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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to feel really angry by this?

19 replies

Smileallday · 28/05/2017 20:40

Bit of history...I have a good relationship with my DM which some of my siblings get jealous about. At Christmas one of my Sisters decided to fly at my DM about how she puts me before them ( which is totally untrue, we just get on quite well) this DS called me some horrible names and said she wishes I was dead. Since this time my DM makes out to family she doesn't see me to protect hurting others or causing more anger to flare. I have accepted this but it does hurt me that things have had to come to this.

2 months ago I organised to visit her this bank holiday and spend some of the week with the kids over half term. All fine, until said sister decided she wants to visit over BH so my DM says yes and asks if I could go down Tuesday after BH. (This sister had no children and is not fitting in around school holidays she could have visited anytime.)I said yes and didn't bring the topic up again. DM said she would rather I didn't tell others in the family I was visiting at all as didn't want to cause a problem. I said ok... Last week she then asked if I could arrive the wednesday as my sister was staying another night. I agreed and changed my plans again to accommodate. Then today I text her regarding Wednesday and one of our plans ( I'm not allowed to ring and speak when sister is there) to be asked if I would mind arriving Thursday as sister making plans with work to stay another night. I am leaving Saturday anyway and it is a 2.5 hour journey at best. I feel really pissed off that sister created this rift and now I'm having to be the accommodating one to fit around. I feel that DM is scared to upset her and think it is wrong I have to not exist just to keep the peace.

Aibu to feel pissed off by all of this?

OP posts:

honeysucklejasmine · 28/05/2017 20:43

That's ridiculous. Your sister needs to get over herself and your mum needs to stop pandering to her nonsense.

Birdsgottaf1y · 28/05/2017 20:48

Your Sister probably suspects that you are visiting and is being obstructive.

You all need to let this just blow up and get passed it.

Effectively your Mum is now putting her in front of you, which is what she wanted.

I'd tell your Mum that it can't continue.

shinyredbus · 28/05/2017 20:51

crikey OP - i feel bad for you! your mum is not being fair on you - but i can also see how she is trying to keep the peace and to ensure her other children don't thing she has a favourite. I would have a word with your sister though - she sounds awful.

drivingmisspotty · 28/05/2017 20:55

This sounds like there must be much more to it! It sounds like quite odd and unreasonable behaviour from your mum really, why would she pretend to be non-contact with you? Why does she act as thought she thinks your sister has a point? DOES your sister have a point, has mum played favourites?

Sorry I of course don't know you and your mum may be perfectly innocently just trying to please everyone. But it just doesn't sound quite right to me....

In your shoes I don't know what I would do! But would be tempted not to go at all this half term. Not worth it for the time she will have you. Be honest about why.

Original poster

Smileallday · 28/05/2017 20:56

Thanks for your messages. I think she may have an idea I was visiting and trying to see if my DM puts her first. There is no way I can speak with sister, she is a very angry and quite scary person when she gets going. She said some really hurtful things to me and I could not face more horrible words.

OP posts:

ALittleMop · 28/05/2017 20:57

How awful for everyone.

TBH your mum, whilst trying to tread a delicate path, and not upset anyone, is the unreasonable one here.

I honestly think I would say, sorry it's too far and too much car for just two days. Do something else.

How does this supposed "favouritism" manifest itself?

Nocabbageinmyeye · 28/05/2017 21:02

Wow that's awful! I'd just text her back and cancel altogether, then wait till your sister is gone and tell her how hurtful she is being , not to mention a spineless two faced liar. I think she is behaving appalling and doing your sister no favours pandering to her shit either

Original poster

Smileallday · 28/05/2017 21:05

We are form a big family and I think it is difficult for my mum to spread her time evenly. I have always accepted this and never make an issue because I understand that at times she may need to be with one more than another. Others have fallen out with her or been quite nasty when she hasn't done what she's wanted. The issue with me I think comes when my parents seperated, I did stick by my mum and others by my dad. My dad is a heavy drinker and would call me names to my sisters eg. So far up your mothers arse; sticking in with her because she thinks she's the best...etc Ive often wondered with them been younger if this is part of the problem,

OP posts:

EweAreHere · 28/05/2017 21:18

I would cancel, tbh. Tell her that it's become ridiculous, and you will have to visit another time. Then don't respond to any text/calls until you're ready to talk to her about what you want/think is reasonable/think is fair going forward.

Pallisers · 28/05/2017 21:20

You are not being unreasonable. Your sister is playing your mother. Tell your mother you aren't going to bother coming to see her. Then text your sister and say "thanks a million for staying on with Mum. Saves me a trip - great to have the week free completely".

e1y1 · 28/05/2017 21:28

No not BU in the slightest. In fact, I would cancel the visit all together - don't waste your time and send a message to your DM (and Dsis - as I too suspect she is up to something), that you won't take pretending you don't exist.

I would not be going in a million years.

Madasahattersteaparty1749 · 28/05/2017 21:35

I would text back your DM that you are now no longer coming and will not be contacting her until she stops pretending that she is no longer in contact with you.

She has effectively chosen your sister over you which would hurt me immensely parents are supposed to remain neutral not something I would do to any of my kids.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 28/05/2017 21:37

I'd do what Ewe suggests - contact your mum to say "Hi Mum, I'm sorry that I won't be able to make the visit this time due to all the rejigging going on. I'll catch up with you soon, All the best, Smile" and just go about your break doing something else.
I wouldn't text your sister at all. She doesn't deserve it.

Good luck!

MissEliza · 28/05/2017 21:41

You poor thing. Your family situation sounds awful. I'd cancel the current plan to visit and take a step back for a while with your dm. I suspect your sister will be bored of playing games.

Original poster

Smileallday · 28/05/2017 21:47

Thank you for all your advice x

OP posts:

Mrsmadevans · 28/05/2017 22:04

Can you invite your mum to come to see you at yours, I think this is awful especially as your dm will be missing your dc and vice versa

innagazing · 28/05/2017 22:15

Two and a half hours drive isn't really that far and I'd say it's definitely worth going from Thursday to Saturday.

emmyrose2000 · 29/05/2017 04:15

The entire thing sounds dysfunctional.

It sounds like your mother enjoys the drama of playing her children off against each other.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 31/05/2017 12:43

Just wondering what you have decided to do OP?

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