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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to pick DD up from school if they call again

21 replies

Nousernameforme · 22/05/2017 11:00

I will try to keep this short.
DD is 15 is under cahms and receives art therapy currently on pause but due to start back in a few weeks has started on the scamp pathway to see if she is asd like her younger brother (relevant i promise)
Due to bullying and the fallout from it DD has a bit of an attendance problem school are very understanding about it but as she is due to get braces fitted tomorrow, the follow up appointments, plus art therapy appointments mean that her attendance isn't going to recover anytime soon.
Now to the current problem
DD has started being funny with food it's been going on for a while refusing to eat things she would previously we have always worked with this and provided an alternative as we do with her younger brother (see, relevant)
As of Wednesday last week DD refused to eat anything she said she is a bad person didn't feel she deserves to eat. I informed the school counsellor and spoke to cahms who said to keep and eye on her energy levels and look out for weight loss but otherwise ignore it and don't make it a big deal.
So I don't, I do make sure food is available for her and she did eat some biscuits Thursday.
Come Friday afternoon I got a phone call from school saying that she felt panicky and dizzy and could i please pick her up so i did. Then we went to the shop got her favourite sandwich fillings cakes and crisps full fat pop all asked for by dd who ate the lot Then Saturday was a celebration so she ate lots of biscuits sweets and the party tea which was all her favourite things..
On Sunday she refused to eat again except for some crisps later on in the day. This morning she rushed off to school and refused to take anything to eat or drink with her. So I gave her brother a bottle of water a couple of mini rolls and a pack of popcorn to give to her at school.
I have two concerns here,
1/ This becomes her new get out of school card
2/ This is her way of only eating junk food rather than proper meals.
So my AIBU is if school phones again to say she is feeling rough can you come get her. To reply no her brother has food and drink for her she can have that and go back to class
FYI I do believe this started out as a proper mental health issue as she does have low times but now think she might just be chancing it.

OP posts:

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 11:07

YANBU. And don't buy her any junk or react when she says she won't eat. Make sure meals are served obviously and that there are healthy choices on offer.

I feel for you.

BastardBloodAndSand · 22/05/2017 11:13

I've got one of these, she's 18 now and also has MH problems and Autism. Now.living in residential care.

She would eat a few forkfuls of food then look round to make sure everyone was.watching and refused to.eat yet would happily binge on junk.

At home this.would.be ignored, her tea would be put in the microwave and she'd usually sneak down later to eat (( whilst protesting she was anorexic and starving to death )) so her diet remained pretty good.

yet she caused absolute carnage when she first went into.her residential setting, as they'd all start panicking and putting her under he spotlight. They eventually listened and she's fine there too. My advice would be to.ignore it, just carry on with meals as normal but food that she likes, if she leave it then put it away for later (( as you would a toddler ))don't make special allowances and inform school of what you're doing. This is pure manipulation, she won't starve to death or develop an eating disorder.

Original poster

Nousernameforme · 22/05/2017 11:23

So you would have her down to the table dish hers up and get her to sit there with it while we eat?
I've just been letting her stay up in her room

OP posts:

cordialequina · 22/05/2017 11:43

Has the bullying been dealt with/stopped? She might not be "chancing" it as such, she might just be too scared and anxious to stay at school.

I'm not surprised that CAMHS has told you to ignore the ED, as my own experience of CAMHS was that they're unhelpful to say the least. But as she's going without food on purpose, because she feels unworthy, and then effectively bingeing on high calorie foods, she's setting herself up for a full-blown ED in the near future.

It sounds like she could do with some CBT?

Original poster

Nousernameforme · 22/05/2017 11:52

The bullying has been dealt with and there have not been any problems of that sort in well over a year. There is still some fallout from it which is genuine and we deal with that as it crops up but as with any other teen she would rather be at home on screens than in school and I don't want this to become her new way to stay of f school.
Cahms said as long as she was drinking and food was available if she wants it then it was ok to ignore whilst keeping an eye. If weight starts dropping off then i am to take her to gp for weighing.

OP posts:

cordialequina · 22/05/2017 11:54

The problem is that bulimia tends not to cause much weight loss, and with her current restrict/binge pattern that's more of a risk than anorexia.

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 11:55

That's trickier. Does she get bothered by eating sounds? Are you confident she'll eat it if you let her eat in her room?

Original poster

Nousernameforme · 22/05/2017 12:01

I wouldnt say she is binging other than friday after i picked her up she ate what i bought and had nothing else and saturday which was a special day she has only eaten little bits. Eating sounds have never been brought up with her ds has that issue.

OP posts:

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 12:02

If eating sounds don't bother her (they do a lot of people on the Spectrum) then why does she eat in her room?

Bettyspants · 22/05/2017 12:06

Purely commenting regarding the school issue, no. I absolutely do not think you can refuse to get her. It's an awful situation to be in BUT you cannot expect the school to deal with it

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 12:11

Betty but OP suspects her DD is doing it for attention....purely as a way out of school.

Original poster

Nousernameforme · 22/05/2017 12:14

Meals are served downstairs but as she is not eating she refuses point blank to even consider having dinner she just stays in her room. We were taking things like biscuits up to her in the hopes that she would eat something.

Would it not be considered first aid to make sure she ate the food i have provided and then go back to class?

OP posts:

drspouse · 22/05/2017 12:21

I don't get why her brother has to have the food - not her, herself, or possibly some welfare point at school (nurse if they have one)?

rightwhine · 22/05/2017 12:30

Try to get her to sit with you all at the table as "part of the family" but insist there is no pressure to eat if she doesn't want to.
Then ignore.
But don't offer her alternative foods to the rest of you.

Go with the principle there are no bad foods but as with everything in life moderation is important and you do need some fruit and veg for the nutritional aspects.

user1491572121 · 22/05/2017 12:38

Don't take her biscuits OP. Take her fruit or something healthy.

BastardBloodAndSand · 22/05/2017 12:50

Op, I resorted to taking food to dds room and she'd eat fine. When she went into her residential setting she started to eat at the table as those are the rules although she still does the pick a few bits then stop thing. We just ignore this and 99% of the time she just carries on eating. All kids are different obviously but that was what worked for us.

Original poster

Nousernameforme · 22/05/2017 12:51

She left for school without saying bye. So I didn't see her go every other morning i've given her whatever i am putting with sandwiches for the others that way i knew i had provided food that was as much as i could do on my side

OP posts:

Housemum · 22/05/2017 12:53

I have no idea if I'm talking out of my arse, but I think that the food issues/eating separately etc seems to be a way of taking control of a small thing to give sense to things. We have similar issues with DD2 and are just picking our battles at the mo until we have formal diagnosis. ASD is a long pathway - we had a session a year ago, where I saw a CAMHS doctor and so did she, then she had some CBT sessions around her anxiety issues (helped a little to control the screaming but not a huge amount). At Christmas someone from CAMHS observed her (unknown to her) at school. This then went to the MDT meeting, they decided she was still showing as potential for ASD so now we have 2 one hour development history sessions coming up for me and DH to attend, and she has an ADOS screening test. Will have been around 12-18 months assuming we get a diagnosis or help plan after these sessions.

Original poster

Nousernameforme · 22/05/2017 12:54

That's why i gave it to her brother to give to her, if she as i expect refuses to take it from him then i can inform first aid if they ring that there is food for her with her brother

OP posts:

Bettyspants · 22/05/2017 12:57

I completely get that op thinks she is doing it as a way to get out of school, but leaving it for the school to deal with isn't on. The other option would be for op to go to the school, talk to her daughter and not bring her home.

Funnyonion17 · 22/05/2017 13:13

I agree don't take her junk, maybe a banana and flapjack or cereal bar? Little healthier. Have you asked her why she sits upstairs or why she refuses to eat?

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