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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stop ex seeing children

44 replies

user1495583733 · 31/05/2017 21:35

Aibu to stop contact as my ex is 26 and seeing a 17 year old. They started seeing eachother when she was 16 and he was still living with me. Iv offered supervised contact but he turned it down

OP posts:

Bluebeedee · 01/06/2017 06:47

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 Why do you need to be so rude to the OP?

LedaP · 01/06/2017 06:50

Why are you worrying sbiut thr age of his gf if all the other stuff thats happening?

Trifleorbust · 01/06/2017 06:54

The age/GF issue is far less an issue than an active drug problem, surely?

FlossyMooToo · 01/06/2017 06:56

I think you have your priorities all mixed up.

You have to be very careful that you are not cutting contact out of jealousy which tbh it sounds like you are.
Does he use drugs/have fights when the DC are with him? If so yes stopping contact is the safest option.
Can you not offer for him to have them during the day on a Saturday? Take them to the park/bowling/zoo?

His gf is young but not a "child" and not a reason to stop contact.

StillDrivingMeBonkers · 01/06/2017 07:07

My grandmother was fourteen when she started going out with my grandfather who was twenty-eight.

I don't think anecdotal evidence of grooming and child exploitation is helpful here.

kittensinmydinner1 · 01/06/2017 07:28

OK OP you have got to take a breath and think about how you can best ensure your DC can have a relationship with their father.

I am presuming you thought this man good enough to make children with. I am presuming he hasn't had a complete personality transplant since leaving you. So either your judgement is seriously impaired for having not one but two children with this man or you are jealous of his new relationship and are keeping their father from seeing him as a punishment. That only really punishes the dcs and is hugely damaging in the long term.

Having a 17 yr old girlfriend is NOT a reason to withhold contact.

Getting into fights (as long as dcs not with him) is not a reason to withhold contact.

Taking drugs can be a reason but it depends. If he is smoking weed when they aren't with him AND it's not in the house when they are there. It's NOT a reason to withhold contact.
If he's an crack/coke/heroin addict then of course they shouldn't see him unsupervised .

Ask yourself if their welfare is compromised by being with him. It's in their interest to make it work for their sake.

Original poster

user1495583733 · 01/06/2017 07:41

The age bothers be because as iv said he has a family member on sex offenders reg. I should of added hes sees this family member and has even asked at times to take out dc to see this man. Of cours her age is not my main consern and the drug issues and other stuff is. Hes got into figjts because of her and drugs and im worried about someone attacking him when he has my dc. I would also like to add dc1 was not planed (but still very much loved) and dc2 he admitted after i found out i was pregnant to poking holes in condoms (also dc2 is still loved) all this should of been im original post but im very sorry that when i posted i was very tired and stressed

OP posts:

FlossyMooToo · 01/06/2017 08:18

I am sorry but you cannot blame the gf for him getting in to drugs.
He sounds like a shit person but some access to his children should be possible.

I doubt he will take you to court but he may do and you need to understand they would probably allow contact including overnights.
Can you not have a grown up conversation about safe contact? Explain your fears about his drug use/violence around the children and also zero contact with family member?
I would not mention the gf as he will just assume you are jealous and become deffensive and you will achieve nothing.

BitchQueen90 · 01/06/2017 08:24

Does he take drugs while he's with the children?

The only time you should ever stop children seeing their father is if they are at risk from harm.

Original poster

user1495583733 · 01/06/2017 08:31

He was a drug user before her. Iv tried to explain my concerns to him and tried to reason with him about contact iv even offered to take the children somewere for him to see them but he refuses. The children are still very young and have not seen him in a very long time.

OP posts:

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 01/06/2017 08:37

Ignore the girlfriend and her age - you've enough reason to stop contact without her.

Drug use, violence, a family member who's a registered sex offender and he hasn't seen them in a while - no way he should have them unsupervised. You've offered him a contact centre and he's refused so the balls in his court now. He can either accept it or take you to court (where he would likely be offered the same thing).

FlossyMooToo · 01/06/2017 08:45

If you have offered reasonable contact despite his lifestyle and he has refused then he is leaving you no option.

Stop contact explain why and tell him should he change his life and put DC first then you will discuss it with him.

thethoughtfox · 01/06/2017 10:59

You need to report the drug use and violent behaviour and dangerous relatives.

likeababyelephant · 01/06/2017 12:33

Yanbu to want to keep him away from yourDC. Children don't need their fathers, especially your ex who sounds like a loser and s bad influence. They're better off without him.

Pinkheart5917 · 01/06/2017 12:39

A 26 year old dating a 17 year old is not illegal and contact couldn't be stopped becuase you don't like that, no court would back you with that.

The other stuff you mention with the drugs & violence I imagine a court would take in to account ( if he bothered with court) and would look at supervise access or a contact centre

Toysaurus · 01/06/2017 12:40

The age of the girlfriend is not an issue. I was always dating men ten years older than me at that age because men my age were mostly silly and imature. That's nothing to do with child sex offences.

And I don't really believe the fighting and drug taking is an issue considering it turned up in a massive drip feed.

Lasagnabreath · 02/06/2017 12:29

I think it's quite childish to be this petty and use children to get at someone.

I understand your concerns (I don't understand your issue with the age though) but I don't see it as reason enough to stop contact, I also am having trouble believing what you say because of the huge drip feed and weird obsession over his gf age and not overly concerned about the fights and drugs. What drugs is it? Because that really will make all the difference.

metspengler · 02/06/2017 12:48

If you're going to drip feed you'll get a weird set of responses.

I'd say that the OP suggests an inability to distinguish between your own feelings and what you have a right to control, but subsequent comments suggest he has an unstable and dangerous lifestyle. I would be taking legal advice to limit or even stop contact with him if your allegations are provable.

Underthemoonlight · 02/06/2017 12:55

I'm amazed your main focus is the DS age and not his drug issues and violence and inapproiate family members they would be my top priority but you seem to be making excuses about not posting about them in your op.

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