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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Medically Dissolve

23 replies

libertysilk · 22/05/2017 12:24

Found out I am pregnant on Friday last week. Still in total shock. Dating for almost 6 months, so not ideal. But, he was aware we weren't being careful. Told me he'd dreamt about me having twin boys with him. Said we should have a child together. All of which I said, in time, and there's no rush.
Fast forward to me telling him. I'm divorced, and have 2 children. One from my marriage, 2nd from previous relationship. (please don't judge me). He's saying I should be happy with what I've got. He wants me to 'medically dissolve it'. His exact words.
I'm at work and trying to keep it all together. Feeling absolutely broken.......

OP posts:
dinosaursandtea · 22/05/2017 12:50

That's a horrible phrase. But do you really want to have a child with someone you barely know, when you already have 2 kids? He sounds like a dick, and this way he'll be in your life FOREVER. If you want a third later, you'll find someone lovely or do it solo. But don't tie yourself to him forever just because you accidentally got pregnant. You don't mention how far gone you are, but abortion is an option, and it's one you're allowed to consider for your own best interests. He sounds like a shit who doesn't get to be a father if he's going to be so cavalier.

libertysilk · 22/05/2017 13:11

My ex husband forced me to have an abortion and it was extremely traumatic. I honestly don't know if I could go through that again. I'm about 5 weeks pregnant. Oh my, I'm feeling so many emotions right now. Genuinely don't know what to do. But, my heart is saying keep the baby...... Now I'm feeling like it's a crazy thing to do

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 22/05/2017 14:00

It doesn't sound like an abortion is what you want. The guy is an arsehole, drop him, keep the baby.

BarbarianMum · 22/05/2017 14:21

If you weren't being careful then you were obviously ok with the idea of a baby, so go ahead and have it. You were a bit unrealistic to think he'd be on the same page though. Being ok with unsafe sex means you are open to a baby or an abortion. Lots of men are just fine with the latter.

dinosaursandtea · 22/05/2017 14:40

If you want the baby, listen to your instincts. Give him a chance to step up to the plate or just leave and don't put his name on the birth certificate and do it solo.

libertysilk · 22/05/2017 21:04

My instincts are telling me to run from him, and fast! To ask me to get an abortion saying 'medically dissolve' via text speaks volumes. He's also commented on me having two children by different fathers as a way of judgement. Then said would I be chasing him with the agency like I do with my ex.
I'm sitting in utter and total confusion. I genuinely don't know what to do.
Also, I started a new job in March on a short-term contract, which ends in June. I'm interviewing for a new position in the same place this week.
I'm not a young woman, I'm in my early 40's.
I'm so utterly confused, and genuinely don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Xenophile · 22/05/2017 22:30

I'm so sorry that this man is finally showing his true colours when you're in this predicament, however, he has told you who he is, and you would be well advised to listen.

The big question here is what do you want?

If you want to have this baby, and you have the means and emotional wherewithal to cope, then that is a completely valid and wonderful choice.

However, you do sound like you're not sure if you do want this baby. You have mentioned a fair few reasons not to go through with this pregnancy. But it also sounds from your posts as if you have linked this pregnancy with one you were forced to end by a man who was obviously abusive and that this man trying to do the same has triggered a deep emotional response from you that is clouding your vision.

Do you have a friend you trust who you can talk this through with? Someone you can talk through your feelings about your previous abortion and how this man trying to force you to do the same has made you feel? This forum is really good, but threads about this subject can become very emotive and weird and right now, you need someone to really listen to you not prescribe courses of action.

No one has the right to judge you on how many children you have or their parentage and anyone who would really isn't worth the effort of listening to. It's not their life, so it's not their problem.

One thing I really would recommend once things have calmed down is that you do the Freedom Program. It's not a cure all, but it can really help you to make happier choices about future relationships by pointing out the red flags that abusive men raise early on and how non-abusive men behave. Sorry I've not been much help, I hope you find the best path for you and your little family.

Allthebestnamesareused · 22/05/2017 23:02

It may be the shock of finding out you had 2 children when you have been going out for that length of time. Perhaps he genuinely believes medically dissolved is a gentler way of suggesting a termination than saying that or abortion. Perhaps if you had been upfront with him from the start he may have wanted to continue the pregnancy. Perhaps finding out you had been concealing something as important as the fact you have 2 children has made him question the relationship. Where have the children been all this time?

GreatFuckability · 22/05/2017 23:08

allthebestnamesareused What areyou talking about? where does it say he didn't know about her children??

KeepServingTheDrinks · 22/05/2017 23:13

I'm so sorry that this man is finally showing his true colours

Op has been with him for 6 months. Where does your "finally" come from?

StripeyCurtains · 23/05/2017 06:44

I'm not sure I totally understand your post. Are you saying that you had been dating him for six months and hadn't told him anything about the fact that you are divorced and have two kids?

libertysilk · 23/05/2017 06:52

It seems there is some confusion surrounding my status. I am divorced with two children. He knew from the beginning of our relationship that I had two children and was divorced.

OP posts:
Raggydolly3 · 23/05/2017 06:57

There is no shame in having three kids by three fathers OP. People who would think less of you are not worth bothering with.
It sounds like you have made up your mind to have the baby. If you do please make sure you make him face up to his financial responsibility.

Sorry he has shown his true colours now OP

Ifailed · 23/05/2017 07:05

He has to own up to his responsibilities, if he doesn't want to father any children he should either abstain from sex or have a vasectomy. As he's done neither he has to accept that you are pregnant and it's your choice whether to have a termination or not. Tell him to fuck off, but before hand ask him what arrangements he is going to make for paying maintenance?

Coastalcommand · 23/05/2017 07:09

Please don't be pushed into an abortion. He's being selfish and an idiot. I'd leave him and keep the baby. If he didn't want to pay for a child he should have been more careful.

Allthebestnamesareused · 23/05/2017 08:32

Sorry I misunderstood when you said fast forward to me telling him I'm divorced and have 2 kids . I read it as that was when you told him. Although that makes a difference it is still early in the relationship to have a child

Kokusai · 23/05/2017 08:36

Totally understandable that he doesn't want a child, he's only been with you 6 months! Why weren't you being careful? Did you want a baby with him?

Only1scoop · 23/05/2017 08:37

I also misread and thought he didn't know.
Presumably as neither of you were using contraception then it's not a shock. The term he uses for termination is horrid. I certainly wouldn't factor him into your decision if you are wondering whether to proceed with the pregnancy.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath · 23/05/2017 08:51

Concentrate on your interview first then you have choices.
You don't say how old your other children are but you do tell us your age so any pregnancy now could be the last.Can you manage a baby and job?Bearing inmindthe circumstances of your termination I think you need some counciling to to help you make your decision.

Isetan · 23/05/2017 08:59

I'm confused you say "he was aware of you not being careful", which means you were also aware that you weren't being careful, how is this a shock? Or were you taken in by his bullshit and are now confused because you now realise it was bullshit. Given that you have already been traumatised by an earlier abortion, you haven't been particularly smart.

At the end of the day, it's your body and your choice but the reality is, if you don't terminate, you'll be a single mother to three. Yes, he's been a prat but you have to assume some responsibility for your own recklessness in 'not being careful' with someone you've been dating for six months.

libertysilk · 23/05/2017 11:18

Taking on board all of the posts. Yes, I fully acknowledge I've been extremely foolish. I was totally taken in by his 'bullshit'. I see it now. I realise I need to do a freedom programme. Growing up with domestic violence, has clearly impacted my choice of men, and I'm blinkered to their charm, or 'bullshit'. I am still no clearer in making a decision, but, this is a massive learning curve. One that I have to pay attention to. I can't repeat negative patterns of being taken in by charmers. Thank you for all of your messages.

OP posts:
Isetan · 23/05/2017 13:21

We are all susceptible to hearing what we want to hear, part of the trick to not falling for it, is acknowledging what it is we want to hear in the first place.

I hope you find a way forward.

Belleende · 23/05/2017 14:19

I think you would benefit from some support in making decisions around men and relationships. That should help you think more clearly in the future. But right now you need to think about yourself and your 2 existing kids. I am 42 and pregnant with a much wanted 2nd. I am still worried about the impact on my career, the impact on my retirement, how I will manage an 8 and a 10 year old at 50. You have choices, you have a right to make the best choice for you and your family. You need to stop beating yourself up right now and concentrate on figuring out what next. Good luck

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