AIBU - please don't worry about reciprocity

[Fairysnuff321]

Play dates or whatever. I understand different people have different circumstances, my DD wants friends round to play. I am lucky I have a big garden and space. Unlucky, in that I don't have much family around, and have felt a bit isolated due to some circumstances. I want to share my garden, and enjoy the company of others. I'd be gutted if someone didn't come because they couldn't reciprocate, if you find it hard to accept without reciprocity, bring biccies if you really need to.
If we are just a little open about circumstances, we we all benefit.
Or AIBU and just trying to live a crazy utopian dream ?

Ok. Single parent. DD is on a competitive sports team and also does Irish dancing and a couple of other hobbies. This takes up most nights after school. She goes to her dad's EOW and I have a job that goes in cycles. When it's intense, it's intense. This isn't the best combination with my health, which never recovered after I had DD.

I stick to play dates in the holidays unless it's sport friends- they have a session on a Friday night and a session first thing Saturday, so sometimes we take it in turns to do sleepovers. This isn't a lot of extra effort honestly, and it isn't often they'll be at mine because of the number. But that is my play date priority because it's DDs.

I don't do play dates if it's an intense work period. No discussion. Even if it's in the holidays. My health usually dips after one of these

What I'm getting at is there really aren't that many weeks in the year for playmates, after you add in all the parties. I do try. But I end up turning down play dates because I know I won't get round to a return, and then I get the mother telling me little Jenny has no friends and no one wants to come to play. I honestly don't know what's worse.

When my DDs were small, I often had their friends to play as a SAHM I could. The friend's parents almost all worked full time in proffesional, high stress jobs. They were doctors, lawyers, one was a judge...I wasn't about to worry that they didn't ask my DDs to play!

Once they all got older, then things were easier as they could arrange their own meet ups at weekends.

Teabag, I don't think it's unfeeling. Unfeeling means unsympathetic or uncaring. I'm being Neither. I have considered their situation. I have every sympathy. But I feel if you can't return then yes y should either say so, or bit let your child go. Because that's unfair. And letting a child go 4 or 5, or however many times, without reciprocating. Is unfair. IMO. How is that unfeeling? I've thought about it. Considered what I think is fair and made a decision.

I'm not asking them to improve their health situation!! How silly. That's your assumption. Not what I said, or thought. I have a lot of sympathy and understanding for many health conditions. I take responsibility for my health condition and the restrictions it makes. And also my lifestyle choices and the restrictions those make. I'm asking them to not allow their child to keep going, unreciprocated. It that boils your piss, fine. I think it's fair.

Most people, pending certain situations, i.e. Health, can reciprocate.

If you have a Health condition you make not be able to. We are sympathetic to this. Find my post, where I said we shouldn't be? Nope. Didn't think so.

Don't start claiming I said things I never said!!

I never said we should be uncaring to Health conditions.

I was talking about about my Ds2. Specifically. People didn't reciprocate. But they invited other classmates. So I stopped. And now he has 2 friends who reciprocate equally. That suits me more. I find it fairer.

Sorry about that!!

This is lovely to hear. I felt this as our lovely, big rental flat was getting shabby. The pale carpets were really grubby and the cheap paint on the white walls was all finger prints and patchy where I've had to clean off toddler detritus. LL wouldn't get it repainted or change the carpets as the high ceilings and huge rooms meant it would be very expensive. I have awkwardly wriggled out of play dates at my house due to embarrassment and worry that mum friends think I'm rude or don't like them.

It is worth remembering that there are lots of reasons people don't invite other over to their home: like me embarrassment about their home's size or state of repair; working patterns for them or their partner; lack of time of get the place tidy; money worries so can't afford to feed them or buy in snacks; struggling to manage the children they do have; physical or mental health issues in including just being anxious or stressed about these kind of interactions; unhappy relationship or family dynamics.

I am work full time and my son has lots of activities at the week-end. It does mean the doesn't get invited to a lot of playdates because I cannot reciprocate. It is frustrating and sad for my social butterfly son.

I'm not sending biscuits back, who said that? Sorry maybe I missed something?

Another poster upthread said any uneaten food will be sent back with the child.

Wrinkles yes I agree, that I do NOT like. Telling my dad she'll get an invite when you have no intention is just shitty.

When my DD was younger, I could rarely reciprocate play dates because I worked full time during the week and DH worked nights.

It was hard enough organising our family life around shifts changes etc, without adding play dates to the mix.

Plus our house was a building site for a couple of years which had all sorts of hazards.

However, we tried to have friends over in the holidays but that could be a nightmare if DH was trying to sleep so then I would have to take said kids out for the whole afternoon.

Thankfully, there weren't too many play dates (2 or 3 a term possibly) so I didn't feel too guilty.

My house looks like a youth club most days with around a dozen children running around.

I have just three of my own.

We moved here from out in the sticks (same area just now accessible to my kid's friends) and it's constant. I don't care if my kids don't go to other's houses. I actually prefer them to be where I could see them if I need to.
I really don't care if there is no "reciprocation". The only time it bothers me is if a friend and I use that term loosely tells me their kid really wants to come over for a play date and then friend drops the kid off and fucks off for appointments or other things but then won't even stay for a cuppa or 5 minute chat when picking kid up. Lying just to get a babysitter is disrespectful.

I'm happy to kick unruly or rude children out too. If your kid is an arsehole then I'm glad there's no expectation of reciprocation. I'll not have your rude kid just because you had mine.

And that goes to the little shit who stood there even after being told off and picked at my wallpaper and ripped bits off. Or the one that just spits their chewing gum out everywhere. Indoors and out.