses in subjects that really interest you, keep learning, see new things. The whole world is out there for you to experience and find the joy and love you deserve.

Thank you all. Looking at me you would think I am ok. I take care if my appearance, skin, hair, not shy about vocalizing my views, been to uni, competitive but behind closed doors i am getting called bitch and a slag. I hate leading this double life

Call Women's Aid and speak to your midwife. You can escape this and have a good life with your baby.

It's essential to get support and plan before you leave if at all possible. If you ever, ever feel threatened, call the police. That includes verbal abuse. Abuse always escalates and often in pregnancy so keep safe and get yourself free.

Good luck.