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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Have I been unreasonable about wedding abroad?

24 replies

TheAngelIslington · 23/05/2017 15:49

A few months back my husband was invited to a wedding in Europe by a colleague of his. He was quite surprised to be invited as he and the colleague are not close, and don't see each other often (he works for a large City firm). We also didn't invite the colleague to our wedding.

We have had a fairly difficult year so far with infertility struggles and going through IVF. (As an aside, the wedding is scheduled for what will now be the weekend after our 'two week wait' although I didn't know this before).

He was keen to go to the wedding as some other colleagues he is closer to were going and they wanted to basically have an excuse for a big booze up in a foreign country. None of them have a particular interest in the wedding or seeing their colleague get married.

I said I thought that since he wasn't fussed about the wedding he shouldn't go, because it would cost a lot of money (flights, hotel, transport etc) for basically a glorified night out and we have already spent a LOT of money on the IVF this year (private clinic).

I would never say he couldn't do something and he does organise weekends away with friends and things which I have no problem with, but I just felt going abroad for essentially no reason was a bit much. I even said why not organise a night out with the colleagues he wanted to go drinking with here instead of abroad? Since that was all he was bothered about.

He RSVPd his apologies to the groom though he wasn't happy about it and is still going on about how annoyed he is about 'not being allowed to go'. This is about 6 weeks on. Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Nowthereistwo · 23/05/2017 15:55

He's being unreasonable. I would like to go to a piss up abroad but you have raised valid reasons why it's not reasonable even if it was a close friend let alone a colleague.

acquiescence · 23/05/2017 16:03

I think a little more information is needed about finances- could he/you afford it or not?

If it would be placing you into financial difficulties or debt than yanbu. If you are both good earners and he can afford I think yabu a bit. You will hopefully have a child soon and this sort of thing will not be as easy. I am aware of the stress that infertility can cause, I found that us both doing our own things and letting our hair down a bit was what got us through it. Obvioisly you wouldn't be able to let your hair down when he was away during the dreaded 2ww but you could plan something nice to take your mind off it.

EssentialHummus · 23/05/2017 16:06

I'm not sure. If you would be hard-up without the money this costs, YANBU. If you can afford it but aren't happy with the money going on this, I personally think YABU.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 23/05/2017 16:08

His priorities at this time need to be you and the ivf not a boozy trip away.

Not like he is 'grounded' for life. . .

McTufty · 23/05/2017 16:08

Were you invited OP?

Shoxfordian · 23/05/2017 16:10

If you could afford it then why shouldn't he have gone? Were you invited as well?

shinyredbus · 23/05/2017 16:13

not sure - so many factors to consider , is money an issue? were you invited (if not, is this why you were a little upset?) either way - i think he is being unreasonable to still be annoyed about it 6 weeks on, but perhaps it was a big deal for him to go - maybe to take his mind off the fertility struggles (sorry about this btw, and i hope it works out soon for you) Men just don't cope with certain struggles i think!

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 23/05/2017 16:19

I agree with acquiescence. If you comfortably afford the trip then I think he should go.

Hopefully you will have a DC within the next couple of years and doing things like this then will be so much harder.

In short, he should go while he can unless doing so leaves you struggling for money.

star0 · 23/05/2017 16:20

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. He should be there to support you during the 2ww. There's plenty of other times he can go on a boozy trip to Europe! Good luck with the fertility treatment, sending lots of baby dust your way :)

Bluntness100 · 23/05/2017 16:22

I also think it depends. If he can afford it he should go. Life's short and it sounds fun. If he can't afford it and it would cause uou financial difficulties he shouldn't go.

toomuchtooold · 23/05/2017 16:26

Jesus no YANBU. You don't even know for sure that it will be the 2ww - imagine your period comes late in the last natural cycle, that date could end up being collection day.

OP this might sound a bit OTT but are you sure you want to go through another round of IVF and possibly having a baby with someone who takes the hump about not getting to go off on a jolly during your IVF?

Goldfishjane · 23/05/2017 16:27

Cnfused
If he really wanted to go and it didn't cause any problems, he should have gone
But not sure from your post if there were any practical problems with him being away?

Doobigetta · 23/05/2017 16:28

If he wanted to go that much he should have argued the case at the time, or told you he was going whether you were happy or not. Declining the invitation and then whining about it as if you were his mother rather than an equal partner is childish.

Original poster

TheAngelIslington · 23/05/2017 16:32

I wasn't invited to the wedding but I'd never heard of the colleague till he mentioned his invite so I wasn't offended about that!

Technically we could afford it, as in we wouldn't go into debt if he went, but the IVF did really drain our savings (8K+) and (sorry, I didn't mean to drip-feed but I was worried my original post was already really long!) he has been on two 'boy's weekends' already since March, and is going to another wedding in Madrid in June (this one of a good friend from uni!)

It's helpful to see the differences of opinion though. I have been really stressed with everything this year so possibly I was being a bit unfair to him when normally I wouldn't mind!

OP posts:

picklemepopcorn · 23/05/2017 16:42

How many weekends away have you been on? If you said, fine go, we'll put the same money away for me to have a girly weekend as I'm stressed from all the ivf, what would he say?

EweAreHere · 23/05/2017 16:44

YANBY. He's being a big baby.

YoloSwaggins · 23/05/2017 16:48

YAB a bit U - why would you not let him go?

I don't think it's reasonable to ground someone and not let them go on holidays because you need support 100% of the time. Where does it stop?

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 23/05/2017 16:50

Saying pretty much the same as pickleme - do you get days/weekends away with your friends?

What's he like in life generally? Is he an equal partner who does his share, or does he expect that you'll do all the work and he'll have all the fun? Do you get money to spend on yourself, or does he take all the 'fun' money?

FeedTheSharkAndItWillBite · 23/05/2017 16:52

Well...

It depends. I think if you can afford a similar "treat" for yourself? Why not. (what ever kind of treat you like, doesn't need to be a weekend abroad).

I sometimes wish I had done more things like that before having DD1.

I think your reaction is understandable but so is his, yes.

GloriousGoosebumps · 23/05/2017 17:15

YABU if the cost wasn't a problem, particularly as his life is going to be very different once he's a father. Are you really complaining that dh is annoyed about 'not being allowed to go'?, because it seems really unfair that he's not even allowed to be unhappy about it!

Catherik · 23/05/2017 21:05

YANBU. I had multiple IVFs, and the 2 ww is awful. If it doesn't work the last thing you need is to be on your own while he goes off for a jolly. While they try, men cannot understand what their other halves go through during IVF, especially the 2 ww and frankly nor can people who haven't experienced it. He really should be around to support you either way. Good luck OP, sending you lots of baby dust! X

closephine85 · 23/05/2017 21:23

YANBU AT ALL. The 2ww after ivf is sheer mental torture, he needs to be there to support you. Those telling you yabu will not have been through it. Good luck for your cycle!

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 23/05/2017 21:31

So what he really means is 'We discussed it together and I agreed it was unnecessarily extravagant considering our current finances and situation but I'm too much of a baby to tell my mates the real reason so I'm blaming you for not "allowing" me to go'
Good luck with the IVF (hopefully he'll remember he's a grown up at some point)

HouseworkIsASin10 · 24/05/2017 12:58

He gets about a lot. Sounds like any excuse for a jolly.

What will he be like when the baby comes along. Is he ready to settle down?

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