To be annoyed --pissed-- --off-- with my mother?

[Numberonecook]

A bit long sorry. Growing up me and my mother were never very close. I spent most of my childhood living with grandparents and then I left home when I was 17 and moved in with DH. She's admitted herself she couldnt be bothered with me and didn't want a child. I have a brother and a sister who are both closer to my mum.

Now in my 30s Me and DH have been together 17 years and have 3 DC. Recently I've seen a lot more of my mother and she's seemed to be making a little more effort to want to spend time with me (never bothered before) but not with my children. I've let this go as because she couldn't be bothered bringing me up I don't expect her to be bothered with grandkids.

We now are saving up to buy a house and we're looking to move back to my home town to rent for a bit so we can be closer to FIL and his wife so they can help with childcare and we can save. FIL and his wife are retired but FIL isnt in the best of health. I mentioned this to my mother and suggested maybe she would like to pick our youngest two up from school in her day off (she has one day off through the week and then weekends but I only suggested one day) and look after them for an hour after school to give FIL that break. She refused saying she only has one day off through the week and I was being selfish asking. Ive never asked my mother for help before yet I have a brother (in his 30s) living at home getting financial help and a sister (in her 20s) also living at home getting financial help.

Was I being selfish? MIL and her husband look after the kids one weekend a month but love too far to do school pick ups. DH told me to forget it and I should of never asked because she's the selfish one. AIBU to ask my mother for help whilst we save for a house? I feel so guilty as I know they are our children DH mum and dad help us so much already. I also thought it would be nice for my youngest DC to get to know mum. My teenager doesn't talk to her because he doesn't know her!

"look after them for an hour after school to give FIL that break"

did you put it to her like that?

Because that would have wound me right up for a start

It seems clear to me that she doesn't enjoy children's company, probably wouldn't feel confident in caring for them and its being put to her as a way of doing the PILs a favour, not as a way to build a relationship with her grandchildren.

Plus if she's working, no I don't see why she should have to commit to regularly giving up her day off?

Selfish for asking? Self-interested, yes.
Right to be pissed off? No.

I'm not surprised she said no just disappointed she didn't want to. She doesn't do anything on her day off and often moans she is bored at home on her own.

No I didn't put it like that a little mop we were talking to FIL who offered to collect them to save us money. I mentioned it to My mother and she seemed huffy we were accepting help from him. I then asked if she would like to pick them up on her day off as that would really help us out as he might not be able to do everyday. She hit the roof calling me selfish for asking as she only had one day off midweek. I wasn't borthered before I asked.

That's totally different then. I'd be a bit sad if my mum didn't want to spend time with my children. Might she feel a bit unreasonably slighted and sidelined as the FIL arrangement put in place? And, possibly feeling guilty about saying no, but still not wanting to say yes, hence deflecting it on to you?

She didn't need to kick off on you. She sounds complicated. But I think her saying no was likely the best outcome?

She sounds toxic and you need to accept that she's not the mother you'd like her to be and never will be. The triumph of hope over experience, I think. I wouldn't put much into the relationship emotionally, if I were you, OP, she's always going to let you down.

That's not to say I think she's unreasonable to refuse to help if she doesn't want to, but the background of it all makes me think you'd be wise to keep her at arm's length for your own sake. And I doubt a disinterested granny would do anything for your dc's happiness, so they're best off with limited contact.

I think she feels a bit guilty sometimes but is still not willing to make the effort. Which is sad. It probs is for the best I just see our eldest has a good relationship with the inlaws and doesn't bother with my mother and I wanted it to be different with the girls and them to get to know her. I also think the closeness of my mother and my siblings has riled me as I know if they did have DC she would have them as much as she could :(

Sorry to pp but people really seem to trot out "toxic" at the drop of a hat.

I largely agree with the rest of what you've said but I think it maybe a particular set of circumstances rather than the person herself. It sounds like she never did much mothering with you - was she young when you were born, or in a bad place? What's the deal with your dad?

Could you say what you put about wanting the girls to get to know her in a conversation with your mum?

Thing is, agreeing to be available for 3:15 for all of your days off really restricts your options with what you do. She might want to visit a friend and not rush back.

Ywnbu to ask and she is nbu to decline.

Perhaps try to see more of her on the weekends if you're looking to forge a relationship rather than get free childcare?

Your feelings are perfectly understandable. It sounds as if she let you down/ neglected you as a child while making much more effort with your brother and sister.
I guess you feel rejected again on your children's behalf.
I would back off from the relationship as she sounds like a difficult woman and not a very caring mother.

Thanks everyone. Yes my mother was young when she had me and she got an easy life as my grandparents just took over I guess and let her carry on as before.
My relationship with my dad is even more distant we don't talk at all. If I see him I may get a nod in my direction if I'm lucky and he's not glued to the television or head in a newspaper lol.

She refused saying she only has one day off through the week and I was being selfish asking

Considering her history, I can't believe she could say that with a straight face.

In all honesty, I wouldn't try and forge a relationship with her, and I certainly wouldn't subject my children to her toxicity. You're all just going to end up disappointed.

Why can't your oldest child do that one hour if looking after younger siblings?

I just about trust my eldest looking after himself. He's quite immature I have nipped out before to take my younest to rainbows or to the shop and left the 10 year old and teenager at home and actually said to the 10 year old 'your in charge' . I wouldn't leave them for more than 15 mins alone with him as there would be a fight/fire or something

tbh if I was a grandmother and had one day off a week and my dd asked me to look after my gkids I would not do it regularly.
I would probably pay for those 90 min with somebody else and occasionally picked up kids myself.

You have to remember that there may be a reason she needs that day off. Regardless of her favouring your siblings.

I am more annoyed/upset that she doesn't want to spend any time with her grandchildren not that I have to pay childcare.

Thats not what she said though. She said she didnt want to provide regular childcare. Not she doesnt want to spend time with them.