re: MIL issues - I think I may be BU and judgy

[noideawhattocallmyself]

I'm worried I am BU. Long long story but to cut it short MIL has long history of being a bit obsessed with DH (only child) and expecting him to drop everything when she needs him and getting very hurt and upset when he doesn't (just background there).
Turns out last year she was arrested for shoplifting with lots of evidence, prosecuted etc. Mortified, threw herself on DH sobbing, swore never to do it again, said she'd get help.
She went to counselling for a few weeks and declared herself 'cured'. Also she has had some health worries that have all turned out to be nothing but she was convinced she was dying, had cancer, had serious heart complaint and so on (she google self-diagnoses). lots of pressure piled onto DH, plus there are others in our direct family who are actually ill with serious complaints and she only wants to talk about her illnesses in front of them.
This all calmed down with MRI, CT scan, blood tests and other scans being clear and things were getting back to a sort of normal (though she is blatantly only interested in DH - even her own DH doesn't get her attention).
Now she's been arrested again for the same thing, DH has told her she can't react in the same way this time in front of our children as they don't need to suffer the stress of seeing her like that - so she's decided not to see them.
I know I have my judgy pants on and I don't see how she can steal but maybe it's a mental health thing I don't understand. Also I'm angry (probably unreasonably) that she doesn't want to see her only grandchildren unless she can have all the attention from my DH.
how can I stop being angry - so far I've effectively walked away but it's not fair on DH to let him deal with it all.

It sounds rather like she has borderline personality disorder OP...it DOES sound like a MH issue.

I don't blame you for not wanting your DC to see her dramas.

It's your DH's Mum...it's really his issue. All you can do is support him. My Mother has similar form with the sudden "terrible illnesses" that she's self diagnosed.

It's all about attention. Just help DH to disengage emotionally.

emotional instability – the psychological term for this is 'affective dysregulation'
disturbed patterns of thinking or perception – ('cognitive distortions' or 'perceptual distortions')
impulsive behaviour.
intense but unstable relationships with others.

These are the NHS traits listed as BPD.

Can people not diagnose over the internet? It's incredibly twatty, not to mention irresponsible (and usually entirely wrong).

Isn't she just a manipulative cow?
That's my diagnosis anyway!!

Be glad you have good reason to walk away!!
Enjoy your mil - free life..
I guarantee it's a great life!!

I think you need to walk away- you need to be there for your own dc.

Couldn't you support dh "behind the scenes" without interacting with mil?

Walrus where did I diagnose?? I didn't. I said it SOUNDED like that. You sound quite twatty yourself policing the internet!

Walk away, don't get involved, support DH not MIL. DH needs to be firmer if he doesn't want to be dragged into the drama.

It's MIL's behaviour that matters, not her diagnosis.

I think DH can protect herself from him by effectively walking away as you have.

"You are a danger to our children with your current behaviour, so we can have nothing to do with you until it has changed."

So annoying when people attempt to diagnose something that can take professionals years to accurately diagnose. Random mumsnet BPD and autism diagnoses are getting boring and offensive to people like me who live with such a problem and don't behave like twats.
OP if she won't see them it's a win win really. I don't think you're being judgy. Let DH deal with his mother and just make sure your kids are OK. They don't need to be party to that nonsense. If she wants professional help she should seek it.

It's unclear what she was bringing to your dc's lives with all this drama and attention-seeking anyway so can you see it as a positive that they don't have to see it now and you also get a break from it? What are your DH's thoughts - is he going to drop everything again to support her or is he beginning to realise that actually his "support" may be enabling this attention-seeking behaviour? I would forget about her and concentrate on him.

I find internet diagnoses are much more interesting than the ones I get off my GP.
So, your MIL likes a bit of drama? I agree that you have to keep it away from the children. Can your DH explain why her behaviour impacts the DC but they still want to see her? Could she be unselfish enough to deal with this with the best interests of the children foremost?
If not, then she should stay away.

It does sound as if your MIL has mental health issues. I wouldn't walk away if it was my mother - but try and get her to seek help, and suggest your DH does the same. If she is involved with the criminal justice system they could help with references to the right agencies.

If you feel your dc are distressed I would minimise contact while encouraging your dh to get her the help she needs and supporting him in that. What does your FIL think? Can your dh speak to him and work with him to get his mother help?

Thanks all. The DCs and DH love her to bits, I've always encouraged them to spend time with her, she doesn't have any friends (her choice she often finds something wrong with them that means she cuts contact) and I guess I feel a bit sad for her.
FIL is distraught at the moment but will get DH to broach getting more help, she doesn't think anything is wrong though (she's still convinced she is seriously ill but they just haven't found it yet) so hard to get her to do anything about it.
Biggest concern now is that as DH hasn't responded in the required manner she might go even further in her need for attention from him but then that could be me having a moment of melodrama. I just can't shake this low lying anger that she cancelled seeing her grandchildren because DH was clear there was going to be no fuss and attention for her.

If there is something wrong with MIL, it is psychological rather than physical. Given her history of stealing, surely a psychiatric consultation would be in order? Clearly she isn't in her right mind and it is affecting everyone.

I think under the circumstances, you should do what is right for your family. DH was right to say that she isn't to have hysterics in front of your DC. I feel for poor FIL too, always coming second to DH, he must feel very sidelined. This break from MIL is necessary at the moment. If she does go further in her need for DH's attention it would reinforce the need for a psych assessment.