There's so much more to this than I can write but basically after a weekend of rows...weekend after weekend of fighting and blame and unhappiness I have calmly sat down with DH and said that whatever else is going on, I, we, have to commit to not fighting and shouting in front of the children for their emotional and psychological well-being. DS had two big meltdowns today and I believe it's a reaction to us. Even if I'm wrong (and I could be), it's still awful. We've both shouted so loud as to scare DD who is 9 months old.
I've sat down and voiced my concern over DS and what the fighting a doing to the children. He said...you are over-dramatising, you need to control yourself more, you lose your rag with the children more times than we fight, I'm worried about the children. I said how on earth do you know what happens 95% of the time when you are not here. He said that's exactly what I'm worried about. I said how dare he imply that the children are in danger with me. To avoid another row I went to bed shaking and panicking. I have been depressed and was on ADs. I have self harmed out of sheer desperate frustrating with DH and our situation. After years of self harm I have to my utter shame lashed out at DH. This is on no level ok and i make no excuse. He brings out the very worst in me...we do in each other (this weekend he ripped the stairs gates off the stairs and threw washing everywhere, he has also pushed me into a cupboard and pushed me onto the sofa not letting me get up...he has never hit me and I would be a hypocrite to lay it all at his door) but he keeps telling me how moody, negative, rude and disrespectful I am.
We are on the rocks at the moment. This weekend has been awful but it's all my fault as usual. I'm selfish and inconsiderate and nasty. I can expand further but basically I am terrified that if it comes to it he will lever the mental health issues. I absolutely do not lose my rag with the children all the time. It is utter bollocks but he makes me question my sanity over who I am and what I do. I have never ever hurt or hit the children. Never. Not once. I practice gentle attachment parenting but I am human, I'm sleep deprived with DD and it was 100x worse with DS who didn't sleep for 2.5 years. I was tortured with it.
Anyway. Lots more than I can actually put down here but what do I, oh wise and fair MN people?