to regret having a second child?

[GuiltyMum111]

Yes I know how truly awful I sound, I love my children so much but I feel at my wits end.

With my first DC, we had a lovely bond just the two of us, when we went out as a famil we could all dote on him and he would have a lovely day, people would tell me how lucky we were, how polite he was etc. he never had a tantrum and was truly a delight.

We had a second DC 11 months ago and everything has unravelled. We seperated when the baby was 8 months after a series of rows and him picking nights out over staying in with us. I am breastfeeding which I do enjoy but I feel this is a major barrier between me and DC1 and the second I feed he is attention seeking/shouting. I have tried every bottle/cup/syringe and baby will not take any so I have not had longer than an hour or 2 away from the baby.

DC1 has become emotional, angry and clingy and I do understand there has been a lot of change for him but Im finding it really hard. My ex is still very involved and we do co-parent pretty well, there are no arguments and we are quite friendly.

The last few months I feel I cant take any more, the baby doesnt sleep well at night, then my eldest wakes early then the days just seem relentless trying to keep both happy and I am in tears most days in frustration. I feel like I have gone from a carefree happy mum to being a stressed out tearful one. I spend most of the day counting down until bedtime then once they are asleep I feel emotional again because I feel so guilty that Im wishing this time away with them.

In the hour or so I get if they both sleep at a reasonable time I sit and remind myself how lucky I am and vow to try harder tommorow but by 7am the next day theres more tears and strops and I just cant take it.

I'll get slaughtered by some on here but I would stop breastfeeding now. In my experience (18 months and 12 months) my babies just didn't sleep well until I stopped feeding. They'd feed to sleep, then the second they woke they thought they wanted another feed. It was exhausted and nearly ended my life (when I was a hairsbreadth from sleeping as I drove on the motorway to work.)

Another vote here for stopping bf. You've done 11 months ffs! No reason why an 11 month old needs to be bf, imo.

How old is dc1?

Oh my goodness, it is so hard being a parent to little ones, especially doing it on your own. The breastfeeding as well makes it really tough as you never really get a break and it is exhausting for your body too. You all have been through so much in these recent months so no wonder it has taken its toll. It sounds like you could do with a bit more support and a break at times. Could your ex take the kids a bit more to give you a break? Or are there any services locally, for example a Volunteer from Homestart or similar? You sound like you really love your kids and want to give them your best ... sometimes your best is only possible with a bit of support.

It wasn't having the second child that caused this, it was your marriage breaking down. You are now a single parent. That is bloody hard. Stop breastfeeding or stop at a year. Your baby will be eating solids and be absolutely fine without any milk to drink at all. Just give yoghurt, cheese etc.

How old is DC1 and what is your financial situation like? And what are your plans for work? Would it be possible and make sense to find a nursery for your baby say for two or three mornings a week? They'd probably have more success getting him to drink from a cup etc. - many bf babies won't take one from their mothers initially, understandably! - and it'd give you some of the time with DC1 that you seem to be missing, as well as hopefully being fun for DC2. You certainly could stop breastfeeding and pat yourself on the back for a job well done - the fact that you say you enjoy it is what makes me wonder if there's a better solution. If you had in mind to be WOH once DC2 starts school, say, this might also be a useful step in that direction.

YANBU, but hopefully you don't have to feel this way long term.

It's so hard but you're doing so well. It won't always be like this.

I'll balance pp comments with the notion that it's still ok to continue bf if you both want to. There are always benefits no matter what age they are.

Or if you really do want to stop that's ok too - I don't think that's the root issue though x

Bloody hell, I cannot believe the only advice is stop bf! Sometimes it's just not that easy to stop. It must be so tough on your own OP. You could try night weaning - I did the jay Gordon method when my son was 1. Meant I got sleep and I still bf for another year despite working full time. However I think the solution is not really about tackling feeding, its about getting some support so you can have a break

(oops, I meant DC1 not DC2 the last time there, but of course I'm only guessing, in an attempt to be helpful)

Give yourself a break. You have two young (presumably DC1 is young) children which is hard at the best of times. And you're doing this solo which is no mean feat. Sorry, I've no practical advice, just wanted to show some support.

Subsequent children often show up the flaws in our relationships (our third nearly broke our marriage) as less time for everyone, both parents tired, no gets a break, selfishness starts showing more.

You can be away for 11month old more than 2 hours. Even if your a bf - i'm fuzzy about frequency but don't they usually cut down to a morning and night feed about this age

My ds refused all bottles but I still left him at nursery from 6mo with lots of dairy to eat and water to drink from a cup.

Can you divide the kids up and have your dh take the younger a few hours a week to give you quality 1:1 with your Ds1?

Are you going back to work? Again that might give you the space you need to enjoy your time when you're with the kids. It IS relentless if it's 24/7 (Although they do still have two parents so it shouldn't be 24/7 for you).

You've had an incredibly tough year. You need to give yourself a break. Do you want to stop bf? A friend of mine went cold turkey at 9 months and her dd ended up taking a sippy cup. If not, don't change anything unless you want too. Could you ask your ex to look after the bavy whilst you do something with dc1 just the two of you? I've done this so that I can take dd1 swimming and it has made a massive difference.

Yes agree that it was the relationship breakdown that has caused the problems. Breastfeeding hasn't much to do with it but no reason not to give up if you are struggling to manage everything. Personally I found feeding myself a lot easier than making up bottles and all the faff but each to their own.

No need to make up bottles of formula at 11 months! Start gradually introducing cows milk in a cup and by the time they switch over the dc will be old enough to have cows as a main drink.

OP, I'm a lone parent also to a 17m very happy little boy and I struggle to balance everything so can't imagine what is must be like with two young children. I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel but I'm finally managing now - you will get there, you just need to survive this phase. Good luck

You separated 3 months ago, your ex is 'very involved ' yet you've never had an hour or two away from your DC? I would argue your ex needs to do more. Much more more to relieve the burden. Stop bf, put your 12 month old on cows milk and hand them over to him for 24 hour care several times a month and get back to work pt if you can. Your ex will have to share childcare expenses unless he wants to pick up the slack.
If you're in tears most days and can't take anymore, it's time for drastic action and anything to make your life easier.

I'm going to answer your actual question.

Yes. I often do regret having another child. I'm still with my husband but only just. It's been a bloody nightmare since we had dc2 3 years ago and we have a five year gap so it's not like I have two tiny ones.

I bf as well. Dc2 is 3 and is boob mad but I find it so useful for calming tantrums and soothing hurts. I definitely wouldn't advise stopping. It's such a useful parenting tool.

But you can introduce boundaries if you need to. You don't have to feed on demand. I'd say 11 months is very young to nightwean. I nightweaned dc1 at 16 months and regretted it because the sleep did not improve at all not till she was 4 and started school.

She continued to feed till 7 although not much by the end.

The rest of your post I could have written myself. I'm often at the end of my tether with two kids who are just incredibly hard work.

I'm often tearful and find it all so difficult. I'm hoping it will get better as they get older.

Some children are very hard work but hopefully will settle down.

Hugs. I'm happy to chat if you want.

It must be hard on your own - I BF DS2 until he was 1 - that was enough then for me - and if I am honest the last month was a struggle! Neither ever had a bottle. It will get better - so don't beat yourself up over this. Most people have regrets at some point - but it will get better. And I agree with others - try and get some support (and be good to yourself - no need for guilt!)

I wouldnt say I regret it, but my God it's harder with 2. I thought it would be one plus one, plus it's one plus one then squared.