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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find cliques intimidating and/or annoying?

56 replies

malificent7 · 20/05/2017 17:35

My dd is in a clique. It is annoying as they are so conformist in what they wear. If the queen bee decides something is uncool then they all agree lest they get ousted out.
Their mums are all in a clique... do everything together. I used to be friendly with them but have been pushed out. It kind of hurts but then im glad i have the freedom to be who i want to be.
I always find myself on the finges of friendship groups. Dont know how i feel... kind of sad but kind of glad im not stuck in one group. Im also very happy with my own company and am not willing to suck up to queen bees.
Am i missing out? I always feel that the cliques are uite intimidating and overpowering tbh. Strength in numbers but they have decided i dont fit for whatever reason.

OP posts:
metalmum15 · 20/05/2017 20:08

I think 8 is a bit young to be in a 'clique', at that age friends change all the time. Just teach your dd to be friends with other children who are nice and who she genuinely likes, not because she feels she should be part of an in-crowd. The 'popular' crowd really starts about year 7. That's when she needs to feel confident enough not to be a sheep, and to dress how she likes, listen to what music she likes, find like minded friends, and not feel she's failed because she isn't into hair/make up/boys/Adidas clothing /snapchat /whatever other current fad makes you 'better' than the rest.

Daydream007 · 20/05/2017 20:14

I agree. Adult cliques are very immature and those who feel the need to be in one are typically desparate for approval from others due to their desire to be 'liked'.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 20/05/2017 20:15

I used to feel like there was a cliquey atmosphere at work, where all the younger workers used to socialise together, in and out of work, and there were a lot of in jokes. I felt quite intimidated by colleagues who were junior to me and it worried me that I felt that way, as it seemed like school all over again. DH thought it was just that I was their manager and they didn't feel like they could socialise with me.

I made overtures towards them at a work event, and suggested I take cakes in for our next team meeting. They then started inviting me to things - turns out they thought I was unlikely to want to be included with younger colleagues and we're a little intimidated by me!

I guess what I'm saying is that everyone has insecurities and cliques are often perceived to exclude people but perhaps the person that feels excluded is giving off vibes that say they don't want to be included. If however you are being excluded in a mean way, like all going out somewhere and making a big deal out of you not being included, that's when it becomes problematic.

GreenRut · 20/05/2017 20:18

Agree with pp, clique is just a way to describe a group of friends, surely? Weren't most of us in so called cliques at school?! I knew who my immediate friends were and while I played with other kids at times, the core of my friendship group was the constant.

On saying that, the mothers of that group of friends have pushed you out, op, and that's not nice and you're better off without them.

Now I have dc and they're at school, i've definitely fallen into the trap at times of thinking of a certain group of mums as in a clique but I've had to have a quiet word with myself - they probably just have more shared experiences with each other than I have with any of them, more exposure to each other (I drop and collect rarely), their dc may have been at the same pre-school setting, they definitely seem to be more available to attend the cafe morning meet ups, etc - so they are bound to be more friendly with each other. Such is life I think?

I feel we can overthink these things (and i have done ad infinitum in the past!)

Original poster
malificent7 · 21/05/2017 09:08

I think it just feels weird to be dropped.

OP posts:
Kitsandkids · 21/05/2017 09:40

I do think it's possible to 'diagnose' a clique when it doesn't really exist (though not saying that's the case with your situation OP). When my kids started a new school last year a mum I already knew said there was a coffee morning every Monday for the parents if I fancied going, so I started going. It really helped me get to know more mums and meant I always had someone to stand with in the playground at pick up time. But I never felt I was in a clique. I would always smile at the other mums in my kids' classes, but I chose to stand with the women I'd made friends with. I then started a course and another mum there said she fancied going to our coffee morning but was intimidated by our 'clique!' I was mortified. I'd never want anyone to feel I wouldn't make them welcome. I had just never spoken to her before as none of her 3 children were in my kids' year groups, but of course she was welcome in the coffee morning (and now attends and is a friend). She just didn't like to make the effort to come in case we were cliquey. I like to think I'm welcoming to anyone!

MugwumpJism · 21/05/2017 09:43

I must admit, me and my husband are own own clique to be frank so it doesn't matter if I'm part of another lol.

I do have lots of friends but I like being a lone wolf.

Original poster
malificent7 · 21/05/2017 18:33

I think i like being a lone wolf too.

However im finding that my ddd friendship group are affecting my life in strange ways.
When she first started year 4 suddenly she would only wear leggins to school.
This meant she wouldnt eat 75percent of her uniform. She said she just wants to fit in and her friends think skirts are girlie.
Looked at her school class photo. All the girls in her groups were wearing trousers and sll the other little girls were in skirts.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 21/05/2017 18:55

I think this shows that they all want to conform to the clique.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 21/05/2017 19:03

I think you're putting your own insecurities onto your daughter and you need to stop that.

She's not in a clique, she just has a friendship group and it's normal for kids to want to conform. Leave her be. As long as they don't bully then they are fine.

As for yourself, your issue is you've been dropped. It's nothing to do with your daughter. Your hurt because you want to be friends with these women and they don't want the same back.

So find other interests, other friends and move on.

I was never part of a clique of mums, simply because I couldn't be arsed. I worked too much. I'd see groups of them st school at pick up or drop offs and I always went over and said hi and joined in rather than stand on my own. I often got invited to their stuff or to do school stuff with them. I never attended. I think the genuinely Not interested or giving a shit helps. I honestly didn't give it much thought at the time.

You need to stop focusing on it, then twisting what your daughter is doing into your own issues and find some other interests. 💐

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2017 19:06

Why were you dropped op, do you know?

Screwinthetuna · 21/05/2017 19:20

Surely most kids in school have their own little 'gang,' if that's what you mean? All 150 kids in my school year belonged to their own little friend group? I don't think that's 'clique' like, just normal?

MaQueen · 21/05/2017 20:08

Don't see a problem with friendship groups...I belong to a few separate friendship groups e.g friends from university, friends I have made through DDs school, the wives of DH's friends etc.

But, I have absolutely no time for the sort of people who seem to create a clique for the purpose of deliberately shunning others. Do not get that at all.

Very school playground. Very spiteful. Very petty.

I'm very much of 'the more, the merrier' mentality Smile '

Original poster
malificent7 · 21/05/2017 20:28

Hi all. I think im hurting as i have been dropped and it takes me bk to the school playground.
In a way im relieved as one of the women came on very strong. She was new to the area and i was her best friend etc then the snide comnents started until she found some more conpatible friends.
The more compatible friends were friendly with me but i never see any of them nowadays!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 21/05/2017 20:30

Im just glad not to be getting snide comments. Its a bit like one of those boys who comes on really strong then ghosts you and then you find out they are dating your best mates and hanging out.
Meh. Ill get over it.

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 21/05/2017 20:32

Plus as a skint renter i cant join in conversations about extensions and properties in the countryside!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 21/05/2017 20:34

I think i was dropped as i was single, renting and they had more stable set ups.

OP posts:
Lightship · 21/05/2017 20:37

Maybe they just didn't like you, OP. Which stings a bit, but is OK -- no one is obliged to like everyone, and you don't sound wild about them either. And frankly, anyone who spent their time talking about their extension sounds like a horrific bore, so could be you've dodged a bullet of boringness. It would be different if you'd felt they were really close friends who ditched you suddenly.

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2017 20:48

Maybe you didn't have mucb in common op, did you feel comfortable with them? People do gravitate to those they have something in common with. I'm sure they did more than talk about their homes, but maybe that is that parts that stuck out for you?

I'd guess it's not they dropped you, its more they moved further into relationships with others where they had more in common.

Original poster
malificent7 · 21/05/2017 20:52

Yes... i think so. Im startongvto build new friendships and nurture old ones but v reluctant to get too close again tbh.

OP posts:
AnUnhappyStudent · 21/05/2017 21:57

My DD is 10 and we have already discussed this issue. You need to read a book called Queen Bees and Wannabes by Rosalind Wiseman to prepare you for the teenage years. Its a great book and provides some insight into these cliques. At school I survived mainly by being able to flit between different groups and not limiting myself to the one friendship group. I also think that our own experiences can feed into our views on our children's friendships and that you need to be aware of that.

I had never been in one of these cliques until I was in my 30's and really struggled with the dynamics of the clique, until I did some reading about relational aggression and girls. It made sense after that so may be worth you taking a look,

Original poster
malificent7 · 21/05/2017 22:20

I have the book and ive read it. Ive also started to talk to dd about it.

OP posts:
AnUnhappyStudent · 21/05/2017 22:25

Good, really helped my DD Smile

GirlInterruptedOftenByKids · 21/05/2017 22:52

For me, the definition of a clique is whether it's open to new people or not. I am part of several different friendship groups in our local community but I'll always invite as many people as I can when I'm arranging things. In contrast a clique has formed, also in our community, which is very selective and quite frankly is ruining everything that used to be fun. We'll go out as 20 or so local mums and the 10 of them will blank the rest of us. Just like secondary school.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 21/05/2017 23:10

I think where a friendship group falls into being a clique is when it is exclusive.

I can think of clusters of friends that would turn up week in, week out to baby activities and just blank me, or look startled if I said something audacious like "good morning" I wasn't asking to be bessie mates or to intrude on their existing social life, just polite acknowledgment as we were regularly in the same place at the same time for the same reason.

On the playground, there are people that I don't tend to stand with and chat to, but we still interact in a pleasant manner.

At junior school, children like to conform with their friends. It's a bit sad when grown women haven't emerged from that stage after the age of 15.

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