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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - 11 and 7 year old being left alone

58 replies

BlueBlueElectricBlue · 26/05/2017 09:16

Struggling with this.

I know a single mum (rather not say how, not related, but I don't want to be outed), who is leaving her (just) 11 year old and her (just) 7 year old alone every week day after school until 8pm.

Just 11 year old is very sensible, just 7 year old is not.

She is leaving them to go to work as it's the only work she can find. I feel a lot of sympathy for her, no family support, difficult to find work, work doesn't pay well enough for childcare costs.

However, it feels a REALLY long time for her to leave them and she is going a way away.

I don't know how to tackle this at all. Or, in fact, if I should. FWIW her background is very different to mine and I get the impression that in her home country kids being left on their own is much less of a big deal than it is over here.

WWYD?

OP posts:

libbyliz83 · 26/05/2017 09:57

I'm sorry but if it were me I would be putting in a call to ss. I think being left alone for that long is a risk. If ss judges it to be ok then fair enough but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something happened to them and I'd known about the situation.

Original poster

BlueBlueElectricBlue · 26/05/2017 09:58

I know she doesn't have a neighbour that they can call on.

And yes, I have a lot of sympathy for her too. I feel like she's trying to do her best, but 5 hours everyday (basically all the time after school bar sleeping) feels a long old time.

I know people make compromises - my 11 year old is home alone for an hour before I get home, so I'm not trying to be superior. I just know it's happening, and it niggles at me.

OP posts:

LeninaCrowne · 26/05/2017 10:00

Whats the father doing in all of this - presumably he's fucked off and doing what he pleases.

Original poster

BlueBlueElectricBlue · 26/05/2017 10:01

He's not around at all.

OP posts:

Bangsheadontable · 26/05/2017 10:03

Speak to her. Calling the police/ss would be outrageous.

moreofaslummythanyummy · 26/05/2017 10:04

Personally before running off to school or ss I would offer support . Like others have said, you could be a point of contact, call round etc.
She clearly wants to provide for her children and I don't doubt she has looked at every option before making these arrangements.
I feel so sorry for single parents they are constantly criticised, perhaps we should all try to be a bit more understanding.

AstrantiaMajor · 26/05/2017 10:06

My view is that the 15 hours she works probably makes a huge financial impact on their life. Take that away and what has anyone gained?

I am from the generation where we were left to our own devices from a very young age, in homes that were a lot less safe than today's houses. Coal fires and cooking for ourselves from primary age was very much the norm for many of us.

It is not perfect but there is no answer to the problem.

Witchend · 26/05/2017 10:07

I think it does depend on the children.

Dd1 is very sensible, and good in a crisis. She was fine at 11 to look after dd2-who wasn't sensible, but listened to dd1.
DD2 was very proud of being able to stay with dd1, so (at that point) they were very safe together. We had neighbours that would have helped out if they'd knocked, and I always had a list of phone numbers of people who lived close that would have rushed round if necessarily.
I never left them that long though, but I don't think they'd have found it a problem. I suspect dd1 would have even cooked dinner if I'd asked her to.

Notalotterywinner · 26/05/2017 10:15

Me and my Dsis were left alone a lot due to our parents jobs, DF was a policeman working full shift pattern and DM worked as a college lecturer so had lots of evening classes.

From a very young age, my earliest memory is about age 5, we walked home from school, let ourselves in, ate a light tea (never cooked or even allowed to use the kettle) and just watched tv or played etc. In hindsight this was neglect from my parents, we were sworn to secrecy about it so they knew that it was wrong, and being at home without adults wasn't nice, it felt different, not warm and loving and we were quite anxious, couldn't relax.

As for WWYD can you suggest after school clubs? maybe offer to help one evening? or is there a responsible teen in your circle that might offer some babysitting for a small charge? just to break it up? What is the plan for school holidays? (School holidays were fantastic for us as DM had similar holidays to us).

Kokusai · 26/05/2017 10:17

I don't think it is great for an 11 year old to be left until 8pm every day, not even including the younger one. It is too long.

RedSkyAtNight · 26/05/2017 10:19

Being left after school to bedtime (at least for the 7 year old) every single weekday is just too much. When do the DC have time to talk to their mother about their day at school/what's bothering them at the moment? Who helps them with homework?

I'd question whether the financial advantage of a job that doesn't even cover childcare is really worth the negative effect on the DC.

ALittleMop · 26/05/2017 10:28

She is probably being forced into taking this or any job in order to keep the benefits available to her.

Is she not working enough hours to get any help with childcare (if you could even find it for these tricky hours).

It depends on the children, how confident they are and their relationship with each other too.

EsmereldaMargaretNoteSpelling · 26/05/2017 10:29

This is quite a hard one. For me it boils down to the length of time - five hours every single day is just too much. Ninety minutes to an hour would be an absolute limit for me on a daily basis for children of that age, and ideally not daily for that matter. I think I would have to ring an agency for advice in these circumstances.

Notalotterywinner · 26/05/2017 10:36

Is there no jobs that she could in the daytime? Does it have to be evening?

ALittleMop · 26/05/2017 10:47

I'd question whether the financial advantage of a job that doesn't even cover childcare is really worth the negative effect on the DC.

Is there no jobs that she could in the daytime? Does it have to be evening?

Have you any idea how out of touch you sound?
It's clearly the only work she can find. And work she must or she'll probably face sanctions.

Original poster

BlueBlueElectricBlue · 26/05/2017 10:51

Yeh - that's the problem. It's not easy for her to get work, so I see why she wants to cling to it. I don't know much about her financial situation at all though, so wouldn't like to speculate, but it's not easy to find low paid work with an employer who's prepared to fit in with what is convenient for you.

OP posts:

Original poster

BlueBlueElectricBlue · 26/05/2017 10:57

This is quite a hard one. For me it boils down to the length of time - five hours every single day is just too much.

In hindsight this was neglect from my parents, we were sworn to secrecy about it so they knew that it was wrong, and being at home without adults wasn't nice, it felt different, not warm and loving and we were quite anxious, couldn't relax.

I think these posts sum up a lot of what I feel. I don't think it's particularly healthy (it's the 11 year old I'm fretting about), as it doesn't allow for them to get a lot of relaxing time in. I'm not a parent who believes that children shouldn't have some responsibility, but I do feel like they need some time where they aren't being in charge IYSWIM. The 11 year old is starting to feel quite careworn I think.

And I know life isn't all shits and giggles, and I know their mum is making hard choices, and actually, there's loads of love there, so I kind of hate the thought of agencies.

There isn't a lot I can do practically at the moment. I'm having to make a lot of adjustments/compromises in my life at the moment as I've had a life-changing event in the last few weeks. Up until then I was helping, but that was v draining for me and meant I got no time with my DD.

OP posts:

RedSkyAtNight · 26/05/2017 11:16

And work she must or she'll probably face sanctions.

When I was last unemployed (not that long ago) the Job Centre made allowances for the fact of needing childcare i.e. that I'd need to find a job within "normal" hours. I certainly wasn't obliged to take "any job" that would leave me with no one to look after my DC.

requestingsunshine · 26/05/2017 11:30

She obviously knows her children and knows that the 11 year old is sensible enough to look after the 7 year old. Its not like shes out all evening and night, she is back in at 8.30. I know plenty of 11 year olds that can babysit younger siblings with no issues.

I think all you can do if offer to be an emergency contact for them. Reporting them to anyone would just be wrong.

BlurryFace · 26/05/2017 11:56

Would the family be better off with SS involved? Foster care is hardly a walk in the park especially when your parent actually loves you and does look after you as best they can. I would scour the job listings for any kind of work she might be able to do that has better hours and try to help with any CV writing.

Somerville · 26/05/2017 12:01

I know someone doing this at the moment, too. The benefit cuts are so harsh, we're going to see more and more of it.

CrazedZombie · 26/05/2017 12:01

If the mum wasn't single I'd be wondering if we knew the same family. The mum was reported to SS and changed her work hours.
It's unfair to ask an 11 year old to look after the 7 year old for 4 hours a day. I wouldn't leave the 11 year old home alone for so long anyway.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 26/05/2017 12:09

How sad for both the Mother and the two children. I personally feel that this is neglect, children of 11 and 6 will be hungry for a hot meal long before their Mother gets home. What happens if they get fed up with toast or cereal and attempt to cook something else? The potential implications are horrendous!

My ex neighbour confided that before moving in next door to me, she had lived in a tenement flat in the City. She and her partner were going out shopping and her eleven year old daughter didn't want to go with them. They left her at home, told her not to answer the door if anyone knocked and not to answer the phone unless it was from them. Unfortunately for them the flat underneath theirs went on fire whilst they were out. The daughter was terrified and didn't know what to do, luckily a neighbour had seen them go out without their daughter and warned the firefighters who were able to save her! My neighbour as a result was in a LOT of trouble with social services. She almost lost custody which is saying something as her ex husband was a seriously twisted individual!

My point is that whilst if you report her now she might get in trouble, she also might get support! However if you don't report her then something tragic may happen, leaving her in big trouble as well as possibly losing custody/losing her child depending on what had happened. I couldn't live with myself knowing that I had known and not done anything.

mirime · 26/05/2017 13:10

Rescuepuppydaft2 I was left at home alone occasionally from the age of 7, usually if I was off school ill and my mum needed to go to the shops. I'd guess she was usually out for about an hour and a half. There were the usual rules and instructions about opening the front door, answering the phone etc. - and also what to do in an emergency.

Surely at 11 your ex-neighbours DD should have had some idea what to do in an emergency? I had a full escape plan by 11!

LovelyBath77 · 26/05/2017 14:08

It's a shame if the mum would be entitled to childcare and wasn't aware, or could work fewer hours and might be OK, maybe she needs a benefits check? The CAB could do one OP. Maybe could suggest it?

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