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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To love my Son but not love being around him

20 replies

user1496429410 · 03/06/2017 14:44

I love my Son more than anything.

But I don't enjoy being around him and don't miss him when he's not with me.

He lives with his Dad and I see him every weekend. I don't miss him in the week.

I look forward to having him at the weekend. I have him for his school holidays and after a week of having him in my house I'm glad that he's going back to his Dad! I feel desperate to go back to my quiet house.

If I'd known what having a child was like I'd never have had one.

I'm not a bad person. I struggled as his main carer for 3 years until I realised I could no longer do it and when my ex asked if he could be resident parent I agreed.

I'm a much much better mum with this arrangement. I actually feel when I have him I'm relaxed, not tired, happy to see him and can devout all my time to him. When I was his main carer I was a stressef, miserable and lonely shadow of the person I am now. I had PTSD and severe PND that only went away once I stopped being his main carer and gave up that responsibility. No amount of therapy or medication made any difference. I needed to not have that main day to day responsibility and stress to recover.

My son is 6 now.

I know I'm practically the only Mum who feels like this. I'm an awful Mum. Shouldn't have ever been a Mum and don't deserve my Son but this is honestly how I feel.

I'm being terribly unreasonable aren't I?

OP posts:

Original poster

user1496429410 · 03/06/2017 14:45

Sorry that's misleading. I do enjoy being around him. But only for a few days. One week is about all I can tak before my mental health suffers.

OP posts:

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 03/06/2017 14:46

No experience but I imagine that there are non resident fathers who feel the same

harderandharder2breathe · 03/06/2017 14:49

Your son is happy and loved by both his parents. That's what matters.

scottishdiem · 03/06/2017 14:57

You are not a bad mum. The societal pressure to have kids and have them with you 24/7 dealing with their every need and feeling a failure when you struggle goes against our own evolution. Family groups have been the main ways that children have been cared for which gives mothers time and space to be away from their children.

This is why mums post on here about them having looked after the kids all day and needing a rest and partners coming home from work to rest are in conflict. In our species we evolved to have helpless babies but they were being born into a group that would care for them.

As long as you know that he is being cared for when not with you and cared for when with you then that is all you need to worry about. Do not feel the guilt that society puts on mothers to love their babies 24/7.

Queenofthestress · 03/06/2017 15:02

If you love him as your child then that's all that matters, you've made sure he's safe, cared for and loved by both parents so what does it matter if you're not the resident parent?

MissionItsPossible · 03/06/2017 15:03

He has got two loving parents. Much more than what most kids have. He's a very lucky child

swingofthings · 03/06/2017 15:04

Many parents feel the same even within a marriage when they can't wait to pass them on to the other one!

PercyPeanuts · 03/06/2017 15:06

You've worked out the best arrangements in your child's best interests. No parent can do more.

Voiceforreason · 03/06/2017 15:19

No you are the best mum! If you only knew how many mums hurt their children, determinedly keeping them to themselves no matter what the sad consequences to those children, purely out of spite, a sense of entitlement or as a meal ticket. You have done a very brave thing. You have been big enough and honest enough to recognise that you cannot give your son all that you know, as his mum, he needs. You have put your child first and that makes you a million times better than many mums I know who house their children but do little else. Your relationship with your son has nothing to do with where he lives or how much time he spends with you. Better by far to have a weekend quality and fun time than 24/7 indifference and being ignored. Hold your head up you are a good mum!

DoubleHelix79 · 03/06/2017 15:24

Don't feel guilty - I suspect a lot of parents feel exactly the same way but don't talk about it openly.
Not quite the same situation as yours, but I have a three month old daughter and while I love her to bits I am also looking forward to going back to work. Not only because I like my job and want to continue building my career, but because I know it will make me a better parent in the time I do spend with her. I don't need to be around her every second, and she'll still be very much loved and well cared for.

Original poster

user1496429410 · 03/06/2017 15:26

Thank you everyone.

I just worry I've abandoned him. He will feel abandoned. Or his dads circumstances will change and he will move away and I won't see him.

I feel like a bad mum. But I don't think I had much choice.

I love the arrangement like it is now. I would have liked to be a mum who loved every minute with their child but I was not

OP posts:

TooGood2BeFalse · 03/06/2017 15:32

Lovely empathic responses. I absolutely agree that your honesty has helped to secure the healthiest arrangement for your son. You still very much take care of him and are a vital part of his life!

It would be so selfish to keep him withe you 24/7 if you cannot keep up wih the daily demands of a 6 year old.Kids are so smart and they know intrinsically when you don't want to play, or want them to go away..

Luckily for your son he gets the best of you because you were brave enough to state your limits. No one knows how hard parenting is until the kids are actually here.

I am separated from STBXH, 2 boys one with SN. They are with me full time as he cannot handle being alone with them for longer than 5 minuses and struggles with the general hustle and bustle of children.

I am exhausted and often run out of steam to be honest. When I start to reach the point where I am overly irritable, and don't enjoy playing with them, I ask my family for help (I am lucky to have a lovely family). It takes guts to admit when you can't cope - but you are prioritising your child's wellbeing above anything.

Ravenblack · 03/06/2017 15:36

YANBU. Not everyone is the lovely fluffy 'obsessed with mah baybees mumzies' that society expects them to be.

Many people love and adore their kiddies, but want to ring their necks some days too LOL.

Also when he is a bit older, you will probably enjoy his company more.

Stop beating yourself up.

TooGood2BeFalse · 03/06/2017 15:37

LOL Raven exactly!

Original poster

user1496429410 · 03/06/2017 16:30

Thank you everyone :-)

OP posts:

Queenofthestress · 03/06/2017 17:02

I actually don't have my little one on weekends, he goes to respite care at my sister's instead of with another family because I struggle with him, you're not alone in this love x

SaorAlbaGuBrath · 03/06/2017 17:06

Your son is happy and loved by both his parents. That's what matters

This! You could have stuck it out and been miserable and made your son miserable but you've found a solution which meets his needs and yours. Our job as parents is to put our kids first, whatever that means and you've done it. Well done!

teaandakitkat · 03/06/2017 17:10

You're a great mum. You made a good decision for your son even though it was really hard. He's lucky to have you.

heron98 · 03/06/2017 17:27

YANBU.

I'm not a parent but I always say I think I'd be a great one if I could get divorced and not have the child full time. It's the everydayness of it all that would get me down.

Notmyrealname85 · 03/06/2017 17:32

You made the right decision - I'd say you were a great mum!

Plus you'll be a mother to your DS forever - ie into his adult years :) you might be absolutely amazing helping him when he's older, maybe the younger child years just aren't your strong point. Doesn't mean you're not a great parent!

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