To think this may have been some form of abuse?

[user1496156134]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Posting in aibu for traffic. Probably a bit long (sorry).

I feel very guilty/bad and even a bit ridiculous for suggesting this, but I am beginning to think my DF may have been emotionally/verbally abusive. I feel really awful even saying this, because in my mind abuse denotes violence and deprivation. I was never physically assaulted or deprived. I was mostly happy as a child and it is only as an adult that I am beginning to think this behaviour was abnormal.

Being sworn at, shouting so loud that it was roaring/screeching over minor things, things being thrown across the room (harmless things e.g. plastic cups and papers/letters), being made to feel incredibly anxious over certain things (e.g. I made paper notes for my schoolwork instead of working on a laptop, which he didn't like “what if there was a fire and all your notes burned up?”; not wanting to sleep in the same bed as my sibling when watching him overnight “what if he goes looking for you and falls down the stairs and breaks his neck?”), innappropriate disciplinary comments for my age (e.g. at 9 being told he was sick of my 'whining comments and bitchy remarks'), physical aggression (e.g. slamming of doors/car doors in arguments and an incident where I had had a shower shortly before dinner, having been told it would be ready in 20 mins. It was ready earlier than expected and instead of calling from the landing/downstairs to tell me, he forced the bathroom door open, physically breaking the lock.), poor communication (e.g. being outright ignored so having to repeat myself many times or having what I said be misinterpreted), anger and dismissive comments/misinterpretation at the mention of boys/male friends (e.g. “I'm going to a New Year's eve party at (named male friend)'s house with (named female friends).” “You aren't going to a boy's house on your own” snarled back at me. I was 17), things being broken/thrown out when he was 'tidying', odd threats (“hang up on me again and I'll take that phone and smash it with a hammer”, lying to me in upsetting ways (e.g. when my DSM was visibly pregnant (4/5 months) and I kept asking if she was pregnant, only to be made to feel stupid), passive aggressive comments/odd behaviour around schoolwork/grades (e.g. on AS results day when I got all As “A is the highest grade you can get, right?”; on GCSE results day when I was crying due to disappointment, ignoring my tears and asking DSM “where are her results?”), comparing me to my friends in terms of grades/extracurriculars, become immediately enraged over small things (e.g. dropping a fork on the floor, not being able to find something) which then lead to shouting/screaming etc.

I'm sure there are more but I can't remember everything all at once. I feel bad for asking this. Generally we have a good relationship: these incidents were infrequent and I do love him even though I am a bit afraid of him. He would often apologise if I cried and say that he was just worried about me because he loved me.

Part of me thinks that this is the normal adult response to poor behaviour: I was bad so I was disciplined, so it's my fault/responsibility. But then again some things were inconsequential or just differences of opinion (e.g. I said I wanted to go to a university that he hadn't recommended and was told “you know what, fuck you.”)

So I guess my AIBU is 'am I wrong to think what I think about this?' Please help me to figure all this out.

I will do so, OnTheRise. Thank you.

A good book:

A Woman In Your Own Right; Assertiveness and You by Ann Dickson

I read it at about your age

Thanks for the recommendation, NotYoda. Will look it up.

I think a counsellor would definitly help you to talk about how you feel and how to go forward. Your feelings are valid and matter.

From my experience that I touched upon in my earlier post it didn't just go away and I still feel upset/angry/cheated at times about what I went through as a child. My oldest child is now at the age I was at when things got really bad for me as a child. I can't imagine how he would cope if me or his dad treated him in the way I was treated. Don't underestimate the affect it can have on you so please go to your gp and arrange some counselling. I think when you have been abused, you can lose track of what's normal in a healthy relationship especially when the other person tries to justify how they acted.

I also meant to say that when I met my partner, I was almost shocked at how good our relationship was/is. Having seen my parents volatile relationship I had never really seen a happy couple that were equal In the relationship and actually were nice to each other....sounds stupid...but when you have never seen it you don't really think it happens. My relationship with my partner is still equal and good many years later. I realised with the more time that passed how wrong it was. My relationship with my partner and our relationship with our children is so good and a sharp contrast to how I was treated as a child so you can definitly have good relationships after a bad childhood.

User I think that childhood experiences can certainly impact on one's relationships in adulthood. I think I can be quite touchy and anxious if things don't go right in a relationship. I expect a lot of a partner. I have had several long term relationships and am in one now (with the father of my child) but I often wonder if I would be better on my own. I am quite mistrustful of men generally and get on with women better. Not sure if any of this means anything really.

I'm very glad to hear that people have had normal relationships with partners/children later in life. Do any of you with similar experiences tend to have any contact with your parents, or do you find it easier to cut them off?

Just remembered another thing: he was sorting through washing and came into my room to ask me if a top was mine. I said "no, it's DSM's". He said scornfully "This little top is DSM's?". I replied "Yes, or at least it's not mine. Why do you keep asking me?!" and he responded by hurling the top across the room at me and shouting about my tone of voice before leaving my room and then bringing back clothes which he hurled at my door.
I'm really struggling with this now. I don't understand how people rationalize these things to themselves.

And god, he later lied about it to my DSM on the phone. He said he'd asked if the top was mine and I'd said "I don't know; why are you talking to me?" so he'd had to "explain to me that my behavior was unacceptable." He made it sound so reasonable. It was like the throwing stuff and the anger just hadn't happened.

It sounds OP as if your father had anger issues and found it easier to channel them onto a defenceless child. That can be the problem with childhood - I think if you're with a mismatched parent there is no escape until you reach adulthood. I have no nostalgia at all for my childhood. I am trying to do everything differently with my own child to make them feel they are the most special thing in my world (which they are).

I know EXACTLY how you feel, and you could have been describing my father

Anger issues sounds like a rational explanation; I do think that was part of the problem. I'm sorry to hear that becotide. Can I ask if you still have contact with your father?