Buying gifts when non-contact

[whateveryousay]

More of a WWYD, as I'm keen to avoid Being Unreasonable.

For reasons that are not relevant here, I've recently decided to go No Contact with my parents and sister. I've not made any drama or big statements about it to them, I'm just going to ignore any contact from them from now on, until they get the message. As this is a fairly recent decision, they probably haven't even realised yet, as contact is low anyway.

My sister has two daughters, ages 3 and 4, who I obviously have no issue with. The 4 year old has a birthday coming up soon, and my question is, do I send a gift, or not?

If I send a gift, I'm perhaps just prolonging contact? To be clear, I have no issue, financially or morally with giving my neice a gift, other than this being 'contact' with that side of the family, and I am very sure I want/need a clean break for the sake of myself and my own kids.

I don't want to be 'mean' to an innocent child though.

WWYD?

I thinks its weird to send a gift when no contact tbh.

These girls won't ( I assume) have any contact with you as your no contact with the mum so imo it's pointless for them to receive a gift from aunt whateveryousay when they will not see/know you

No I wouldn't send a gift

You going no contact is going to make a difference to how your Nieces view you and her Cousins, so that's done.

If you want to be NC then that means no gifts, LC means still gifts to the children and possible Cousin contact.

As someone who is no contact with my family, do let them know rather than just ignoring them.

I emailed and then ignored all replies from them.

I think that if you're going to cut contact completely, then it's probably better not to send a gift and to do it now while the DC are young enough not to miss you as they get older (you say contact is low, so I'm assuming you don't play a huge role in their lives).

However, having said that, I think you need to be prepared for your parents and sister to be contacting you for explanations of why you didn't send a gift and that you'll either have to work very hard to ignore them or have some kind of final conversation with them.

Depends why you went no contact, really. If they're totally horrible stay away make life easier. If they're just hard work I don't probably keep going with gifts some contact with nieces if you can handle it

Don't let meanness worry you either. The four year old will get plenty of gifts anyway

I don't think you can expect to have a relationship with your nieces if you don't want one with their mother. Don't send the gift.

They don't approve of your relationship with someone? It's difficult to know how to advise when the context of the no contact is not known.

You're anon here so why not say. But generally if you're nc, that means no contact of any kind. You're actually encouraging contact if you give gifts.

If you want a relationship with your nieces or just want to show you care for them, then a low contact status will work. You may have to deal at least a little with your sister if you go that route because you can't expect to have contact (give gifts) with your nieces without their mother's consent, involvement etc.

If you are serious about ending contact for good then you need to stop gifts. Otherwise this will be a touch point for all kinds of guilt trips and manipulation, and the children will get hurt.

E.g. you may find yourself in receipt of gifts and cards from the children in their wobbly handwriting, which I can tell you from experience is enough to ruin the best birthday.

However, if this feels like a step too far, maybe revisit the low contact option.

Without knowing the full details, unless there's a v good reason I agree with previous posters that you need to tell your family you want no contact.
I see your dilemma but I don't see how you can realistically have a relationship with or send gifts and cards to your nieces/nephews and ignore the others.

Defiitely no gifts.

I never understood why people send gifts to children of people that are abusive to them.

Nothing against the kids themselves, but I wouldn't give the abusers the satisfaction, and also kids won't notice anyway, especially when they're as young as 3 and 4.

No contact means no contact.

Thank you all for your replies.

No gifts it is then.

Do you think your sister will appreciate you sending gifts to her children while refusing to have anything to do with her?

If she has mistreated you, I understand your nc but you can't then send gifts to her children. It would be sending mixed messages i.e. I want nothing to do with you but I still want your children to think well of me.

We went nc with my dh's family for a very good reason having to do directly with our son and they had the gall afterwards to try to send our son cards and gifts to ingratiate themselves to him. That's manipulative.

Your situation is different, low contact may be the answer.

Sorry x post. Good luck op.

It sounds pretty strange to o no contact without telling them why and likely to cause further issues. It would be a good idea to write a brief message explaining that you will be nc so they know.

My DB is NC with me and DM. We both have kids. I know why he is NC and I stand by my decisions and also understand where he is coming from.

I still send gifts and letters to DN as none of this is their fault. I hope that when they are older I will have some contact. But don't hold my breath. From my POV I would have preferred a letter or final conversion saying he wanted NC so that I could come to a place of understanding a bit sooner. But I think I am reasonable and non-abusive.

Personally I'd do no gifts and expect nothing in return for my children. I am going through a similar situation and will not be doing gifts etc any longer.

Just an opinion on the reverse side of ur situation.... my fil went on contact with us the day we told him we were getting married. He told my husband that he was a fool to marry me despite us being together for 7 years with a 6 ur old DS. Going nc with us also meant he went nc with our son (one of his 2 grandsons) Not so much as a card thru the door at xmas or his birthday in the last 2 years. It's hard to explain to him why his grandad is no longer in his life. So I would say think of the children and at least post a card thru the door x

We are LC with the parents of my DC's cousins. Any contact is enforced by the grandparents once every few years! We send the children presents on their birthdays, maybe a phone call if we're around. I think if we went totally NC we would send a card and put what we would have spent aside for their 18th. I never got presents from my uncles and aunts, just a card. We weren't NC with them, although lived abroad so rarely saw them, it just wasn't seen as necessary. Parents and grandparents gave presents.

My ex mother went nc when we split up. For the first 5 years she did sent a card to the children at Christmas and birthdays. But it used to upset them as they didn't understand why she no longer wanted to see them. I started not showing them the cards and she had stopped sending them a couple of years ago. The children never mention her now.

I appreciate hearing the different experiences, thank you.