To feel sorry for my stepson

[SuperMum1900]

My husbands son is 17 years old, dh had him with his the girlfriend at the time, they had split up before he was born. Dh remained in his life and has always had shared access with him. However from the age of 9 to 16 he has lived abroad. Contact remained but contact gradually eroded. Since being back in the uk dh was eager to resume 50:50 contact. Dss visits weekends and holidays, we currently supposed to have him for this week during half term. In this time stepson was abroad dh has met and married and joined my family with a son and a daughter of the same age group. Dh has struggled with his son since his return, he really does try but he just doesn't know how to act around and ends up acting in a biazzare way towards him. He will suggest one on one activities but dss will decline to do them. Dh finds it hurtful and he says he feels rejected by his son. This is very different to his relationship with my son with them getting on very well.

I'm not going to beat around the bush, stepson can be very awkward around here at times. He seems to have friends but would never have them around and will decline everything offered from me and dh, dh offered to give him a lift into London to meet his friends, he declined and got the train. He is very private and will not share anything with dh. He will often go for long runs and just dissapear in the afternoons.

Anyway I'm posting today because we went up the school to discuss university. My son and stepson are at the same school.

Dh had a argument with his son following this. Dss wants to do a degree in theology and something to do with the Abrahamic religions. Dh said he was concerned that dss would get into debt from uni and that he would not be able to get a job following uni.
I stayed out of the argument but dh said that he should do law. It wasn't a terrible argument no one shouted and certainly wasn't aggressive. I did intervene and stood up for dss.

I just want to find away to help mend their relationship not that it is necessary unbroken just I think currently the relationship is hurting dh and hurting dss.

He doesn't bring up his step dad much. That is highly likely because he feels conflicted loyalties.

IMO it is probably best to keep things very much in the present moment, take things one event, weekend, family gathering at a time. Don't try to rush things, sometimes consistent and understated presence is far more stabilising than grand gestures.

Not for a moment am I suggesting that is what you and DH are doing. But there is a tendency to try to over-compensate. Then rejection feels all the more painful, because of putting your heart and soul into things.

iow, if you can expect very little, anything that is received positively will be a bonus

He doesn't bring up his step dad much. That is highly likely because he feels conflicted loyalties.

So he may consider stepdad to be the father figure since he has grown up with him regularly. In all honestly I think that may well be true, I think having been with stepdad regularly and having half siblings and other siblings you see regularly as well means he is probably more involved with his family on mums side than us. I think this upsets dh tbh I think the move upset dh as well, because really the move is the reason this all occurred.

*IMO it is probably best to keep things very much in the present moment, take things one event, weekend, family gathering at a time. Don't try to rush things, sometimes consistent and understated presence is far more stabilising than grand gestures.

Not for a moment am I suggesting that is what you and DH are doing. But there is a tendency to try to over-compensate. Then rejection feels all the more painful, because of putting your heart and soul into things.*

Yes I think we are all ready doing that I think as well maybe we as a family have to move towards dss as well. I think it must seem pretty alienating moving from France to England to do A levels and starting at a high school in the UK. So maybe we also need to adapt at bit. But I don't think we are doing anything terrible because like posters have said he always comes here.

I think you and DH are doing all the right things in very difficult circumstances. One day your DSS will realise that. Carry on supporting each other emotionally, it can really take its toll.

I think you and DH are doing all the right things in very difficult circumstances. One day your DSS will realise that. Carry on supporting each other emotionally, it can really take its toll.

Thank you

Dh has acceapted about the university, he has been annoyed at dss today because we decided to go out as a family down to Brighton to see dh father his grandfather , dss didn't have any plans and hasn't seen his grandfather is over a year. Dh was quite annoyed by this and I had to talk to him about all the things said on here. But I think on this occasion dss should have come and was expected to come it was planned well in advance.

I'm very sorry to hear that you have had a bad experience today. I'm a stepfather and it can be hard to deal with issues relating to the other parents child and there parent. You sound like a fair and amazing stepmother who generally seems to want a happy inclusive home for all the dc.

From the thread I get the sense that your dss may be withdrawing from family entirely all but in visiting. He is testing your dh and tbh may not view him as a parental/authority figure simply because he wasn't around through no fault of his own. It sounds like and maybe I'm wrong you and your dh take a more liberal approach to parenting which he sees maybe that it's okay to be independent and have privacy. My parents wouldn't of let me not go on a family trip let alone one where a relative is involved.

Also you say that dss mother and stepfather are both French having lived in France for a long time. He would have assimilated into that family more because he moved abroad so was reliant on them and moving abroad is hard for such a young child.

I can only suggest as other posters have said that you all make sure he part of the family and that you are there for him.

Also has your dh met your dss stepdad is it possible that he has grown to associate fathers as being strict as he described him. Maybe he is taking out anger at his stepdad on your dh. I would look into that a bit more maybe.

Hope this helps.