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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to move away from my adult children?

25 replies

user1471437832 · 25/05/2017 23:06

I'm divorced, on the verge of retiring and live in London. One of my children still lives with me and is at university. The others live nearby, one married and the other with a partner. We are all close but busy - apart from the child at home I only really see the others once every 2 - 3 weeks.

When I retire I would like to move out of London, to live with my partner in the Home Counties - not very far away but admittedly a couple of hours by car. However, the children are dead against me moving and seem to see it as a rejection of them, or choosing my partner rather than them. They do like my partner very much. I think they just like the idea that I am close by if they need me. As I would be moving in with my partner I would keep my London property so the child at home could still live there, and of course I would be coming back to visit regularly.

I don't want to hurt the children, especially as the divorce and the loss of the family home was very hard for them, but I think my plan is perfectly reasonable. Am I wrong?

OP posts:

StillMedusa · 25/05/2017 23:19

No YANBU. They are adults and you are entitled to your own life and happiness.
Imagine it the other way round.. your eldest says she is moving 2 hours away, and you throw a paddy and say they can't reject their mother like that. Sounds ridiculous doesn't it?!
The fact that you can keep your London property.. pop back whenever you need to and your Uni aged child (adult!) has a place to live... is more than many could ever hope for!

I don't expect my adult children to have to live near me, and nor do they expect to have me close by..modern life means travelling is easy.

For comparison, My mum did a similar thing.. I was already married but my brother at 24 was still at home when she decided to retire to Bournemouth... 130 miles away. We got over it :) In fact, I'm in Oxford, DB is in London and we meet once a month in London to catch up. You could easily do that...and they will adjust!

hellokittymania · 25/05/2017 23:20

Hi there user,

Could you maybe reassure them that you will still be around if they need you my mother lives a 24 hour plane ride or an eight hour plane ride away, depending on where I am. If I'm stuck in the kitchen and don't have a clue how to cook a burger, we Skype and she directs me on video. She is not very up-to-date in technology so doesn't have FaceTime or an iPhone. So we mostly use Skype. This could be an idea as well if your children really feel they need you. It's much easier being able to see somebody on video.

Will they still get to see their dad on a regular basis? Are there any other relatives nearby?

Mumchance · 25/05/2017 23:22

I think it's pretty odd your adult children feel they get a say in where you retire, though it's nice they like to have you close. No, yanbu, of course.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 25/05/2017 23:25

YANBU at all.

What if one of them needs to relocate to the other end of the country due to work? Do you and their siblings have to tag along too? When your child at university finishes, are they limited in job choice based on where the rest of the family lives? What is sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. They get to live where they want, you get to live where you want.

Upanddownroundandround · 25/05/2017 23:31

No, I think you need to be quite clear to them that you need to live your life as they are theirs. They (presumably) don't run every decision they make past you first for your approval as they are adults with partners and the same goes the other way round. You do not need to run decisions past them.

The only exception I would make is to see if your child that lives at home with you is ok with you moving out. I personally would just want to be sure that they would happy living alone in your London home as not everyone is happy to do this. The other two DC don't get a say as far as I can see. You have raised them then they move on, that's life.

Tapandgo · 25/05/2017 23:48

Not unreasonable at all. They will have a new place to visit, know their mum is happy and see her when she visits - can't see a problem.

smellycoat · 25/05/2017 23:54

Today I was feeling sad that my children live so far away, and I live so far away from my mother too.
I brought up my children to feel it was normal to leave home, and now they have blown across the country like thistle down in the wind.

Agoddessonamountaintop · 25/05/2017 23:55

Have you asked them why they're against it? I assume you don't have grandchildren yet? How long is it since the divorce? Why would you want to leave London? < misses point >
Could you wait until the youngest has finished uni and is settled?

ScarlettFreestone · 26/05/2017 00:01

aGoddess why does she need to wait until the youngest finishes Uni?

This is an adult we are talking about!

OP this isn't your DC's business. Reassure them by all means but make your own decisions.

RoseandVioletcreams · 26/05/2017 00:01

Op I don't think your being unreasonable however - I have found dc move and ebb closer and further from dp at various ages. Do you have GC yet?

When you get much older do you want your dc to be closer to you and visit you....i totally think you should do what will make you happy however....being old and alone is fact and reality for many...

kateclarke · 26/05/2017 00:02

I agree that you should live your own life. However don't expect them to make their lives worse so you can make yours better.

My mum is moving 2 hours away and expects me to travel to see her frequently and carry on caring for her and doing her jobs.

IMO you can't have it both ways.

Crispsheets · 26/05/2017 00:07

Go and have your new life!!!

babyblackbird · 26/05/2017 00:13

YANBU, it's your life, you do what you want. I assume your children wouldn't take kindly to being told where they can / should live and neither should you. I have sisters in law who cannot stand on their own two feet ( although parents in law have relished being " needed" ) but it drives me and dh to distraction how much they rely on and assume help will come from pil

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 26/05/2017 00:16

I wouldn't say you're being unreasonable, but I'm nearly thirty and I would be devastated if my mum moved away. I love being close to her.

RoseandVioletcreams · 26/05/2017 00:19

but baby its a two way street surely?

Its all very well talking about standing on own two feet when you get old, that becomes very hard and then who do you have to care for you if you cant buy in home help....

when you get older you need your family near you - if you all get on and love each other.

Hidingtonothing · 26/05/2017 00:24

I have really mixed feelings about this, on one hand I can totally see the POV that parents have a right to a life once the kids are grown but I have seen first hand that it can end up doing much more damage to the relationships than you anticipate.

DH's parents moved away not long after we got together, he'd moved back in with them after his divorce and was still struggling to get back on his feet but he was totally supportive of them living their own lives and wished them well. We helped them move, rang them lots and visited often to begin with and everyone seemed happy. But then life took over a bit, DH got made redundant and we couldn't afford to go as often, he was out of work for a while and our car got less and less reliable so the visits really dwindled.

DH started to notice then that they never called us, it was always us ringing them and, once we could no longer get to them, it meant we just didn't see them because they never came back here to visit despite promising they would before they moved.

It feels now like quite a bit of resentment has built up over the years, they seem immersed in their life and appear to have pretty much lost interest in us and the DC which I think is sad. I guess this is a cautionary tale really, not to let physical distance turn into emotional distance, DH was so close to them when we met and I know it hurts him that they seem to have lost interest in us completely.

AppleOfMyPie · 26/05/2017 00:25

YANBU. You'll be 2 hours away by car.

For perspective, my aunt emigrated to Australia when her youngest was 19 to live with her partner (both police officers) do the same in terms of keeping her house here for youngest dc to live in/have a base to stay when she comes to visit. No one begrudged this.

It's your life, live it how you want!

BoldKitties · 26/05/2017 00:28

No, you are absolutely not being unreasonable. I live very close to my parents and yes, I love it. But if they wanted to move away, I'd wholeheartedly encourage it. I'd miss them, but they've spent years raising, loving, and making sacrifices for my siblings and me (and we all lived at home until mid-twenties so they had many years of it). They aren't retired yet but when they are I'll support them in doing whatever the feck they want. They deserve to make themselves happy. It's their turn now.

DP and I don't yet have children (not for the want of trying, and looking less and less likely) and yes, if we ever manage it I'd love to have my folks only a few minutes away. But if they wanted to move, even to the little retirement home in Italy that my father dreams of, I'd encourage it.

You'll only be a couple of hours away. You can still be a big part of their lives. They can visit you often. You can visit them. There's Skype, Facetime, WhatsApp. You aren't moving to the other side of the world. Heck, my sister is on the other side of the world and it hasn't changed our relationship. Okay, I miss physically seeing her, but we witter on all day on WhatsApp just as we did when she lived much closer .

Go and enjoy your life with your partner!

Agoddessonamountaintop · 26/05/2017 00:30

Scarlett I just think it could possibly seem like abandonment, for want of a better word. Okay, a student is over 18, but presumably closeness to their mother is one of the reasons for not going away to university.

ScarlettFreestone · 26/05/2017 00:37

Not going away to Uni is generally to do with either:

Proximity to a university of choice
Cost based.

TBH I'd think they might be quite pleased to have the home to themselves.

I don't think that the children shouldn't be allowed to be a bit sad, but given that they are adults I think that they should nod, smile and keep their mouths shut.

Original poster

user1471437832 · 26/05/2017 00:43

Thank you everyone for your comments and I'm glad that on the whole they back up my thinking. The ones that are really giving me pause for thought are the ones saying how sad it is not to be close to one's family and especially Whattodo saying she would be devastated if her mum moved away.

I don't have grandchildren yet and I am sure that when I do I will want to (and be expected to!) help quite a bit. I can see that if I move I will need to establish a regular visiting routine and communication to ensure that we can all continue to be close.

(Why leave London? I want a garden, more space, less traffic, less pollution, more money, no tube, access to countryside.)

OP posts:

Hidingtonothing · 26/05/2017 00:52

Also, having now read the last couple of posts, I do wonder if DH's parents have thought about being so far away if they should need any help as they get older and it worries me how DH would handle it if they did.

We've both always felt strongly that we would want to care for our parents if the need arose so I know DH will feel horribly guilty if they end up needing paid care purely because he's not close enough to help.

Part of me (selfishly) worries that he will end up taking on heaps of travelling back and forth if/when the time comes that they can't manage alone, and about the impact that will have on him and our family life. They're mid 60's now and just about to downsize, we hoped for a second when they told us they were moving that they might be coming home but they're looking for somewhere smaller where they are.

I want to point out that none of what I've said is about us needing them, we don't need childcare or money or anything like that, we just miss them and would like them to be closer, or at least to make the effort to keep in touch with us.

ScarlettFreestone · 26/05/2017 00:58

Having a good relationship isn't about physical location it's about how good your communication skills are and how much effort you put in.

RoseandVioletcreams · 26/05/2017 00:58

I do wonder if DH's parents have thought about being so far away if they should need any help as they get older and it worries me how DH would handle it if they did.

^^ well there was a thread on here the other day about london - dh wants to move closer to his elderly DP, they were thinking of downsizing and moving to less nice house to be near his dp to take care of them!

The only point I am making is - while its all still rosey now...moving away ....dc still visit....will you be able to cope possibly alone and no visits when your old and vulnerable.

I am very much thinking of moving to a more desrible area when I am older so my dc have an extra impetus to visit me/us Like.....London, or somewhere by the sea....or a great town.

Shewhomustgowithoutname · 26/05/2017 01:02

A major question for me is that you are going to join your partner in this place that is 2 hours drive away. The adult children are not happy with this. You are still providing a home for the adult child in education which is more than you are obliged to do. If you were to give up the chance to move to presumably your partner's house would your adult children, one married one with partner, give up their relationships to sit round the fire with the old mum every night? I would doubt that.
I am in the position of having adult who moved a distance away but under 1 hour drive, they do not wish to live in my area. I see very little of the adults. I am unhappily living in my house and area but it was given all stories why not to move 2 hours drive away. I waited said nothing but they do not give much company so I would rather live in an area of my choice than sit here alone most of the time where I do not want to be.
Word of caution though I find it a lot more lonely and isolating that I am a lone parent in the house alone. You have a partner now but what if that should change?
You are keeping on your house so you could come back at a later date. You chose what you want.

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