To schedule sex?

[Bigblug]

It's a bit of a long one so ill try and keep it short.
Dp has sat me down and said he wants to have sex more. In fairness to him, we average maybe once a month, at the moment we're on a two month dry spell. I have alot of anxiety around sex at the moment (issues I'm trying to resolve) and I know he finds it hurtful when I reject his advances as much as he's trying to understand me. I've been thinking how to resolve this for the short term while long term trying to resolve my issues and I was thinking if we scheduled it to say, once a week, I'll have time to mentally prepare myself (that sounds awful doesn't it?) I know it doesn't sound romantic but I know in order to help our relationship I have to give somewhere. And I want to have sex, but I struggle to mentally overcome the hurdles. Has it ever worked for anyone?

I think you should see a sex therapist.

How do you prepare yourself?
Won't it make you feel more anxious counting down the days?
Have you actually suggested this or is it something you are thinking of suggesting?

Yes. Somewhat hit and miss as it can feel forced and therefore makes you incredibly self conscious but other times it has worked well. Probably only stuck to the schedule for two weeks or so at a time as our problem is/was monotony of life getting in the way so I'm not sure about anything longer term.

However don't force yourself to do anything you are uncomfortable with. The scheduled time was always a possibility rather than a dead cert.

I don't know. I guess I'm trying to meet in the middle a little bit. No I haven't suggested because I'm not totally sold on the idea yet

Second the therapist.
Scheduling sex doesn't sound great, if you have issues I'm not sure how it would help and the pressure might make you worse.
Relate have sex therapists although you will need to pay.

I agree with crowdblundering and Familyof3or4. Ordinarily I would say that scheduling it can be a good idea (esp if you have children, tis useful to have time to spend just as a couple, with no expectation as such of sex but creating situations conducive of it) but you sound like you will need more help than that.

I love scheduled sex! I think I prefer it to unplanned sex but only just.
It makes me feel special, gives me time to really enjoy getting ready, knowing there will be no interruption from children. To plan what I'll wear, set the scene with the room. Chill the wine. To have my man's undivided attention. And it's quite exciting.

Yes, I definitely prefer it.

If I were you I'd plan the occasional 'sex date' at home and go from there. If you don't like it, adapt the bits you didn't like or don't do it again. It could be just what your marriage needs. It's worth a try.

Do you know why you feel so anxious about sex? Is it a new thing of has it always been an issue? How long have been together? I wouldn't suggest scheduled sex. For me it would just make it worse.
What if your dp isn't in the mood at 5 o'clock on a Tuesday?
I only thought sceduled sex is for those ttc

Agree with gininthesunshine. Spontaneous is great sometimes, but I like a bit of advance warning to put some matching underwear on and shave my legs clear my mind of whatever work / uni / life stresses are cluttering it up.
We've had periods where one or the other of us feels anxious or otherwise negative towards sex and found it was helpful to focus on "being intimate" rather than "having sex". We'd plan to have a naked cuddle in bed or to trade massages, but there was no pressure to go any further. Sometimes we did, sometimes we didn't, but it just helped keep the intimacy alive while we sorted out the things that were causing us problems.

I think we've always scheduled it, as in brought it up earlier in the day as a suggestion and then I've been able to look forward to it and get in the mindset. Scheduled doesn't mean unexciting.. we have great sex, we just know when we're going to have it! My DP had a similar talk with me a few months ago OP and I'm glad he did, I wanted to have a sex life but it just wasn't on my list of priorities/too tired etc.. I've actively made time for it instead of doing something unimportant, and the more I've had it the more I want it. It's lovely to feel like a mum AND a sexual being again. We're always close as he's like my best friend but sex makes us closer and the relationship better.

@Fernanie i like your idea.
Basically planning some alone time together. Sometimes it ends up in sex sometimes it doesn't. But if it doesn't you still have cuddles, intimacy.
I just think the promise of sex at certain day/time is a bit
Although we do have a no phones night. One weekday and one weekend.
We talk a lot more on those nights. And they usually lead to sex.
But I don't feel like I've let anyone down if I don't "perform" and I'm sure it's same for him.
I'm a routine freak though. So if we was to sceduled sex. He would be having it whether he liked it or not. I don't care if his mum's here, he's working late or he's got the flu. It's in my diary. It's happening

See a sex therapist yes.

Also. Do you feel safe and supported in the relationship? Are you happy?

We did and it worked really well. Wednesdays and Saturdays!! It got us through a patch when the kids were small and work stressful etc. Now they're older it's no problem but I would certainly recommend it.

Scheduling sex is brilliant when both people are looking forward to it and the excitement builds throughout the week.

If one person is only doing it to please the other, or to tick it off a list of chores, it will feel absolutely dire.

You need to address the cause before you try to implement a treatment. And addressing the cause may not necessarily lead to more sex.

I'm against it. Been there, got the t-shirt and the split up that followed.

Makes it feel like a chore that has to be done rather than something you want to do because you love someone or just feel damn horny. Not fair on either party.

YY Stoic.

I think more exciting in some ways - the anticipation etc?

That all depends on your veiw of sex in the 1st place cheryl