To feel like maybe I don't have MH problems, and am just unlikeable?

[WhatToTryNext]

Posting here because I could talk to my lovely partner but they are already a bit worried about me, and I don't want to cause more worry.

I just feel very alone because I have no friends, and have a tense relationship with my family. I started having mental health issues in late teens and they came to a head in mid twenties. My relationship with my mother is ok but never been the same since.

I actively blamed her for leaving me as a baby with her own parents, because she had me as a teen. My nan was very loving but my grandpa disliked me intensely. My mum went back to drama school, then moved off to London. I've never had a relationship with my father, only met him a few times. My mum married a nice guy in time, but he had no interest in being a dad to me, went on and had kids with him. He was very honest and told me he liked me a lot, but didn't have the same love for me he had for my mum and my sisters.

Anyway, when I had my breakdown I blamed my mum for my upbringing being at the root of my self esteem issues. She was defensive and sometimes enraged, but did listen. She said she never thought it was that bad for me. She did apologize several times, in an angry kind of way.

The fact remains that no parent type person has ever warmed to me except my nan.

I am generally ok and just keep going with my life but sometimes feel very depressed. I have no friends really. I always expect people to dislike me and even when I do become friendly, I'm so scared of them turning on me. I've had a couple of very long term friendships and always thought I was doing ok, but both of these went wrong in the last few years. I was frequently excluded at school. I always had friends for a time, but always say or do the wrong thing and people just dislike me then.

In the friendships I do have or have had, I've come to realise how people treat me very carelessly or sometimes even with contempt. For a long time I tried to laugh everything off so people would think I was just very easy going.

I don't even know why I'm posting, I just feel very lost because I feel like I'm not mentally ill I'm just a person nobody likes. There's no medication I can take for that and don't know what to do.

Just wanted to say that I totally get what youre feeling op.
I spent much of my 20s feeling like that. I was depressed and anti depressants have helped a lot. They've given me a boost so I've been able to work on my self esteem and attend counselling to address issues from my childhood.
I'd say definitely ask your gp about counselling. I thought I knew where my issues came from and thought I'd got to the bottom of it but it has been so enlightening to have my therapists pov and she's explained my feelings through a psychological pov which has helped me so much with thinking it was just me.
Feel free to pm if you want a chat.

I bought up my eldest daughter alone. I had to work full time because I had no support from her father, he left me when I was 3 months pregnant. I did my best in difficult circumstances yet my daughter is bitter and angry towards me.

I feel sad for her and desperately try to reach out to her and get nothing back, she has built up a fortress around herself.
My daughter spent a lot of time with my parents, but they were both kind and extremely loving towards her. My father was like a father to her, unfortunately we lost him to cancer when he was only 60 and this had a profound effect on my daughter, she never grieved for him, just bottled it all up.
I met my husband one year after losing my dad and we have 2 children together, my eldest daughter can't acknowledge them. My husband cares about her but I admit that it is not in the same way that he loves his own kids. That is hard and I resent him for it but he is not an unkind man.
Life is difficult and it does not always run smoothly, I did do the best I could for my daughter and I love her deeply, I hate to see her hurting but feel her anger and bitterness is only hurting her. She suffers anxiety and self esteem issues, I do feel to blame and I'm sure deep down your mum may feel the same, but I'm sure she loves you very much and is sad and fruit see you struggling.

You aren't unlikable. I don't know if you have mental health problems, I'm not a trained professional. I do know about coming from a very difficult background though (extremely toxic in my case). I spent (wasted ) so many years of my life reliving it, sorrowing over it etc until I woke up and realised that 20/30 years had passed me by, and I couldn't have them back. I can't make what happened unhappen. Neither can you. The only thing then that is left within our control is wether we allow it to rob us of our remaining years. I refuse to do that, I don't have too many left. So, I accept that it happened, that I will have some bad days still, and I move on, and enjoy the gift of the life that is left to me. It will never go away..it won't for you either. Don't waste your life trying to make it. Build a new life while you can.

OP it doesn't sound like you are unlikeable, it sounds like you had a shit life and expect more of the same. Have you heard of confirmation bias? It is when you only see evidence that backs up your current beliefs, and don't see evidence that contradicts your beliefs.

I also had a horrible childhood and have spent a lot of my life believing it was all my fault, that I 'asked for it' somehow. It is a fairly normal response to childhood abuse and neglect, I try to remember that and understand and be kind to myself. I am also fortunate to have a lovely DH who reminds me of all the people who love me, otherwise I do have a tendency to only notice when people treat me badly.

Op as others have said your mum sounds awful, and very like mine. She left when I was3, taking my baby sister, remarried had more children and never once explained why she didn't think me worthy of living with her.
Anyway I have huge issues with making friends, I feel people aren't interested in me and can't be bothered with me. I did have a bit of counselling and it is down to the fact if you don't have an attachment with your mum, you will find it very difficult to feel you are worthy of female friendships for the rest of your life.
I think you need to find a good therapist. There's so much which need unravelling!
None of us can say if you have mental health issues, I certainly don't think you are a "horrible" person but I do think your issues with friends are caused by your mum who was insensitive to the needs of you, her daughter.

IFYOU
Thanks for a helpful post.
What is going wrong though when the people we would like as friends treat us so casually, let us down at the last minute, never contact us or invite us to anything. Yet they seem to enjoy the time spent with us.
Clearly we do think we are worthy of friendship or we wouldn't keep trying . This repeated treatment doesn't help us with self esteem
Just hoping that your therapist might have answered this

Friends come and go all the time and sometimes when they are going more than coming it can be really difficult to not think its because something is wrong with you. But when you have that belief you are setting up new friendships for failure as well.

Have you read up on personality disorders? Its a horrible name I know but doesn't really reflect what they are. They have a lot to do with how you are raised.