To hate the phrase 'Mum-To-Be'?

[ZofloraIsShite]

Maybe IAU because past events have altered my perception but I do find it an odd saying, none the less.

I have lost pregnancies, some later, some earlier.

Despite what people may think, I believe pregnant women are equally just as much of a Mum as someone with a child physically outside of them.

What does a Mum do? She...

Puts her child's best interests at heart. Whilst pregnant, you make a conscious effort to put aside bad substances (if you take them), and ensure you're safe so baby is safe.

Makes sure they're healthy - Whilst pregnant, women rethink what they're eating and make a conscious effort to take the right vitamins etc.

Looks after their wellbeing and guards their safety, often going the extra mile if need be - Many women are often spending hours in maternity units/early pregnancy units. All to ensure their baby is safe and well, and many a time to we don't leave until the appropriate plans and care have been put into place.

Worry - Need I say more on this one?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but do we not do these things as a pregnant women?

Did I not spend endless amounts of times during pregnancy, taking folic acid to nurture them, avoiding alcohol/more than a few units ever so often so the baby can thrive?

Do we not financially save and sometimes splurge on what the baby needs? Just like our DC next to us?

Please tell me your thoughts!

If you are a pregnant woman, I for one think you're every bit a Mum as someone who's just had a baby. If you've gone through a loss, I know you pined and hoped for that baby. You are a Mum, you are amazing

I'm sorry for the pain you have experienced.

I think YABU. Raising children is a different experience from pregnancy, miscarriage, childbirth. They're not equal, similar or even comparable. They are merely related.

Wishing you a happy resolution, OP

I don't know if it's unreasonable or not op but I send you and all other posters who have had losses and hugs.

It's true that being pregnant doesn't trigger the protective/mothering instinct in all women by any means.

(You could say the same about the term father. What is a father? Shooting their load on a one night stand, to devoted dad till the end of his life and everything in between.)

Maybe sanctifying the term 'mother' is where we're going wrong?

I think it's very personal.

Having had a miscarriage - my and my husband's baby, we were that unborn baby's mum and dad. We didn't get to raise that baby but I do feel that we were his parents. And my husband was the baby's Dad despite not carrying him and never getting to meet him.
We were already parents to children, but had we not been I think we would still have thought of ourselves as parents for that few months of pregnancy.

I get why people think otherwise.

Whatever feels right. The important thing is to respect and listen to friends

I have had one abortion and two miscarriages, all due to the same medical condition.

I've never been a mother. I feel quite strongly about this. I'd rather not have that extra burden placed on me as well - like I am not just a woman with a medical condition, I'm a mother who can't even protect her children. I don't think I could cope with that, although I understand others may feel differently and I'm sorry for your losses.

I agree with you completely OP. Someone who has decided to, and is growing a baby is a mother. You are also a mother forevermore if you have lost a baby.

Professionally, I'm also really careful to avoid saying "first baby", "first birth", "first time mum" to someone pregnant who has lost a baby / babies.

I'm pregnant now (26 weeks) and have also had two miscarriages before. I would not say I'm as much of a mum as someone who's given birth. No way. I can still go where I want, when I want, with you I want (more or less). Of course I make decisions about what I eat/drink etc in relation to a healthy pregnancy, but I am not as much of a mum as someone who breastfeeds every few hours, has a baby in their home that they are totally responsible for. I think YABU.

Are you a mother if you have a baby and immediately have the child adopted? I ask as some posters say raising the child is involved in being a mother.
Since the term "mother" doesn't confer any financial recompense, legal value or rights if any kind, why don't we let those who want to use it, like the OP, feel accepted in their choice?

'Mum-to-be' can be a bit nauseating, up there with talking about 'bumps and babies' or 'yummy mummies', but I don't disagree with it in principle.

Perhaps it's one of those things where everyone will have a different opinion, but as far as I am concerned.... I am currently pregnant but I do not feel like I am a mother at this stage.

I guess this is a new hierarchy - the hierarchy of motherhood! I know someone with 6 dcs, she must be more of a mother than I am with only two.

Sadly there are plenty of people who do not do plenty of the "mum" things in your list OP

I understand that, but the same can be said for mother's with children by their sides.

Are women who give up their children at birth mothers?

Yes, birth mothers. This is very commonly used. What a wonderful thing to have done for another family

I'm understand people who say they're not a mother because they're pregnant/had an early loss, but how about later losses? I for example have seen and held my twin boys, I consider myself a mother to two deceased boys. I count myself as early miscarriage mothers too, but that's more of a comfort to me for my boys - that they have other siblings comforting them if you see what I mean?

I think I am technically a mother to twins, if no one else (yet), by other people's standards.

It's not black and white. I was sometimes referred to as 'mum' in hospital while I was pregnant. Mother to be is usually used when referring to things that only happen after the baby is born like putting it in baby clothes, breast feeding, giving it a bottle etc. I don't think people mean that pregnant people aren't mothers.

I can understand where you are coming from Zofloral. When I lost my first pregnancy at 22 weeks I experienced several hours labour and felt the "delivery" and it was an altogether different experience than the subsequent miscarriages at 12 weeks. I felt like I gave birth and had experienced a sort of rite of passage and I would never be quite the same again. However I didn't feel I was a mother until I gave birth to my DD.
I am so sorry for your loss of your precious twins and hope you will be more fortunate in the future. Life seems so cruel when you look around and see other women taking successful pregnancy for granted and often not seemingly realising how precious their new life is.
Good luck