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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think you sometimes are stuck in a relationship

23 replies

lovelylavender1 · 22/05/2017 17:05

Being honest twenty years ago I'd have left.

Twenty years down the line with children and finances and all the rest of it - I just feel I'd be exchanging one shitty situation for another. So what's the point?

Feeling grumpy and low today.

OP posts:

whatsfair · 22/05/2017 17:11

Yep, there's always a choice in life, but sometimes it's such a shit one that you are effectively 'stuck'.

FatFacedDog · 22/05/2017 17:13

I agree with you OP to an extent but I suppose it depends where your priorities lay. If you're not bothered about money (and it does always seem to centre around money) then you're never truly stuck.

I sometimes dream about giving up everything and going travelling, working as I go to pay my basic costs. I'd be skint but it would be an interesting chapter to live out!

Msqueen33 · 22/05/2017 17:14

Yes. But we have three kids and two have Sen. The youngest very severely and I am no longer able to work.

FatFacedDog · 22/05/2017 17:19

Kids with SEN might provide a barrier in leaving, I can imagine.

Flicketyflack · 22/05/2017 17:20

Sorry to say I feel stuck and it is the stability of income that makes me stay. That and the fact my DD keeps saying about how she is so pleased she has both parents as she thinks the kids are horrible when the parents split up( she saw several parents splitting when she was in year four and the fall out for the children who were having a difficult time with it ).

I never thought this would be me but I am afraid to admit I wishI could leave but I am worried about the fall out primarily for the kids.

Original poster

lovelylavender1 · 22/05/2017 17:23

Well, the problem with saying you aren't bothered about money implies I am, which in turn replies I'm materialistic.

You'd be bothered about money if you were homeless and hungry, or your children were.

OP posts:

SmileEachDay · 22/05/2017 17:25

I was.

I'm not any more.

There are shit bits.

But I'm so, so much happier and finally able to work through a lot of my own "stuff".

FatFacedDog · 22/05/2017 17:28

No lavender, it wasn't meant as a dig at you. It's more a dig at myself. Whenever DH and I have had a rough patch I've looked into leaving and my first thought is always "shit, I'd be so skint without him".

I'm just saying if money wasn't an issue or you were not at all bothered about the change in financial circumstances, it would be so much easier.

Laiste · 22/05/2017 17:28

I think there's a long running thread about this in 'Relationships'. Not saying bugger off over there OP or anything - just letting you know

It's a very complicated issue. So many shades of grey between the white of happiness and the black of misery.

There's the you only live once, don't waste it point of view. Don't stay for the kids ect. Then there's my mother those who say you've made your bed now lie in it.

(i left)

N0tfinished · 22/05/2017 17:34

I'm not currently contemplating separation but there have been times... but financial reasons caused by our SEN child means that I'm stuck. Parenting a disabled child is hard enough as a couple, couldn't cope at all as a LP.

Original poster

lovelylavender1 · 22/05/2017 17:37

Sorry Fat, bit touchy there :)

OP posts:

GrangeMill · 22/05/2017 17:48

I don't feel stuck exactly, I just can;t see how things would be any better if I left. Although things are by no means awful, I'm not happy with DH, but I don't think I'd be any happier for breaking up the family.

Msqueen33 · 22/05/2017 17:52

I couldn't parent my Sen kids alone. I do almost everything but come the weekend I need an extra pair of hands.

Original poster

lovelylavender1 · 22/05/2017 17:52

I feel much the same.

It makes me feel a bit pathetic but truth be told is I just think I'd be exchanging one shit life for another shit life!

OP posts:

HopeYourCakeIsShit · 22/05/2017 17:53

I feel your pain OP.
I am the sahm that mumsnetters hate and warn people about.
I sacrificed a lot for my dh's job.
I'm now 50 unhappy and stuck.

Didyoumeantobesorude1 · 22/05/2017 17:53

You are absolutely right. Relationships are shades of grey, not black and white, especially once children are involved. Sometimes posters on Mumsnet - including some MN "royalty" - seem to take a very black and white approach, and say LTB without taking account of the nuances of particular circumstances.

Original poster

lovelylavender1 · 22/05/2017 17:55

I am also a SAHM although I'm not sure it would be any different if I'd stayed in my job. I think the truth is that the world assumes you're in a couple and to step away from that norm requires either external support or finances that enable you to.

OP posts:

Kokusai · 22/05/2017 18:18

I am the sahm that mumsnetters hate and warn people about.
I sacrificed a lot for my dh's job.
I'm now 50 unhappy and stuck.

I don't think people hate SAHM... but you have just totally proved the point how vulnerable a position women put themselves in as a SAHM!

AliceTown · 22/05/2017 18:21

I don't think it's helpful for anyone to view it as "stuck". You have choices. You always have the choice to leave. On balance, leaving might not be the preferable option. Staying might be the lesser of two evils.

Stuck implies powerlessness and that really is not a healthy way to be.

tobee · 22/05/2017 18:51

Just wanted to send you op.

Original poster

lovelylavender1 · 22/05/2017 18:55

Exactly Alice , that's what I said!

OP posts:

greedygorb · 22/05/2017 18:58

God. This is me. I am so sad so much of the time :(

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 22/05/2017 19:05

I'm single but I can understand this. Me and my ex didn't live together, even after I had my son, so when things went wrong it was easy to end things. We didn't share a home so I didn't have the stress of moving, he only visited a couple of times a week to see our son so wasn't a massive help so I didn't miss that and he never helped with money for our DS - so the only difference to my life is not having to pretend to like him .

Some situations are more complex than others, but I can fully understand why some people are reluctant to call it a day even when the relationship is dead.

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