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AIBU?

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Original poster

Tell me if I'm being ridiculous?

26 replies

Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 09:56

Namechanged as it's identifying.

I'm currently renting living with dh and our two dc. It's been on the cards for some time now that we'd be buying somewhere, but it hasn't been easy finding somewhere we want. Dh was quite keen on going across town where it's cheaper, but I didn't want to disrupt the dcs schooling, clubs, and stuff, eldest is quite involved with his cubs and his footy team locally, not really any good schools over that way either. I'm probably quite stuck here because I feel we are established and dc were getting upset about the move especially my eldest.

There isn't much nice housing over here that's affordable. In the end we have found a house literally up the road that we are all happy with, had an offer accepted.

All good, except I've realised that it's highly unlikely that the eldest will get into his chosen secondary school now. I really didn't think it would make any difference as it's only up the road, but having done a bit more research it's just slightly out of area. He might still get a place, but whereas we're almost guaranteed where we are now, we won't be. Seems about 50/50 over the past few years.

Ds really wants to go to this school, it's a very good school, most of his friends will be going there.

Having said that we are lucky there are other fairly good schools around that he should get into one of them, but I think he'll be really disappointed and wouldn't know anyone.

Dh is really annoyed and thinks I'm being ridiculous that I didn't want to move far and now I'm reluctant to even move up the road, but he's not really interested in schools he's of the opinion that any school will do. He keeps saying things like ds will get in because his friends will be going and the school wouldn't do that, even though that's not how the admission criteria works.

OP posts:
BlahBlahBlahEtc · 31/05/2017 10:02

No you're not being ridiculous, especially if your son really wants to go to this school as well. I don't really have any advice but your husband needs to think a bit differently than "any school will do".

BastardGoDarkly · 31/05/2017 10:03

He may get in, if not the School he will get into will be a good one.

His friends may not end up there, through moving themselves, or what ever.

I wouldn't change the whole families plan for this reason myself.

You're not being ridiculous though.

PeanutButterJellyTimeforTea · 31/05/2017 10:05

Not ridiculous, but what is your alternative? Not buy the house and stay renting?
You can't just say no to the house you have already said you will buy without an alternative plan in place?

Cuppaoftea · 31/05/2017 10:15

Many kids start secondary not knowing anyone, he'd soon make new friends and friendship groups often change at that age anyway.

You have no security in renting. You could be given two months notice tomorrow and have to move out of the area altogether.

I can understand your DH's frustration. You have had an offer accepted on a house you both like in the local area you are already settled in. Good secondary schools around for the future and most importantly you'll have practical and financial security for your family. Hard to understand why you're not jumping at that chance, you have to compromise somewhere.

MurielsBottom · 31/05/2017 10:23

Actually I do think you are being a little bit ridiculous. It sounds like your ds is picking up on your anxieties about new experiences and it is holding both of you back.

In terms of schools things can change so much in a few years. What may be an outstanding school now may not be in a few years. His friendship group can change or move away. So many factors you can't control.

I can understand why your dh is getting frustrated. Your decisions are so much based in the very imminent future and your dh is trying to make longer term plans and is being frustrated by everything being about the dc now. It is a very child centred approach and would definitely grate on me.

Original poster
Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 10:31

We are in social housing so won't be getting chucked out.

I probably am being child centred and I agree that any of those things could change, buying a home is a long term plan.

There's a bit of a backstory that I don't want to go on and on about, but we'd have probably moved on years ago if it weren't for dhs arsing around at the time, before the eldest became so settled, now I feel like he wants to move because he's ready but he wouldn't care about disrupting the dc.

One example is me having childcare help from my family, emergency back up if one of them is unwell, dh would be happy to leave that behind and it would be me who'd end up having to have a day off work to cover.

OP posts:
caffelatte100 · 31/05/2017 10:33

Have faith that your son will make new friends and that he would be able to manage and he will, if it comes to that. And you never know he might get into the school with his friends....

Original poster
Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 10:37

I think I worry too because I had a bad time at secondary school, and so did dh, but that doesn't mean it will be the same for ds.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 31/05/2017 10:37

I think you are being ridiculous. It's just a school; he's get to know people and make friends easily once he started.

Cuppaoftea · 31/05/2017 10:54

It would be unreasonable to use past disagreements as a reason not to move now when your DH has already agreed to moving up the road instead of across town. Disruption to your DC will be minimised and your family will still be able to help out.

You can afford to buy which would be best for your family and your social housing is needed for a family who can't.

krustykittens · 31/05/2017 10:56

My eldest has been in three secondary schools thanks to house moves. She has survived. Owning your own home is a long term plan that benefits the entire family. I would buy the house!

Northend77 · 31/05/2017 10:57

I don't think you are being ridiculous. I presume you are talking about secondary school here? I am putting off moving until we have got our girls into our preferred school for them and I'm just talking about primary! I can completely understand but I am lucky that my DH is on-board with my choice

BadToTheBone · 31/05/2017 10:57

I'm going against the grain here but to me, schooling is everything, I wouldn't move if I were you.

PeaFaceMcgee · 31/05/2017 11:01

You're being ridiculous - you can't base a whole family decision on the whims of one child. He'll get into a good school.

I think if you can afford to buy a house, you should give up your social housing as there are others in greater need.

pamplemoussed · 31/05/2017 11:14

My dd went up to senior school with all her friends, which at the time seemed really important to her, and us. She still made lots of new ones anyway. They all do. In her teen years, the old, known, junior school pals are far less important than we would ever have realised at 10 years old. YABU.

Buy your own home for the benefit of all the family and use the good schools he will have access to anyway.

RB68 · 31/05/2017 11:14

we had a similar situation - we have huge choice of schools as we are a border property so could go to school area left or right and get priority due to nature of location. Our allocated school was one we didn't want, we chose another - which is closer (I know go figure) so still get busees and everything and in fact most of the kids from her primary went there except for her very best friend she went to the other school. There were tears and sulks and so on BUT having now had the first year at new school after 2 weeks it was fine - old friends keep in touch via social media much better these days and we make the effort to go and see them etc So if he is only living a very short distance from the school he went to then they will probably stay in touch. I would suggest going to see the schools and choose what suits your son best. It sounds like you are possibly buying "the worst property on the best street" which is always a good move anway :-)

Original poster
Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 11:18

Nothing is based on the 'whims' of one child.

It's not my ds fault that we have ended up in this situation. It's dh whims that have got us here.

Ds has done nothing wrong but establish a life and a friendship group in the area he's had no choice but to live in. He naturally wants to go to the local secondary school and it's been consistently a very good school. I'd like him to attend that school for various reasons.

I accept that him having to go to a different school may not be the end of the world, but that doesn't mean I'm making decisions on his whims.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 11:22

Thanks for the reassurance about him making friends.

It isn't only the friendship groups with the school, I like the school, I think ds would be well suited there. Though as I say there are other good schools around and they are all very popular.

OP posts:
Chloe84 · 31/05/2017 11:24

It sounds like you are a bit fed up with DH in general.

Why is DH's job more important than yours?

He should step up to his share of taking days off to care for sick dc.

greedygorb · 31/05/2017 11:26

If it's just up the road then there will be other kids from his clubs, scouts etc and his ps going to whatever school he gets into as well I bet. If you like the house you'd be mad to turn it down for this. I went to secondary school with all my ps friends and didn't stay mates with any of them. I'm not the only one.

Original poster
Ricekrispiecakes · 31/05/2017 11:34

There is a bit of that in it Chloe

That is a good point greedy I guess most of us don't stay best friends with our primary school friends and yes there might be a few familiar faces at the other schools.

I think on balance I am probably being daft. He might still get a place and there are other reasonable options available.

I wonder if subconsciously it's more about me and dh 😟

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 31/05/2017 11:36

Move.

There is no guarantee of ds getting in any particular school at the moment and no guarantee that good schools will continue to be good schools. Moving is best for the whole family and your ds will soon settle.

Make sure that your name is on the deeds for the house too.

Ilikecheeriosyum · 31/05/2017 11:38

How is he going to feel if he goes to the same school as his friends and they grow apart, or change or find new friends? it happens a LOT!

He will make new friends, I promise. At every stage of life, school, college, uni, work.

Also "good" schools means they passed their planned Ofsted inspection. Any one can put on a show for a day.
Every school has good and bad teachers and head teachers can change a school drastically. Unless the school is private there ARE going to be 30 kids in a class room and some of them are going to be disruptive and bully others.

I do believe it's down to the child and how they use the schools resources and can ask for help. If he wants to succeed, they'll do it.

Huskylover1 · 31/05/2017 11:46

What year is he due to start Secondary? Could you stay on at the rental property for a bit of extra time, and apply with that address? Do you have relatives in the catchment area, that you could use their address under the premise that you and DH are separated and you and your son live there? Then hey presto, later you get back together Wink

I agree that when they go to High School, kids do make new friends, however, I think there's a lot to be said for starting High school with a bunch of other kids that you know. Mine branched off in to new friendships, but it took a while. I wouldn't have liked them to start a school where they knew no-one. That said, I did, as my parents sent me to a faith school on the other side of the city, and I was actually fine.

BewareOfDragons · 31/05/2017 11:58

Your DH clearly doesn't understand the secondary admissions system... but that being said, he's still right about moving. Buy the house. Move. And apply for the school you want as your first choice, and appeal if you don't get in. You may get lucky; waiting lists do move for various reasons. And since he's spent all his time in a feeder school, that will help your arguments.

Even if he doesn't get in, he will make new friends. Secondaries tend to spread out the friendships anyway; he'll be mixing with new children no matter where he goes to school.

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