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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect an engagement ring?

15 replies

Mermaidinthesea123 · 25/05/2017 18:40

You might think I'm being daft but I've been married twice and divorced twice and neither husband ever bothered to get me an engagement ring.
I'm a woman of simple needs and never asked for anything but I feel really upset that nobody ever thought I was worth a nice ring.
I was married for 8 then 15 years and they both knew how important this was for me yet every anniversary went by and they didn't bother with either an engagement or an eternity ring.
They could both have easily afforded it but just couldn't be bothered.
Made me feel worthless.
Does anyone else feel the same way? It still upsets me now.

OP posts:
WrittenandGrown · 25/05/2017 18:41

Did you ask? I would have asked to be honest. People aren't mind readers and might have been under the impression that you didn't want one.

Dishwashersaurous · 25/05/2017 18:43

Well they are both exes so probably best to forget about it. Maybe think of it as symptomatic of communication issues

Patriciathestripper1 · 25/05/2017 18:45

Men are generally crap with things like this and probably never even thought about it.
Do what I did. Pop into jewellers and put 3 of your favourite rings to one side then tell him to go and pick one.
I doubt many men would actually get married if the woman didn't start to organise it.

Original poster
Mermaidinthesea123 · 25/05/2017 18:48

Yes I did ask, didn't demand. I said it was something that would mean the world to me. I said this a whole year before our 10th anniversary so he had time to save but got nothing.
I felt quite heartbroken by it.
I'd not even consider another proposal unless it was accompanied by a ring the size of a small car Smile.

OP posts:
ToddlerIs2 · 25/05/2017 18:50

I think perhaps it might be worth looking into counselling if this is the thing you're upset by because I reckon its much deeper issues about your sense of self worth xx

TheCakeScoffer · 25/05/2017 18:50

Yeah, i have been married nearly 30 years and have never had an engagement or eternity ring. If i asked for one specifically he would buy me one, i have no doubt about that but he wouldnt think to go and choose one himselfHmm i am not fussed about one though, i know he loves me totally, ring or no ringGrin

Didyoumeantobesorude1 · 25/05/2017 18:57

I understand. Despite massive hints my DH never bought me one. One year he hinted around birthday time that ruby rings were nice (by then I would have settled for a lump of coal stuck on a tap washer) - did a ruby ring appear?? did it fuck, I got the usual secondhand book in a carrier bag. I inherited my mother's beautiful diamond engagement ring and wear it all the time. Once I was asked what my most precious material possession was and I said it was my mother's ring, in front of him, but he still didn't, and still doesn't, get it.
I agree with you, don't accept a proposal unless accompanied by a nice ring; it's not the value of the thing it's the fact that they ought to WANT to give you something so nice.

Sn0tnose · 25/05/2017 19:06

I feel really upset that nobody ever thought I was worth a nice ring. I was married for 8 then 15 years and they both knew how important this was for me yet every anniversary went by and they didn't bother with either an engagement or an eternity ring.They could both have easily afforded it but just couldn't be bothered. Made me feel worthless

You married two men from whom you are now divorced. I would hazard a guess that their treatment of you may have more to do with why you feel worthless and that if they were lovely, caring partners, you wouldn't even be thinking about not having had a ring. Them failing to get you something that was incredibly important to you is not a sign that you are worthless. Assuming finances were good and they knew a ring was important to you, it's a sign that they weren't very nice or caring. It's not a reflection on you.

HerOtherHalf · 25/05/2017 19:13

Did you buy them a ring?

TathitiPete · 25/05/2017 19:14

I'm in a similar boat op, I found my engagement ring (although we picked our wedding rings together). I've detailed a ring I'd like him to get for me - I've drawn him some sketches too - which incorporates our two DCs birthstones. If he doesn't get off his ass and procure the ring after five years I'll just get it myself.

Original poster
Mermaidinthesea123 · 25/05/2017 21:03

I don't know any men who wear diamond engaement rings Herother half. However, I did buy them lovely items of jewellery that they wanted yes and their weddings rings as it happens.
I'm just having a mid divorce mope this evening after a shit day and asking myself why I wasted so many years on a pair of selfish idiots.
They can both sod off I have savings and I'm going to buy myself the fuck off expensive amethyst ring I've always wanted.
Business as usual Grin

OP posts:
LapinR0se · 25/05/2017 21:05

Yes buy yourself a fucking amazing ring. They can feck off

Original poster
Mermaidinthesea123 · 25/05/2017 21:08

My sentiments exactly LapinRose Smile

OP posts:
Rainybo · 25/05/2017 21:25

My STBXH never bought me the eternity ring he promised on various occasions, always hinting that he had on special occasions but never did. I found this really hurtful and cruel.

When I left him the first thing I did was save up and buy myself a bloody fantastic ring to remind me to always be true to myself.

EastMidsGPs · 25/05/2017 21:31

Didn't have engagement period or ring. Our wedding bands are pretty basic as well. It has never bothered me in 30 years of marriage DH did design a ring to commemorate us getting through something grim together. This means more than any engagement ring.
However, if an engagement ring is symbolic to you next time, insist Smile

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