This is annoying me, but.....................................

[saltire]

I can't help but have a suspicion that I'm getting annoyed about nothing!

BIL and SIL and their two DSs live about 20-30 minutes drive from us. We very rarely see them, DH and I not overly fond of SIL, and BIL never bothers to keep in touch with his own brother.
MIL visits them EVERY 6 weeks, as SIL is a hairdresser, and she gets her hair donw. She has also been up odd times in between the 6 weeks to babysit, or help BIL re-decorate etc. MIL and step PIL have been in our house twice in the last 12 months, they had 4 days in April last year and weren't back until Christmas. When she does come up she always gets here late because she has popped in to see BIL and his family, and she always leaves early so she can pop in and see them. She says it's "too far" to pop up and visit us for the day, and even when she is at BILs she won't even pop up for an hour.

Anyway, she texted me this morning to say "thanks for the flowers, I'm on my way to Edinburgh to pick up X and Y (BIL's DSs) as their dad is working tonight and thier mum is having a party. We are then taking them back home tomorrow". So I texted back anf said "Why don't you and step PIL pop up for an hour when you are at BIL's tomorrow, it's mother's day, and I'm on my own and the boys would love to see you". Her reply
"It's too far, and we need to get back for work", yet I know they will be at BIL's until at least 6pm. Now this is really starting to annoy me, especially since we are moving to the south coast of England soon. It's annoying me that she spend so much time with BIL and his wife, it annoys me that she is so close to where we live yet won't even pop up for an hour, and it annoys me that DH won't say anything.
I was going to reply to her last text and say "Oh well I'll spend the day on my own then. X and Y are really lucky they get to see so much of you". I know though it will cause problems as she will say something to DH and he is already annoyed at how critcal he thinks I am towards his family. Sorry this long but it has really annoyed me all day,. and I think i just need to know that I'm not being unreasonable.

I would just thank your lucky stars you don't have to see her, she sounds like she should be in a coven

Go out, buy her some chocs - eat them yourself, you'll feel tons better!!!

Yes, you're right tinkerbelle, she should be in a coven along with SIL. However she has 4 grandchildren not just 2, and she has 2 sons not just 1.

similar story.
i lived on SAME STREET s MIL as did DH's 2 other brothers. she never bothered with me or my children her youngest son and his children clearly favourtie - she would pop in to see them, she never charged my then SIL to look after her children - yet she charged me and we were working at the same place!

years of what i consider to be backseat intolerable cruelty to my children, cant afford bithday or xmas presents for mine but could for the others " they were younger, yours would unerstand kind of statements - they were 5 &8 fgs.

anyway we too moved to south coast. now dh is missed very much. dh never goes to see them, he cares for them as they are his parents, however he never goes out of his way for them.

the moral of the story is, perhaps when you move and you dont try to contact her, distance may make the heart grow fonder. Choose who you want to be close to you in your life. choose them carefully. don't surround yourself or your children with poisenous people, whener they are being deliberatley poisenous or neglectfully poisenous makes no mind. and family are very much included.

On the other hand would you want her there all the time?

My SIL has only met my DD twice and each time she stuck around for about twenty minutes before saying 'must get back to...(I forget what she has a sad life so I don't bother listening but it was prob. draining her dog's anal glands)

They prob hate you because you are a better parent and person

Rise above the chaff (or should that be chavs)

Saltire, I get this in a very similar way only we don't tend to find out that a visit has been made to others until after sometimes it slips out or you realise from things that they all seem to know. I am gradually learning to not feel left out. Had put it down to me being the fat one but now wondering if it's just them and nothing to do with me as I always go out of my way to help or make them welcome when they bother to include us. Keep wanting to not be available but DH would think me the petty one. Don't know if he feels hurt by it but just hides it which I think any darling son must feel or whether he just doesn't mind.

tinkerbelle, I wouldn't want her here all the time, but I think that a total of nine days in 12 months is ridiculous, considering she is just under 2 hours drive from us, and makes regular trips to see BIL and the witch, who as I said are only 20-30 mins drive from us.

Lordie! if only this were my problem!

I tend to agree with Custardo, see a little less of her and I think she'll come round.

One thing though I'd make sure you keep up the relationship (as best you can without putting yourself in a position to be hurt) if only for your childrens sake - she is after all their grand mother.

Your children aren't stupid I'm sure they see it too but people can change or even reasons for what seems like crazy behaviour can come to light allowing situations to be resolved.

Maybe when you move to the south coast she'll come an stay for a couple of days at a time and all this hurt will blow over.

perhaps your dh doens't say anything because he s more hurt than he wants to admit?
his mum after all...

This is crazy though.

Your heart is SO in the right place. It's not as if you don't want to see her, you do.

Why can't this be talked through?

With MIL not dh, I think he could be hurt by it all as the previous post said.

Don't get me wrong, his mum annoys the hell out of me about 80% of the time. However I just can't shake the feeling of being annoyed by the whole thing. Up until April last year she would visit uite often, then from April through to december she never visited once, but was regulalry at BILs house. I did wonder if she was in huff with me, as DH was away last April and I fogot to send her a birthday card as i was very ill - my mum was up visitng and iwas bedded for almost 2 weeks.
Maybe you are right about DH being more hurt than he lets on, but if i ever say anything all he says is "well I'm not bothered so why are you", or "here we go again, moan moan moan about my family"

No, my dh would say the same thing "Don't worry about them, I'm not bothered" It's the same as saying "they're not worth it"

Do you & DH ever visit your SIL & BIL??? Maybe if you did then you vould text back & suggest you pop over tomorrow when they are there?? That way she can't say you don't go half way??

Custardo what you said makes so much sense to me. I really agree with what you said about choosing who to surround yourself with. I get on well with my in-laws but I don't think they see our children enough and it was only a few weeks ago when I was in agony with mastitis (ds was about 5 weeks then) and dh had just had a vasectomy (the day before) and was in pain and we asked them to come and take the older 2 kids out for a couple of hours so we could rest but they couldn't because she had a cold .

Whereas my parents go out of their way to help in any way they can and had the 2 older ones that night when we were both unable to cope. Both our parents are young, mine are 48 and 49 and his are 55ish and his are fit and visit the gym many times a week. Makes it feel even worse as my dad is a wheelchair user and my mum is his carer and so does bascially everything for him and they both still make time for their grandchildren.

Sorry to rant so much on your thread saltire, getting that off my chest really helped though.

Makes me realise how much I love my parents and am so grateful to them for how they are, they really are wonderful people who I aspire to be like.

Forgot to say that when mil had the cold that stopped her taking our kids out she still went out shopping and to get the tyres checked on the car as they were driving over to Holland to see her daughter, husband and children.

She will lose out in the end. My MIL seriously favours dh's sister and her daughter. She has the daughter to stay virtually on a weekly basis but has never had any of my boys. She very rarely visits us despite living a 10 minute drive away, but is always with SIL, etc.

However, now the boys are older, this is counting against her. I met her in the school playground on Friday - she was collecting SIL's daughter from school (never done that for me either). DS3 came out of school, by which time I was standing about 10 feet away from MIL as I needed to speak to someone. I pointed out MIL to DS3 and he merely waved. I had to suggest that he go and give her a cuddle. Now, if it had been either of my parents standing there, he would have rushed straight over to cuddle them.

The boys notice these things and MIL is the eventual loser.

As I though, he just said "I don't know why you're getting bothered, I'm not". When I told him about the text messages his mum had sent me

When I said though that DS1 had asked me why Nanny and Papa never come to see them anymore, he didn't say anything. DH is very much a keep the peace at all costs type of person, where his family are concerned. His dad and step mum are just as bad, but he won't ever say anything to them

Since i started this thread a couple of weeks ago there have been ome developments. I am finding it increasingly hard to hold my tongue and yet I know it will upset and annoy DH if i say anything. On saturday past the DSs and i were in town which is 3 miles from where we live and roughly the same distance from BIL and SIL's house. We were in a cafe when i saw MIL, Step PIL BIL and SIL and their 2 boys walk past. They didn't see me, and my DSs didn't see them either. Now this is the MIL who told me that she couldn't come up for an hour on Mother's Day (when she was at BIL's) because it was too far, but can visit the town near me!. So that's 2 weekends on the trot she has been up to them. Then DH phoned her on Sunday night, and i thought he would say something but he didn't mention it. He told her we were going to mymums for a couple of days at Easter and we would pop up and see them. She said they are going to BIL's for Easter, and ha dhoped that we would go and visit them there. Still he never said anything. They are supposed to be coming to us at the end of April, and DH asked what day she was coming, "It was supposed to be the Friday but we want to go into BIL's and see them on the way up so it will be the saturday, but expect us late because we will havour tea there".

I am getting so bloody wound up by this but DH won't say a word, he keeps saying "Let's just keep the peace". Even when MIL slags off PIL and step MIL for never visitng her never says anything. I feel better now, i needed to get that off my chest