To think this shouldn't have been played down by the teacher?

[diyno1elsewill]

My 11 year old ds came out of school yesterday saying he'd had a really bad day. When asked why he said he had been basically beaten up at playtime by two other boys the same age. He hadnt retaliated but said he had used a blocking technique taught to him from his after school martial arts class. He's shown me the move and it doesn't cause harm to others or himself. I asked him to tell me exactly what happened and there had been a disagreement and then these two boys had started pushing him and then punching him. He said it's ok mum they have been given red cards so can't play out tommorrow.
So as I was picking him up early anyway for an appointment I knew the headteacher was currently in reception so I nipped back in and asked her what had happened. I told her that my ds was upset that he'd had a bad day and has just told me he had been beaten up by two other pupils. I understood it had been dealt with already but as this is the first time anything like this has happened especially punching him with two students on one I was quite upset I hadn't been phoned about it.

The headteacher turned to my ds and said "that's a bit of an exaggeration saying you've been beaten up"
He said "ok not beaten up but they had both punched me and pushed me"
She said "but pushing and punching someone is a different to being beaten up"

From a child's perspective and also finding words to describe his day and what has happened to him surely this was the correct term and if he feels that it's what has happened to him at the time she shouldn't be questioning the way he's describe the incident. I don't know I was just shocked that she came across as saying that punching and pushing someone especially 2 on 1 was any different to being beaten up. He's not a violent or confrontational child whatsoever and from the sounds of things he was trying to calm a situation from his friend getting bullied. At the risk of being flamed for being over sensitive or something could I just have your opinions on this and thoughts please? I just hate that his turn of events seem to have been downplayed and because he hasn't come out with two black eyes that he feels what happened wasn't serious enough to be upset over. I hate to think what has been said to him after it happened he said he was very very upset and crying.

Horrid in your senario you're describing somebody who has been attacked. Being beaten up is the injuries or damaged state after being physically attacked. They aren't the same thing. Still wasn't right for the head to split hairs with the boy at the time.

im not denying there was an incident

he was attacked. he was bullied. he was pushed. they tried to punch him. agreed- school should deal with the matter

but he wasnt beaten up- he received no injury

but whats the point of worrying about semantics

He feels beaten up and he may have internal injuries. Did they hurt him internally op they may not have hit his face but what about his chest and stomach. Keep an eye on him.

Regardless of the words the head wants to use to describe this, one punch is one too many imo. If your son had not had the skills to block the blows then he could have been injured.

Don't be ridiculous. Would you still say that if it was a man doing that to his wife?

But this isn't the situation we are describing and trivialises domestic violence. it seems like a minor scuffle, in which no one was hurt and was dealt with appropriately by the school by keeping the two boys in over next breaktime.

No the teacher should have split hairs over his choice of words, but the op added to the drama by going to school over something relatively minor and had already been dealt with. What did you want the teacher to do or say other than 'there was an incident at breaktime, it was dealt with and a sanction given to the boys responsible.

Boysofmelody the point of me going back into school was to ask what exactly had happened and how it had been dealt with, how serious it was and why I wasn't called. Ds was clearly upset. It's not a minor scuffle as my son is never involved in scuffles he isn't a kid to go around playfighting or anything. He is very sensitive and I'm sick of school telling me that he needs to toughen up in front of him too. I'm sorry but he will be the first one to put his arms around another child to comfort them and make them feel better because he knows how it feels to be upset. He takes things said to him to heart and to be honest when he is getting in the car on the way home from school and asks me "are teachers allowed to call you pathetic" there is no wonder he is sensitive to remarks said to him. Telling him to toughen up goes against everything I believe in regarding mental health. They should at least refer to it as him need more self confidence, belief and esteem rather than basically telling him he's a wimp! Telling your children to treat everyone how you would like to be treated and then getting spoken to like this from your teachers of all people.

Plus any other time that my son has ever been in trouble they are soon quick to send me a text to say he's been placed on red. What's wrong with saying to me "well there's been an incident at school 2 boys bullying him but we want to tell you that he handled it all wonderfully" !?? There's just never any encouragement! Calling me in to say he's made a remark about someone having headlice when he was younger and yet he didn't even know what they were he's never had them. He was asking a genuine question that was taken out of turn. It's just the same old story all the time and I'm sick of it. Other pupils and parents have commented on what's a polite lovely boy he is and that their own child has witnessed the teacher seeming to deliberately target him when he's struggling in class. I've raised issues about dyslexia and constantly get pushed aside. It's never ending.

I'm sorry I don't think it is reasonable to expect a phone call when your son gets involved in a very minor falling out and gets pushed. I still think you are over dramatising this to a far greater degree than necessary and it probably isn't helping your son to turn every slightly unpleasant incident into a three ring circus and marching into school.

He is already over exaggerated the incident, he wasn't beaten up or anything like, he was pushed. They were hardly raining blows on him if managed to block every punch. Either that or he's a tiny Bruce Lee. He's doing himself no favours either as thanks to his exaggerating, the conversation then revolved him over exaggerating the incident rather than the incident itself.

I also wonder if he's trying to minimise his own role in the incident and escalating the falling out? Of course they shouldn't have shoved him, but some children specialise in goading other kids into lashing out and then running for the teacher to get them in trouble.

Given that you've mentioned that he's been kept in himself for bad behaviour, it doesn't quite square with him being the angel you describe him as.

Is he in yr6 or yr7? If it's the former, he will be changing schools anyway and as sats are over, not much learning till the end of the school year. You seem to be in the middle of a big drama about everything being wrong at the school.

Send your son to boxing classes they will teach him how to box and defend himself. That will help with his confidence in secondary school.

Is it bullying? Your last post, you say it's bullying. It may be. It is something that's repeated?

He's over exaggerating now simply because he's managed to block the punches?
This is really sad.
I don't blame the op for questioning the head.

No

He's exaggerating because he said he was beaten up when he wasn't. But his account of fending off multiple blows from people he claims were hell bent on causing him serious injury.

And because his mother is claiming he's being bullied, which he isn't (unless this is part of a pattern of behaviour from the same boys).

Gosh I don't think punching (or trying to) anyone is minor. I have never punched anyone in my life, nor have I been punched.

It's minor in the grand scheme of the world but not in the day to day function of any school I've come across (though I recognise I've only dealt with good state schools, not private or bad state).

I wouldn't expect the school to minimise this, and I would agree with hackmum

Punching is never minor. We've all heard the 'one punch can kill' line surely?

If I heard one of my kids had punched someone I would be absolutely devastated. No way would I minimise that by questioning the victims choice of words.

I'm not over exaggerating I'm going on what he's told me and at 11 years old his terminology might not be to everyone's agreement but in a nut shell he has been pushed and punched by two other boys how is that ok?? Are you who don't agree telling me that you find it ok for your child to be heartbroken that this would happen in a place that is supposed to be keeping him safe. It's all in the belief and context that it's absolutely ok be boys will be boys and boys fight. No he is no angel ! He isn't perfect as no child is and yes he's been in trouble before but never for hitting anyone especially part of a duo that punches and pushes another pupil. He's been in trouble for talking in class too much and such. Yes he is tiny and yes he's bloody good at his martial arts and that's because he's worked hard and enjoys it. Funnily enough if he started going because he asked to go so he could learn how to defend himself. When I say that he isn't a boy to go round playfighting and scuffling like "normal" stereotypical boys then would it help if I phrased it that most of the boys at school and these two in particular play rugby and football and when he's gone to a party before he didn't like how loud it was and rough and he said they kept swearing and he didn't want to join in. By no means am I saying there's anything wrong in boys who play rugby or swear or play football but to demoralise a child because he has a bit more of a sensitive personality which isn't wrong either I just think it's crap for a headteacher of all people to tell him to toughen up for high school. Why are us mothers still accepting that its stereotypical behaviour so it's ok? He's a big but shouldn't be expected to be anything else than what he is and that's why I'm cross that out of all this all we have is teachers trying to downplay an incident where he's been set upon by two other pupils. Would it be ok at 18 years old? No they would be arrested and as a result the victim may suffer from anything afterwards from fear of venturing out to ptsd . It's just not right and I'm sorry but I'm a mother sticking up for her son. I'm not a mother that goes down to school for every little thing either. Until recently when I can see a clear pattern developing and I've had proof to back it up too. When other students are confiding in teachers saying that ds is upset but they can't tell the class teacher because all she does is shout at him all the time. Other students have told their parents they feel sorry for him as this one teacher is constantly picking on him for what they've witnessed is over nothing. I've asked on here for a clear opinion to make sure I'm not just bloody going overboard with it all. I've contacted his new school that he will be going up to in September and even they are shocked by some of the things that have been said to him.

I don't think you are over reacting, im shocked by some of the comments on here!
I suppose it your child was injured they'd be more sympathy
I think it's horrible whats happened, hope your son is ok

I'm sorry I don't think it is reasonable to expect a phone call when your son gets involved in a very minor falling out and gets pushed Stop minimising. 2 on 1, punching and pushing IS NOT very minor.

Stop minimising. 2 on 1, punching and pushing IS NOT very minor

You say minimising, I say keeping a sense of proportion. Two of them tried to 'beat him up' yet he was able to block every single blow? Come on!

He's doing what children do the world over, re-telling the incident to suit his own ends. However his mother seems to have swallows his re-telling hook, line and sinker, insisting her son was beaten up.

11 year olds don't tend to be amazing at punching do they?

Two 11 year olds with anger issues but no formal training against an 11 year old with martial arts training - I find it quite easy to believe he blocked their punches.

Nonetheless the intention behind it will have been very frightening.

I successfully defended myself against being beaten up in school, it was terrifying. I've been in a good few incidents in my life (troubled background) but that was the first one and the realisation this person REALLY wants to hurt you - regardless of whether they manage it - is scary. It's not surprising he used dramatic language if he felt like that. He's only 11 FFS.

BoysofMelody So what? Because he could block it the op should forget about it?

Nah, I don't think so.

Just because they didn't cause this boy any harm, the intent was the same, and nitpicking over the words is a crap reaction from the Head.

It's not even exaggeration to me, I hadn't thought about the exact meaning of the words before to be honest, and I might have said it to mean "attacked" just as much as to mean "injured", iyswim. I think many people would be the same!

Why the fuck are people actually arguing over the semantics of what "beaten up" means.

The boy was attacked physically. In his mind he was beaten up, it's a fair statement. How can people on here and IRL (the headteacher) be so callous? What is wrong with them? If anyone minimised treatment like that of you or your child you would rightly be furious.

OP, you did the right thing going back and honestly I would be writing an email to the head explaining that you think it's inappropriate the way she minimised his experience in front of him.