Death of relative/close friend

[BaggyAnn]

Hi, I'm really struggling to come to terms with losing my cousin. We were very close meeting each other for drinks once a week. My cousin was diagnosed with cervical cancer in 2016, she had her treatment and was told it was gone! But After some more tests it had spread 😞 she had always been so upbeat about it all I had never doubted that she wouldn't of got better. At the beginning of April she was admitted to the hospice, I went to visit a few times, she had dramatically gone down hill and was fully aware of what the future would hold. She had told me she knew she was going to pass and was at peace. She died 5 day later. I couldn't stop crying when she was admitted to the hospice, but once I heard about her passing I haven't really cried? I just feel so numb? I just can't ever imagine not seeing her lovely face, or hearing her laugh ever again. Will It hit me at some point? Or will I learn to cope from feeling like this?

I'm sorry if it's rambling!

I didn't wanna read and run. I'm so sorry OP. It's still fresh and it hasn't sunk in yet. You have my sympathies.

I'm so sorry Baggy - it's hard to process at first, my first big bereavement was my mum and I felt like she'd just gone away for a bit. Hugs 💐

Youre in denial/shock, totally normal!
Be kind to yourself, much love to you

Thank you Henry, it just doesn't feel like it ever will 'sink in'? I just don't feel like I'm ever going to get through this.

I'm so sorry for you loss what you are describing seems absolutely normal these things take a lot of time to deal with do you have people to talk to away from here? Can be so useful to share feelings/memories with people in real life

I am so sorry for your loss, and for your cousin too, and the life she won't have.

Shock, as well as grief can be almost paralysing. You will move past this current phase, in my experience. But, grief is not linear, and sometimes it can hit as hard as ever.

I don't think that we ever "get over" loss, especially when it is premature and/or sudden. I do think that we find away to live our lives around it, and accommodate the gap in our lives. That has been how it has worked for me. It seems unendurable, I know to not see or hear that person ever again. But we find a way to live with the loss, whilst never forgetting, and always loving. Thinking of you tonight.

more I lost my mum too at the age of 7, I feel like i coped with that much easier? I don't understand why as I'm still heartbroken about that today 23 years later. My brain just doesn't want to accept that my cousin has gone? I'm finding it very hard, I just want to text her all the time

I'm so sorry - you're obviously still in shock. I think I can honestly say that nothing can prepare you even when you're told to prepare for the worst. The shock when it actually happens is all-consuming. For you, BaggyAnn . It's truly awful.

Thank you everyone for your kind words and support. MsPav I have always believed in these words you have said, it is so true.

I'm so so sorry for your loss! I lost my cousin also and I totally understand how you feel. The pain is physical.. it grabs you by the throat and doesn't let go. It's a cliche but time heals. Be kind to yourself xx

Thank you caz, (my cousins name ❤️) I have only ever experienced sudden deaths before, which are hard. I'm just really struggling to process that this was the final goodbye and that I won't be able to see, chat or text again

Thank you loopy, I'm sorry for your loss too. Life's shit at times

Oh; sweetheart, I know. I truly, truly know. Unless you've experienced it first hand - you are clueless. I'm approaching a 2nd anniversary of the most devastating and deep bereavement of my life. Unless you've experienced it, you do not have a fucking clue. I never knew pain could reach such depths. PM me by all means. I've been there and I'm still there. X

BaggyAnn, for you and your cousin.

PPs have said everything better than I can.

Please contact cruse. They're really, really good.

I note your linking between your feelings about your mother's death and your cousins. Don't feel bad about anything... I think they're all wrapped up together in your subconscious and when you deal with one, you're also dealing with the other, so I'm sorry for all your losses.