DH has a female friend who he knows I disapprove of, and has become ever closer with over years since discovering this.
When there is a serious emotional situation DH turns to that friend and shuts me out. It makes me feel jealous and sick but I guess I can't morally protest now can I.
We haven't had sex except when TTC for 12 years (since friendship started more or less). No idea whether there is a physical affair with her but the closeness with her + the distance from me is enough that I am just nothing, nobody anyway. I go out of my way to never express jealousy, so beyond my initial expression of disapproval (which was ignored) there is no friction from me on this.
OK, so it's my bloody problem, I love DH and he's entitled to be close to who he wants to so I can probably deal with this forever, right, and grow up? Well I would agree, but here's the thing that really made me think:
Visiting (close) elderly relatives because one of them was ill I discovered a similar situation, just the other way around has been going on between them their whole lives.
This came out because when I went to visit her in hospital this man I have never met was sat there instead of her husband, then her husband walked in and sat (in the most distant seat) and the look on his face was sad, like he was being quietly, resignedly tortured. I asked him after we left and it all came out, he nearly cried and told me this contributed to his several mental breakdowns, he has never felt sure his children are his own and so on, but he loves her and marriage is forever, and he has felt tortured for many decades, lived a lie of being friendly and unconcerned, and simultaneously felt like a terrible person for it the whole time.
I went back later to speak to her, asked about and got an explanation from her which was basically that she wishes she had married the OM years ago.
I am hopefully not got MH issues and can bury this more easily but I recognized his feelings, and it was a scary thing to imagine a lifetime of this stretched out before me and to hear that it was all a total, empty, waste of time, a shell of a marriage and a waste of 3 lives.
It's not me, and we have DC and DH probably couldn't get rid of me with tactical nukes if I haven't been driven away before now so I probably will never leave, but AIBU to keep thinking in moments "fuck it, I'm going to get in the car, and drive and drive somewhere, get a new job, new house, kids in a new school, free him, free me, free him from me and find love and happiness instead of spending the rest of our lives mired in bullshit"
I guess I am BU, but ffs I want to be happy and not feel like crap, and I certainly don't want to end up 80 years old having suffered all the way with a spouse who resents me for it.
I suppose it's just a whim. Still, somewhere sunny would be nice...