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AIBU?

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Original poster

To want more financial help from hubby

41 replies

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 16/03/2007 20:28

He clears over 2k a month, I get £500.

He pays all the bills. I buy food and put petrol in my car, pay for any clothes,shoes,hairdressing for me and dd.

I've had some extra expenses lately - laptop repair and 3 new tyres on my car. Which I paid for and he never offerred to help, although I didn't ask.

My £10 cheap replacement laptop lead I got off ebay is crap and keeps refusing to plug in. I have to hold it in with one hand most of the time. Just sat here crying that I can't afford £80 to get a proepr one from pcworld and hubby snaps "well don't get one then"!!!

he knows that garage has said I need £300 spending on new shock absorbers on the car and he knows I can't afford it. Again I haven't asked him to pay.

I feel guilty asking him because he did buy me my laptop and he has paid for my air fare to Uganda (I go next week, but its training not a holiday). It was my decision to leave work and retrain so I feel its my fault I have no money. But also feel pissed that the bills are only £750 a month so he has over 1k a month left in his bank.

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 16/03/2007 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rowan1971 · 16/03/2007 20:30

At the risk of being interfering, why don't you have a joint account?

Miaou · 16/03/2007 20:34

I am totally at your husband's attitude. It seems really bizarre.

I wish I had some good advice but I don't really - am very sorry though that you are in this position, his attitude stinks!

Original poster
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 16/03/2007 20:34

Hubby doesn't want a joint account as he jokes I willspend it all on shoes.

I am skint this month although I admit I bought some Birkenstocks. I have a feeling if I ask him for any money he will throw this back at me.

He occassionally makes snotty remarks about having to support me.

OP posts:
themildmanneredjanitor · 16/03/2007 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CuriousIncidentOfCatInNiteTime · 16/03/2007 20:37

just don't understand this way of living to be honest. one of our married couple friends do this and whenever we go out the conversation is "well i payed for coffees yesterday so it's your turn to buy drinks" They've been together 10 years FFS!

Sorry not helpful to your situation but I think you need to talk about this with your DH as it is obviously leading to resentment and that won't be good for your relationship.

Cappuccino · 16/03/2007 20:39

joint account

each get an equal amount of money for shoes etc

everything else comes out of joint

it is not his money it is the family's money

cannot believe people who are married with kids don't get this

Cappuccino · 16/03/2007 20:40

do you work part-time?

do you bring up kids?

do you cook/clean/iron

oh yes he is supporting you

and you're doing nothing for the family at all

rowan1971 · 16/03/2007 20:40

Can understand separate accounts when you don't have kids, but when you do, it's weird IMO. Is any of your time spent at home with the kids instead of earning? If so, then he really doesn't have a leg to stand on.

hesta · 16/03/2007 20:43

agree with sentiments that your husband is behaving like a knob but you do have to sort this out. What were the arrangments before did you both contribute equally? is he pissed off that you are having the opportunity to do something different, especially if he isn't happy at work. I am not excusing his behaviour just saying that maybe something lies beneath it. I have been in the uncomfortable position of feeling like I have to justify everything I spend, spent many an night considering the financial benefits of becoming a sex line host, or a charging huge amounts of money to humiliate men (and get my kitchen cleaned at the same time perhaps....)anyway I digress. You have to talk to him about how this makes you feel

Original poster
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 16/03/2007 20:43

Maybe I'm been a bit harsh. I'm sure he'd help if I asked. I just hate having to ask as I get the feeling he resents me asking. But maybe that my guilt?

Mmmmmm, we probably do need to talk but to be honest I don't even feel I could bring it up. I know we have an odd relationship to say the least.

OP posts:
Original poster
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 16/03/2007 20:46

I work 35 hours a week, but am on an NHS bursary so income is pants. So I look after dd around my shifts when she's not at school. He does pay the childminder as well actually - so thats probably £150 a month.

OP posts:
hesta · 16/03/2007 20:46

all relationships are odd, asking for money is v hard and even tho i have a partner now who would help me out financially if I was stuck I still find it hard to ask and think he should just offer. mostly he would but doesn't think about it until i say. maybe you've got into a pattern of doing this and its so hard to change. you could leave this thread open for him to see.

Original poster
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 16/03/2007 20:47

When I was working we had a brief period where we both contributed equally as we were both working. Before that he didn't work for a couple of years and was a stay at home dad, so I paid the household bills.

But he did pay the entire mortgage off with his savings.

OP posts:
rowan1971 · 16/03/2007 20:50

I don't earn anything cos am a SAHM, so we're totally dependent on DP's income. Money's pretty tight, so I do feel guilty if I buy anything for myself, but DP dresses almost entirely out of charity shops and George at Asda, so it's the same for both of us. I agree that it's easy to get into a midset in which you 'don't like to ask', but surely the point is that you shouldn't have to ask - you're not a petitioner, you're his wife and the mother of his kids.

hesta · 16/03/2007 20:58

everyone does things differently, I have been a SAHM and am again now apart from some consultantcy work now and again. I have the added complication of having several children from previous marriage and one wiht dp. so his money supports my children. he maintains that this isn't a problem but i feel it is sometimes and get very defensive. once u get in this defensive position its difficult to move out of it, guilt resentment and 'you have it better than me' all kick in. how did you feel when you were the sole breadwinner, and how did your dh feel?

Miaou · 16/03/2007 20:58

I think that even the fact that you have to ask for money, and that you even think he might be pissed off for you asking, is not a good sign. As has been said, money earned by each of you should be "our" money, not his and hers. Being in the position of needing to ask is humiliating and demeaning for you.

I think you need to talk to him about setting up a joint account, into which you both pay money, to cover general household expenses (of which the car is one). Contributing to the running of a household is not just about how much money you pay in.

rowan1971 · 16/03/2007 20:59

Sorry, don't mean to be too strident. My relationship is a long way from perfect.

Cappuccino · 16/03/2007 21:00

oh really I don't care if you work more or less hours than him

you contribute equally to the family

a family imo runs like a business co-operative; you make joint financial decisions, you budget jointly

there is no 'his' and 'hers' money except an equal spending allowance

Original poster
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 16/03/2007 21:01

I was annoyed when I was the sole bread winner - but not about money. I resented the fact I had to go back to work leaving our baby with him.

He had/has much more earning potential than me but wasn't exactly looking for work. I feel I missed out on looking after DD.

OP posts:
rowan1971 · 16/03/2007 21:03

So it sounds like he doesn't really like being the main breadwinner? Maybe you're getting punished for 'forcing' him into work (as he might see it) - was he happy being at home with DD? Or doesn't like his job, as someone else has suggested?

Original poster
StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 16/03/2007 21:07

I think he does like his current job, just not the long hours. He probably was happy at home with DD. Seemed to be.

OP posts:
hesta · 16/03/2007 21:13

car defininitly is household expenses. Is he happy for you to drive around in a car with his child that needs work doing on it? money is often the hardest thing, and covers a multitude of sins! off to watch fame academy for comic relief. v sad I know.

helenhismadwife · 17/03/2007 14:55

what does he do with the money left in the bank?

I think he probably doesnt realise what is going on I think you need to talk to him about it

Tortington · 17/03/2007 15:00

i dont get it.

at all.

are you not all on the same boat? do you not contribute towards the future together as a family?

idont get it. i dont get it, i dont get it.

we dont have joint bank accounts, in the long term i am a merchant of doom. expecting the worst to happen sometime down the line.

but the money is our money as a family. when i get paid dh spends stuff i spend stuff - heck the kids spend stuff.

same when he gets paid.

so i dont get it. your ONE family.